My Beloved Monster

I was given the next two days to just lie in bed, in a comatose-like state, just listening to the rain. The tears stopped flowing sometime last night along with the rain.

I know that I will always love Bam and I think I have come to accept this. Even if he didn't know it, he did own my heart.

And I resented him for it. So maybe this concept isn't fully accepted.

The last thing I had of myself no longer belonged to me. I did call Ape and Phil not too long after I arrived at my father's house. They had no clue what had happened between their son and I and I let it stay that way.

However, I never found my cell phone.

I suppose it's in Philadelphia or on the plane somewhere over the Atlantic. Hell, it could have even fallen into the Allepey during the boat ride.

Either way, I had Chaz get me a new cell phone and cancel the old number.

Cody decided to actually use his father authority against me and sent me home as soon as the rain let up.

Although, I didn't like his decision, I knew he was right. It was time for me to go home, well in Bayreuth that is.

Chaz gave me the biggest hug when he saw me come through the gate. A hug that was much needed and I just allowed myself to fall into his arms. I closed my eyes and breathed in his cologne, trying to find comfort in his warmth.

"Hey doll." He whispered and held me closer. He stood back and wiped away a stray tear. "Let's go get Bruno and your luggage yes?"

I nodded my head and followed him as he took my hand, but wasn't the same.

Chaz sighed and resisted blurting the whole thing out to Adel as she played with Bruno in the living room.

But, he never wanted to see her in pain like that again. So he did what Wolf said to do and kept his lips sealed.

They were protecting her, right?

"Loring called not too long before I had to pick you up." Chaz leaned in the door frame.

"Oh yeah, what did he need?" I said in happier tone even though I wasn't. Maybe if I acted happy, in return I would be.

Chaz sighed seeing through the whole bit. "He was reminding you that you have a practice right away and a physical next Thursday."

"Yay, I get to be fondled and pricked." I smiled sarcastically making Chaz laugh. "Where's Wolf?"

"Meeting with his boss, getting a couple of drinks with the wife. He's getting ready to go on tour in the UK with Wolfmother in a few days."

"Oh," I looked at Bruno. That meant he wouldn't be coming to Finland with me. "You're still coming right?"

Chaz pulled my hair behind my shoulders and played lightly with it. "Of course I am. I hear the Finnish women are kinky in bed."

"Thanks for the support." I laughed and leaned into him. I yawned and stretched my arms leaving them hanging around his neck.

"Come on. Let's get you in bed doll." He kissed my cheek affectionately and lifted me up. He laughed and rolled his eyes when he saw my pout. "Oh alright." He lifted me up and carried me upstairs to my room.

My room hadn't changed; it still had its maroon colored walls. The black iron bed was still against the bay window and the white comforter was neatly tucked.

I started to cry when Chaz untied my shoes and took off my pants like Bam used to when I was tired.

Chaz crawled under the covers and held me. "Do you want to talk about it?"

I nodded my head and looked at my wrist. There was the white gold bracelet still. I wasn't ready to take it off; I don't think I ever will.

"I just don't understand what happened. We were so happy. We had fun. We fought over stupid stuff and then made up." I smiled thinking about how many times we made up after yelling at him for smoking. "Things seemed to be going great. At first I did think this would be some summer fun because nothing seems to last for me, but this time. This time I thought things would last."

"Who knows what could happen Adel?" Chaz stared at the ceiling feeling guilty, but still keeping his word. Who knows, maybe even with their interference, love might bring them together once more?

"Please don't give me false hope." I yawned drifting off.

Chaz sighed and stayed I was fast asleep. He heard Wolf come in a few minutes earlier. Petting Bruno at the end of the bed he whispered, "Take care of her for me."

He went downstairs and saw Wolf sitting in a chair in the living room.

"How is she?" He asked looking up.

"Heartbroken of course." Chaz sat across from him.

Wolf sighed, "I know I was out of line the other day. But, it was just my protective nature coming out."

"I know." Chaz nodded his head. He felt the same way.

"I thought he was a good guy too. I trusted him with her." Wolf looked to the side disappointed in himself and the way things had worked out. "But, what we did was in her best interest. I mean who's to say he wouldn't hurt her all over again?"

"Who's to say he would?" Chaz countered.

"Don't pull that shit over me." Wolf glared.

"I was just saying." Chaz put his hands up in defense knowing that Wolf just as much of an open flesh wound as I was.

"No, I know." Wolf sighed. "But what's done is done."

On Thursday, I woke up early and took a much-needed bath. I looked in my closet for a clean shirt. I sniffed the pants hanging on the edge of the bed and slipped them on along with the pair of sneakers on the floor.

"Would you like to wait for the results or have the reception phone you with them?" The doctor asked me after I was, like I told Chaz, fondled and pricked. At least the doctor was a woman and not some wrinkly old man.

"No, just send them to Finland with the envelope I provided." I sighed. I knew I was healthy; I didn't need some blood tests to tell me otherwise.

When I got home Wolf was making some brunch. "Hey, what are you cooking?"

"Gruner Salat mit Schiken, Kase und Ei." He said cutting up the cheese. [green salad with ham (love that word) cheese and egg]

"Sounds gut." I smiled slightly.

"You have practice after?" He asked me.

"Ja, Loring wants my jumps fixed in the short program. I keep losing my balance at the easier parts I have no idea what's wrong with me." My balance has never been this bad, ever.

"Do you think you might be sick?" He asked me.

"I don't feel sick." I shrugged.

He placed a plate in front of me and a cup of coffee toped off with whip cream chocolate. "So you ready for tomorrow night?"

My eyes lit up, "Hell yes. I cannot wait. I have the perfect gown."

Wolf smiled glad to see that sparkle in my eyes. The past week and a half they've been abnormally dull.

"So any loose screws. Or have you just lost your touch in jumps." He smirked predicting my reaction.

"Never!!" I glared insulted. "I am perfectly capable of landing axels. It must be the weather. It's supposed to rain soon."

"Excuses, excuses." He pointed his fork at me.

"Ja, well, the doctor said I am perfectly healthy. She said it could be from lack of sleep or stress or deficiency in a certain vitamin." I said remembering what she had told me earlier.

"Well, that's not bad." Wolf said trying to be optimistic knowing I was concerned with why I was having such a hard time.

I nodded. "No, I am grateful. So are you excited that you will be reunited with your homeland?"

Wolf was originally from Sydney. I right away fell in love with his accent not to mention his looks and dorky persona. He had me head over heels in no time.

"Yeah, it's going to be awesome." His smile fell for a moment.

"Don't worry about it." I smiled and patted his hand already knowing he was going to apologize.

"Does not mean that I still don't feel awful." He sighed and sat back in his chair. "Chaz is still going right?"

"Yup, to sleep with as many Finnish women as he can." He laughed with me knowing that Chaz would stay true to his word and make a new record in this country.

"Eh, got to love him." Wolf grinned.

"But of course. He is, after all, my sexy beast." I smiled. "So when do you leave?"

"The day after tomorrow." He said and finished off his salad. "I could ask to join them later you know."

"Why? Because I just broke up with my boyfriend or for the competition?" I asked and sipped my coffee carelessly.

The last week, I've felt a lot better over the whole thing. I figure to go back believing that things are going to work out for me in the end and fate would take care of things.

A bit optimistic huh? Well, I figure regrets are just going to hold me back so just let them all go. Besides, I have bigger things to put all my concentration in. I worked hard to get to the finals in Finland and I am not about to blow it off.

"Both." He smiled slightly. "I want to be there for you."

"I know and you have been, but I'll be fine." I cleared the table, grabbed my bag and several bottles of water before heading over to the only rink in Bayreuth.

The rink was small, but it served our purpose.

At practice, I began to fix my short program by listening to the barks Loring threw at me. For the short program I would be using music for an Argentine tango. It was beautiful music used to express breaking free from barriers. I just had the urge to use it; it had a striking variation to it.

In this particular tango, the dancers' chests are closer to each other than are their hips. Whether open or closed, a Tango embrace is not ridid, but relaxed, like a hug. It is a lovers dance and I felt like I need this to get something out of my system.

There are very few clubs left in Berlin or in other areas in Germany for the Argentine tango. During the summer, the three of us and a few other friends, would go to them. Even when dancing with a stranger, the embrace is close and romantic. No matter what, one cannot dance without emotion doing the Argintine tango.

Last week the choreographer smoothed out what I had come up with. The music worked brilliantly for steps and turns leading into the jumps. It helped that I was so in-tuned and felt this attachment to everything.

Yet, although I was greatly inspired, my feet were placed to close together or I didn't get enough air. No matter what, I would fall. So after lunch, I took some multivitamins and will make sure from now until the end of the final, to have a better night's rest and be stress free.

When I was done falling on my ass for the day, Loring helped take my skates off. Things have been better between us. Loring wasn't an asshole; he just demanded perfection. Which is not a bad thing. It's what is needed to win first place.

Loring also had a lot of pressure on him as well. He was one of the younger coaches and needed to show that he knew what he was doing. Of course now he does have respect, but he just never lost that edge to him. That edge is what got me where I am today.

"So when is the baby due?" I asked him.

He smiled already like a proud father. "The first week in November."

I grinned, "November babies are always the best."

"God help me if my kid's like you." He laughed.

"You should be honored if your kid is half the person I am." I teased laughing.

He laughed and tweaked my nose. "You did good today. With everything that has happened to you over this year, you've always been able to keep focus. You're really are talented. I know I don't tell you that enough."

"Thank you Loring." I was truly an honorable complement coming from him.

"Don't worry about anything. You have the long program down and the short almost perfect. Those falls are you just second-guessing yourself. You know who you are and that's what you show out there. Everything is going to be just fine." Loring smiled and patted my knee before gathering his stuff and taking off.

I was lost in my thoughts sitting on the U-Bahn going home. He was the second person who had told me that 'everything is going to be just fine,' Ape being the first. I smiled maybe it was a sign, but I felt like a weight was lifted off my chest and that things were going to be better after all.

I had the Russian ballet and then Finland to look forward to.