My Beloved Monster

It's only been a week and the heat has not let up yet.

Although the air conditioning is nice, I rather be swimming in the pool. So here I am pouting while I watch Bruno go swimming with Raab, Dico and Novak. Some how this picture seems extremely unfair.

Bam's at the airport picking up HIM; he plans on having a Fourth of July party in two days. They're going to stay for it before returning to their homeland, Finland, since the tour had finally finished.

Oh, and in case you are wondering, like Kelly has, nothing further than the 'steamy' shower incident has happened yet.

My mood has been a somber one lately, though I try not to let it show. You can really lose track of time here, but since realizing today's date I can't help but feel heartbroken.

Three years ago my mom died. She was my best friend and the only girl I went to talk to, besides Kelly and Ape now.

I always get upset, especially since it wasn't that many years ago. And she hid her condition from me so well, up until the year she died in fact.

I don't remember what the name of her illness was, nor did it really matter, all I know is that it took the one person who meant the world to me away.

The clock on the oven read 11:49 in the morning. I looked back outside to see them having a good time.

I can't sit still anymore. I went back to my room to change into a shirt and shorts. I pulled up my hair, and slip on sneakers.

Out of all the possible things that could entertain a person while staying here, I found none of them enticing at the moment.

I felt like crawling out of my skin and screaming my lungs out.

I scribbled a note and left it on the counter.

I needed to get out of here.

I looked at the keys lying on the counter, and as inviting as they seemed, I figured heading out on foot would be better and saner for my mind.

I looked out the back door once more, I wanted to take Bruno with me because he was a special part about this day. But, I didn't feel like talking or explaining everything to the guys. And, they all looked happy, my news would just kill their joy.

So I jogged up the steps and escaped out the front door, where no one would see me.

I just started running. I ran down his driveway. I ran to where I felt the area familiar. I ran a good way until I saw it.

My old tire swing was still there. Although, I was six when my mom and I moved to Germany. I still remember things in this house. The door was no longer the red I helped my mom paint, but was white.

A little boy around five ran out the door and jumped on the tire swing. He saw me watching him. He gave me a big cheesy grin and waved.

I smiled back and waved too before continuing my run.

It took me another hour or so, but I came up to the huge cast iron gates. I hesitated going in; I hadn't been here in a while. I walked down the hill along the paved road.

It really was a beautiful cemetery. I went down the road underneath the big willow tree.

There she was, well her remains anyway. My mother's memories will follow me everywhere.

I traced the engraved letters,

Amara Briana Senta
Loving mother and friend.
To thy own self, be true.

I sat in the hospital bed lying next to her when she chose this quote from Shakespeare. We joked who she summed up her life's lessons in those small eight words.

The tears started coming remembering that last week in the hospital. She was so sick and in so much pain.

"I still can't let you go even though I promised I would." I stroked the marble gravestone. I picked the stray grass and weeds away from the stone that the gardeners missed. I laid down in front of the grave and played with a pretty weed.

"I miss you. I made it to the finals again. They'll be in Finland this year, Helsinki actually and in a couple of months too. The boys are doing well. Chaz even made me take a vacation, which is how I ended up here.

"Oh and you'll be happy to know Loring got me those skates that way I won't be having a hip replacement in a few years. Speaking of which, I said I was going to retire. Though, I don't think it will last long, maybe a year or two that way I can get ready for the next Olympics. Loring would like that."

I laughed as the tears streamed down my face. "I started making more decisions for myself. And you want to know what one of them is? You'll be happy, April sure is. Bam and I are going out. He really is sweet to me, maybe just maybe, I'm not saying you are yet, but maybe you and Ape are right. Just don't let this go to your head."

My tears still streamed down my face mourning my loss. At least I'm not the sobbing wreck I was at the funeral. That was one of the worst days of my life.

"It doesn't feel like three years yet." I swallowed the lump in my throat. "This wasn't supposed to happen. You were supposed to live and travel the world with me and be at my side during competitions. I still need someone to hold my hand; I don't want to stand alone."

"Hey, honey, I'm home!" Bam yelled running down the stares to the pirate bar expecting to see me. His grin fell when he saw no one.

The guys from HIM followed Bam down the stairs, though not running. He turned around to face them, "Um, I'm going to see where Adel is. Make yourself at home and shit."

A nagging feeling in his gut was telling Bam that something wasn't right. He looked out the back door to see the guys in the pool with Bruno, which is odd because where ever Adel went, Bruno was with her.

He scanned the kitchen for any signs of a note, finally seeing one on the counter.

Be back later. ~ Love Adelina

Bam took out his phone to dial Adel's. "Everything alright Bam?" Ville asked leaning on the counter across from him.

"I don't know where Adel is and I've just got a bad feeling." Bam hung the phone up when there was no reply. At least the phone wasn't left here so if she needed help she could call for it.

And, as comforting as that may be, it still didn't calm Bam's nerves.

"Do the guys know where she left to?" Mige asked trying to help.

Bam shook his head. "No, but the thing is she seemed upset about something yesterday and this morning. But she won't say what's eating her."

"Maybe April will know." Linde suggested

Bam nodded and stepped into Adel's room, for privacy, dialing Ape's cell. "Ape, do you know where Adel could be. She left a note saying she'd be back later, but she's not picking up her phone."

"That's not like her." Ape frowned on the other end.

"I know that's why I'm worried. And all the car keys are still there and so is Bruno. That dog goes with her everywhere." Bam sighed. "She's been sad lately too. She may not act like it, but I can tell."

Ape smiled at Bam's compassion for Adelina. "Well, she hasn't been by here."

"You think she walked all the way to Jess'?" Bam asked.

"No, that's too far." Ape pinched the bridge of her nose wracking her brain for a suitable answer. "Bam? What's today's date""

"Um, the second? Why?" Bam sat on the end of the bed.

"Shit." Ape cursed. "Today's her anniversary."

"No it's not. And we decided we weren't going to do anything for it until our two month one." He scratched his neck.

"No, no. Sweetie, today's the anniversary of Amara's death. Adelina's mother." April said softly. She still missed her friend dearly, even after all this time, and could only imagine how Adelina is coping with it.

"Oh," Bam didn't know what to say, but shyly asked his next question anyway. "Um do you think she might need someone right now?"

April smiled and shifted the phone, choosing her words carefully. "Yeah. I think right now she needs someone badly, especially some one who cares about her."

A bashful smile crossed Bam's lips, "So, would you have any idea where my girl might be?"

"Your girl would be at the cemetery at White Hills." She laughed softly at his possessive remark.

"Alright, thanks mom, I'll talk to you later."

"No problem Bam." She smiled hanging up the phone. Her son may be an arrogant bastard at times, but he at least knew when to come back down to Earth.

Bam flipped his phone closed and returned to the kitchen to where everyone was gathered.

"You find out where she is at?" asked Burton.

"Yeah." Bam laughed and scratched the back of his head.

"Well, what are you waiting for!? Go sweep her off her feet." Gas grinned.

Bam laughed and shook his head. He grabbed his set of keys and jogged out to his car.

Parking next to the entrance way near the gate, he turned the car off and took a deep breath preparing himself.

He walked down the same path Adel had earlier. His heart broke seeing her asleep in front of a gravestone with a tearstained face.

Bam sat down next to Adel and gently put her in his lap. Cradling her much like one would to a child and rubbed her back.

A wind blew out of nowhere from the willow tree causing a few stray branches to tickle his cheek. As quick as the breeze had come, it left.

I woke up to feeling warm, safe, and secure. It was comforting since I felt weak from all the running and crying.

There were no more tears to cry. I felt a lot better getting it all out of my system though, like a weight was lifted.

I buried my face in chest and hugged him. He kissed my head and held me tighter. "I miss her." I whispered. "It's been three years, but I miss her."

"I don't know what it feels like to lose someone as close as a mom; especially a mom." Bam felt helpless so he figured to just talk. He still continued to hold me and rub my back under my shirt. "I remember when she would make cinnamon bread for us every once in a while. That was one of the best smells. And I remember her and my mom would take you, me and Jess to the park everyday."

"That was always fun." I smiled at the same fond memories.

"You know what?" I shook my head for him to continue. "Like you said everything happens for a reason. I don't mean to sound selfish, but if she didn't die, then you would have never come back."

"How do you mean?" I looked up at him, while leaning on his shoulder.

He shifted nervously under me. I knew how he was never one to express his emotions much so I gently rubbed his arm to give some comfort back.

"Well you wouldn't have come back here for Ape's help if your mom was alive. And we would have never got together." He looked down at the grass.

I resisted awing that was one of the sweetest things he has told me. I wrapped my arms around his neck and held him close, "Thank you."

Not quite sure what the gesture was for, Bam hugged me tight and kissed my neck. "You up for hanging out with the guys? HIM is here now too."

"Yeah." I smiled feeling a whole lot better.

He took my hand and began leading me up the hill. I bit my bottom lip and could help but lean over and check out his ass.

I was jerked forward in his arms, "Like looking at my ass?"

"Well yeah, especially since you have one." I smirked.

"Well someones modest." He grinned sarcastically.

"Why thank you." I laughed and took a bow.

"So hows the arm?" He asked once we were on the road again.

I looked at the pink cast that was graffitied all over. "Its getting better, not itchy yet, which is very good. But, I just cannot wait until the damn thing comes off."

Bam laughed at my sour face. "Well, only two weeks to go."

"Thats still a long time." I pouted and he leaned over the clutch to give me a quick kiss.

"You know I have become all mushy gushy since I met you again." Bam joked as we walked up the driveway to the house. I forced myself to laugh at the comment, despite all my insides churning uncomfortably. "What?" Bam asked turning to me.

"Huh?" I played dumb.

"What was that ridiculous laugh for?" Bam asked stopping me from going inside.

"Well. . ." I sighed. "I've talked to a few people about this because I feel guilty I guess. I dont think thats quite the word I'm looking for, but-"

Bam kissed me, "Your rambling."

"Right, well you're the guy known for doing 'what ever the fuck I want,' right?" He nodded. "Well I don't want you to stop being that guy just because of me. I mean I don't want to turn you mushy gushy, not that I mind. I just don't want to change you-"

Bam started laughing.

"I'm being serious." I glared. "Don't make fun, I'm not having the greatest day already."

"I'm sorry, really, but you're too funny." He laughed. "First of all Ill always be that guy. I mean I am Bam Margera." I rolled my eyes. "And you're not changing me, what on Earth gave you that idea?"

"Hey, you just said it yourself." I put my hands on my hips. "And everyone makes comments of how they are so surprised at how good you are to me. They say that it is so unlike you. And I don't want to look like a controlling bitch. I know how it feels to be controlled and that is the last thing I want to become."

Bam saw how worked up I felt. He placed his hands on top of my own. "Well, now it's in the past so you can just forget all those worries. And just so you know, you are the furthest from being a controlling bitch."

I smiled at him and leaned my forehead against his. "Thank you."

"No problem." He kissed my nose, I love when he does that. "Now, you've had had a grueling day, lets go get drunk."

"Sounds like a plan." I laughed. Bam wrapped an arm around my waist and walked inside down to the pirate bar where you could hear the rowdy laughter.

"Well ,heres our lost beauty, home at last." Mige pulled me into a hug.

I kissed his cheeks and the rest of the guys as well. "Good to see you guys again too."

"So everyone ready for fireworks galore?" Bam asked excitedly.

"As long as we dont get blown up, I'm all for it Bammi." Ville grinned.

"Ha, ha." Bam rolled his eyes. "But, then, just in case you should have the fired department on speed dial."

After having a couple drinks with everyone and listening to touring stories, I was exhausted. "Well youve all tired me out; Im going to bed." I yawned and saluted them goodnight.

Bam ran up to me and grabbed my hips. "Remember tomorrows Saturday."

"Yes and?" I raised my eyebrows.

"And that means we get to sleep in." He smiled.

"We?" I laughed.

"But of course." Bam laughed and pulled me in for a knee-weakening kiss.

I don't know if it was the alcohol or I was actually just allowing my emotions flow, but I felt like I was caught in a spell.

I could only focus on the pressure his lips applied to mine. The way that he nibbled my lips every so often was driving me mad.

Too bad the immature drunk guys behind us interrupted the moment with their catcalls and howling. Bam gave them the single finger salute, while slipping his tongue in and exploring every crevice of my mouth.

I softly pulled away. "Goodnight mushy gushy."

He laughed and gave me another kiss, "Night my controlling bitch."

I laughed and it wasn't forced this time.

I shut the door blocking out their loud voices. Crawling under the covers, with Bruno at the foot of the bed as usual, I felt complete. It took three years, but I was finally able to let go of my moms death.

Bam might never realize it, but it was all because of him.

I knew that I wouldn't be afraid of standing alone since Bam would be there. Who knows for how long though, but for now, Im going to appreciate it for all it's worth.