If I'm James Dean, You're Audrey Hepburn

The fall is a time of change.

This is something I’ve known for years.

So is the springtime, but fall is more dramatic. It’s a fact. The weather grows sharper, colder. The leaves turn a plethora of different colours and fall down, coating the streets and sidewalks. Everything withers and dies; animals gather food and hibernate for months on end. And lastly, but never least, birds. Every single year without fail the birds travel to warmer pastures. They gather together quickly, and then poof! They’re gone, flying higher and higher into the clear blue sky, and next thing you know, they’re out of sight.

You wouldn’t have been able to tell that birds were there in the first place.

Kind of like us.

You wouldn’t have been able to tell that we were together in the first place.

Even while we were together, I don’t think it was really that obvious. So I should have seen the end coming right? Just like you can see the summer ending when the sun starts to set earlier and the weather starts getting just a tad bit chillier. The leaves haven’t fallen yet, but you just know they will. You keep a bit of vain hope that the warm summer will last for just that bit longer, but you know it won’t. Just like us. It was going to end; it was just a matter of time. That doesn’t mean I wanted it to, though.

But just like it’s stupid and immature to think that summer is going to last forever just because you want it to, it was stupid to think that we’d last longer that we did just because I wanted it to.

Whoever said that distance makes the heart grow fonder needs to get shot in the foot. That’s a lie, a big fat one at that. If anything this distance had made me moody and apathetic. It had made me wonder where on earth I had gone wrong, and what I could have done to fix it.

Nothing, absolutely nothing. Just like a car accident. We can see it happening, we can see the car coming towards us, but fear immobilizes us to the point where we can’t even move. We know that we have to move, we know that we need to get out of the other car’s way, otherwise the outcome is sure to be nothing less than a catastrophic tragedy. But we know, as well as any other spectators, that we’re as good as dead. Kaput. Finito. Done. Finished. Met with a bloody and terrifying end.

Like us. We knew it was going to end, but all we could do was hope it wouldn’t.

“I can’t stand you, you know that?” My voice was low and quiet. “I really can’t. I can’t do this anymore, Kellin. I can’t… I just can’t…” My voice caught in my throat, my eyes stinging with unshed tears. It was at the end of one of our fights, and I was at my wit’s end. Keeping it up would only mean disaster for us both. You were leaving the next day anyway.

“I can’t stand you either.” You weren’t looking at me; instead, you stared at the wall behind me.

“So what are you still doing here?” I questioned. Your eyes looked at me, almost as if I had asked you why the sky was blue.

“What?” You tug at the loose strand on your grey shirt, pulling and tugging until it snapped. You repeated this question, still doubting that I said it. “What are you talking about?”

“Well, really, Kellin, why?! I mean, you’re… you; you’re going off to tour with the boys and everything and you have all these things going for you, so why do you stick around? Why do you stay with me? Why are you still here!?”

It was something unspoken between us, your touring and celebrity status. You would rather leave that alone while you were home for those few short weeks, and I’d oblige. It was something that was never really mentioned between us, but still hung heavily in the air. The ceiling fan turned lazily in the corner, making little impact on the summer heat in the room; instead, it just made it worse, the creaking noise getting on my nerves. My words were suffocating us, suffocating me. Those words were words that should have never been said, but at the same time I’m kind of glad I did. You looked away from me, your gaze resting on the TV, which was now just background noise.

I wasn’t sure what to say after that. That was a last resort, a low blow. Something that I never thought I’d have the guts to say, to be honest. Someone needed to say it, though. Someone needed to say what we were both thinking. You were you, you were going somewhere; you had something called direction and goals. I wasn’t. I was plain, ordinary, uninteresting. But you? You were... different, you could stand out by just being yourself. I liked different, loved it even. I wasn’t different; I was plain, like wallpaper. Opposites attract, after all.

“What?” You had the same look on your face, as if it was unimaginable that I’d say such a thing to you. As if you hadn’t been thinking the very same thing all along, when we both knew you were.

“Stop it! Just tell me, Kellin. Why?” My eyes were watery, tears threatening to spill out at any minute. “Why do you stick around?!”

“Why? Really, you’re gonna ask me why?”

You looked away at the ceiling again, gnawing at your lip, irritation and annoyance written plainly on your face. This was something that you did when you were thinking of what to say, when you were picking your words carefully.

There was an infomercial on the television screen, selling facial crèmes for women who were desperate to maintain their youth. That’s another thing that’s imminent, that we can’t stop. Aging and dying; no matter how hard we try, it’s coming for us. We can dye our greying hairs, we can get surgeries and treatments, but the day is going to come when we are old and grey, and when death is on our doorstep, knocking on our door. We can’t stop it.

I digress.

“Why don’t we just stop this, just break it all off?!” I ask, beside myself with anger. I was so frustrated, so upset with the situation. I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I knew you were leaving; you’d be gone for a few months. It wasn’t really the best moment to have an argument, but that’s beside the point. “I mean, you don’t even know why you’re here with me!”

“I never said I didn’t know why I’m with you, I think I do know. And anyway, I don’t think we should.” You played with your hair absentmindedly, a habit that I found endearing. I wouldn’t let myself get caught up in memories, however. I was too busy looking for an answer; too busy trying to prove a point.

“And why not?” I wanted answers, plain and simple.

You stood up and pulled on your sweater, grabbing your keys from the table. I knew that you were due to leave, you were going to go off and do what you did best, what made you happier than I could.

Terrible time to pick an argument, I know. There neveris a good time to have an argument, is there?

“We just shouldn’t,” you said with a casual shrug. The way you said it made it seem logical, reasonable, as if we didn’t need anymore elaboration than that.As if.

“Why not?” I repeat, wanting a plausible explanation. If any normal person was going through a difficult situation, the logical response is to want to get out of it as soon as possible. To say that our relationship was difficult was an understatement. So, I figured that I’d give us both the easy way out. But you wouldn’t have that. Of course not.

“Because.”

“Why?”

“Just because.” You pulled on the sweater, zipped it and sighed. “I don’t really think we should.”

“Well I’m waiting,” I answered, hands on my hips. I strode over to you, looking up at you. You weren’t that much taller than me, but I looked up at you nonetheless, eyes running over facial features I’d probably never see again.

“I love you. When you love someone, you tend to put up with those stupid things that they do to you. Even if you can’t stand them some of the time, you just put up with it. Like us, for example. Your mouth is like a razorblade. You get all worked up over hardly anything. You’re so independent, you think that you don’t need anybody but we all know you need someone. Like, for example, how I need you. See, I’d rather be furious and livid with you some of the time than miserable and a mess without you all the time. That’s sort of what love means. You just suck it up, pick yourself up, and dust yourself off. You need that certain person to be… well, complete, really. I love you, Finn.

“I stick around because I love you. I stick around because Iwant to, okay? That’s what love means! But obviously, this is a lost concept on you, so I’ll just be going on my merry fuckin’ way. I’ll catch you around then, I guess.”Slam! goes the door.

I stared at the door, the words that you had sad still not fully sinking in. I don’t know how long I stood there, immobilized by what you had said. Of course you had said it before, but the times were few and seldom. When it finally sank in, when those three little words finally made sense to me, I broke down and started to cry, hot tears spilling from my eyes.

It’s been months, ages really, since we’ve even spoken or exchanged words. Every time we talk, we fight, so I try to avoid that.

I just can’t let this go, like a child with a bright red balloon. They know it’s just a balloon, but to them it’s a special balloon, this balloon has meaning, significance to them. They’re reluctant to let it go, but they know they have to eventually. When they do, they feel a certain disappointment and sadness envelop them, but also a certain happiness. They see their balloon floating up higher and higher in the sky, until they can’t even see it anymore.

I digress again.

I wasn’t expecting you to call or to try to talk to me again. I figured that I had probably pissed you off enough that you wouldn’t even dream of calling. But like I said before, we needed distance. We needed this separation. I thought that you’d agree with me too, at least on the point that this relationship was destined to fail. So when you didn’t, I didn’t let myself get too worked up over it. I was disappointed, just like a child is when summer ends, fall begins, and school must begin once again.

I asked for this, after all.

I watch my roommate as she talks on the phone with her boyfriend – Jesse, of course. I tried my best not to eavesdrop on their conversation. It had nothing to do with me, and thinking of Jesse lead to thinking of the band, which would obviously lead me to thoughts of you. I can’t have that. Thoughts of you lead to tears, sadness, anxiety and depression.

Tsk-tsk.

The rain pounds hard against the window, and I stare at it absentmindedly for a few moments. Lighting flashes for a split second, lighting up the sky with its dazzling display of energy. The thunder roars and wails, rain hitting the window harshly.

“Tonight? Really?”

I stare at the tea mug in my hands, the steam rising in the air. It was too warm to drink, but I was debating on just drinking it anyway. Anything to get my mind off you, anything to avoid the topic of you would do, even if it meant burning my tongue slightly.

I was so lost in my thoughts and debates on whether or not I should drink the scalding hot tea, that I didn’t hear the end of Lorie’s conversation. I didn’t even see her rush around the apartment in search of her keys and sweatshirt. By the time I looked away, she was already nearing the door.

“Where are you off to, Lorie?” I ask her and she looks at me.

“Hm?” She acts like she didn’t even hear what I asked and I knew something was up. I’m an expert at reading body language. “What are you talking about?” She was a really bad liar, avoiding eye contact and looking the other way. I watch her pick dirt from under her fingernails as she begins to speak. “I’m not going anywhere.”

I raised an eyebrow, putting my mug on the coffee table.

“Why are you acting so weird?”

“What? I’m not acting weird...” I rolled my eyes. “It’s just that, uh…”

“What?”

“Well, uh, the guys, they… they’re back and they’re in studio and Jesse wants to go out with the boys and me tonight.” The last phrase was said so quietly that had I not been paying attention to it, I wouldn’t have heard it. She was worried about me, probably worried that I’d get upset about it. Why, I don’t know. She can do whatever she wants, and she shouldn’t be worried about how I’d react. She wouldn’t see it in any case.

“Oh.”

“I just…”

“You can go, its okay,” I say, faking a smile to placate her.

“Are you sure? ’Cause I–”

“You can go, I don’t really care. It’s kind of been a while, you know,” I giggle, waving away her worries. “You and Jesse haven’t seen each other in forever, go. I’ll be fine.”

“You sure? I– ”

“Go.”

She smiles lightly at me, obviously buying the charade I’m giving her.

“Okay, okay, I’m going. You sure you’ll be okay alone?” Concern clouds her face.

I nod, counting down the moments in my head until she leaves. She left quickly, and I waited until I heard her car start up before crying. I didn’t even know why I was crying. I was doing well on not thinking about you, you hadn’t passed by my mind in weeks. I pinched the bridge of my nose as I sobbed, breathing in and out quickly. I don’t even know how long I sat there and just cried for the first time in months. I walk quickly to the bathroom, splashing water on my face. My face was red and blotchy, freckles becoming overshadowed by the patches of pinkish red on my cheeks. My nose ring shone dully in the glamour lights lining the vanity glass. I check my phone, and notice that she’s been gone for almost an hour.

I hear the buzzer ring and I sigh. I wasn’t really in the state to see people. I walk to the door, clicking the little button. Gotta love L.A.

“Who is it?”

“It’s, uh, it’s me.”

“Kellin?”

“Yeah, love. Hurry up, will you? It’s pouring out here.”

“What do you want?”

“To talk to you, obviously.”

“We are talking.”

“Finn!”

I cringe at the name, gulping.

“Fine, c’mon up.” I click the buzzer, counting the moments in my head until you would be knocking on my door. I was building resolve to make you leave, trying to make this be as quickly as humanly possible. Surprises, they’re not good for a single thing. I walk back to the bathroom, splashing water on my face, getting rid of any trace of tears.

As far as you were concerned, I had just had a really intense workout.

There’s a light knock on the door, and I sigh. I scowl as I dry off my face and stalk to the door, ready to turn you away. I start unlocking the bolt lock, the chain feeling cool against my fingers.

“I’m really busy, Kellin, can you make this quick? I, uh, I… ” I trail off, looking at you. It was a deer in the headlights type of moment, the both of us looking at each other with a blank expression on our faces. I felt like I had been sucker punched in the belly, the wind knocked out of me. I was at a loss for words. You hadn’t changed a bit. All the resolve, all the ammunition I had built had just gone up and disintegrated into thin air.

What was I meant to say?

“Oh, hi, Kellin. Am I crying? Yeah, it’s all thanks to you, y’know how it is.”?

“Can I come in?” you ask quietly.

“Uh, sure, sure…”

An awkward silence blooms, and I wonder how it was that we got to the point where even being in the same room proved to be too difficult.

“Your hair looks different.” Your eyes run over my appearance, leaving me no where to look besides the floor and ceiling. I note you take your sweatshirt off, and I walk to the couch.

“Yeah, I, uh, I dyed it.” I examine the suddenly interesting hardwood floor, my eyes running over the lines and grooves. “You can sit down if you want.”

“Finn.”

“Hm?”

“What is it?” I look at you, and regret it instantly, my eyes starting to sting. I bit my lip. This is too much, this is all too much. I shouldn’t have let you inside in the first place. I bite almost hard enough to draw blood, keeping the salty water at bay.

“I could ask you the same thing, y’know. What do you want?”

I didn’t mean to be so snippy. I just want to know what you want from me, why you’re standing here in my apartment instead of out celebrating with your friends. I wanted to know why you were even in my apartment in the first place.

“I just wanted to talk to you.”

“About?” I tug at the piercing on the left side of my mouth, a nervous habit of mine. “I don’t really think there’s much left to talk about.”

“I just… I…”

It was a rare sight; you were hardly ever at a loss for words.

“Yes? Shouldn’t you be out with the guys?”

“Yeah, yeah, I should but I, uh, I…” You look at me, curiosity plain on your face. You are so easy to read, it’s almost second nature. “Have you been crying?”

Then again, apparently, so am I.

“What? No, no, I just... my allergies have just been acting up lately.” I look away, to the abandoned cup of tea on the coffee table.

So much for distractions.

“Finn, really?” I cringe again, not being able to stand the memories that came rushing back. “Look at you.”

“Kellin, what do you want?” I’m an expert at changing the subject.

“We need to talk.”

“We are talking,” I say, biting the inside of my cheek. “I’m sure you have somewhere else to be,” I prompt after a small silence, “so just spit it out already.”

“I’m sorry.” The thunder booms and roars loudly outside, distracting me for a few moments.

“What?” I question, unbelieving what I heard. I must have heard wrong.

“I said I’m sorry. And I know that we fight and that we sometimes can’t even be in the same room together, but honestly? I’d rather be miserable and angry with you some of the time than lonely without you.”

“I see,” I murmured quietly, staring at the floor.

“That’s it? I see? Really, Finn? I can’t even… oh, god. Why? Why can’t you just talk to me?”

“I am talking. You’re sorry. Whoopee,” I say without much enthusiasm.

“That’s not what I mean, my god! I missed you, okay? I missed you, the crazy, argumentative, just insane person that is you. I missed waking you up in the morning and I missed fighting with you over what movie to rent or what take out to get or stupid things like that. I miss us. I miss the face you make when something tastes really bad or that face you make when you make when you get really pissed. And I miss going to the beach and I miss kissing you and I missed… I just missed you, okay?

I thought that maybe, if I tried hard enough, I could forget you and move on, okay? But I couldn't. I can’t. I think it’s because I love you, okay? And I thought that maybe I could just let go and I can’t. I can’t do it, and I’ve tried and it’s not… I can’t. I couldn’t wait until this tour was over so that I could do this in person, but obviously, it was a mistake and I’m sorry, alright? I probably look so pathetic and stupid so I’m just… I’ll just be going.”

What am I meant to say?

“Wait! Don’t… don’t go. I... I want you to stay.” I rubbed my neck, looking at you, pleading with my eyes for you to stay. Suddenly, everything goes dark and a light gasp escapes my lips.

“Finn, calm down. The power just went out,” you say quietly. If there was one thing I was terrified of, it was the dark, preceded only by heights and preceding crowded spaces and thunderstorms – in that order. I walk around blindly, trying to find the flashlight. Instead, I bump into something firm and warm. It’s you. I’m not sure whether to be happy or angry with my awkwardness.

“Kellin?” I ask, unsure, hoping that maybe I just ran into my wall. I decide to be happy about my clumsiness when you hug me. I bury my face in the crook of your neck, blushing slightly.

“Yeah, Finn?” I didn’t say anything at first, because I wasn’t sure what to say. The thunder booms and roars yet again and I jump, catching you off guard. We fall onto the couch and I can’t help it, a small giggle escapes me.

“I’m scared.” You sit up, and now I’m sitting on your lap.

“Of?”

“This. Us. This storm. Us. The dark, and oh, yeah, did I mention us?” I rush out, suddenly nervous. “I’m a mess. I’m a bitch some of the time and I’m sorry. And I missed you too. I just screw things up; it’s kind of my job. And I still love you. I don’t know what we even are anymore but I think that’s okay because we can figure it out later and I… I love you.” I smile as your fingers cup my face and you kiss me.

“You’re so cute when you ramble, did you know that?” you say quietly, kissing me yet again.

In the fall, the birds leave. They travel down south in search of more suitable conditions.

In the spring they come back, and if you’re fortunate, you can even catch them travelling back home. They leave together and come back together. If you didn’t know any better, you’d think that they had never gone away, that they just left for a short little holiday. And when they come back, you’re happy because it means that everything is sure to be new. The trees will grow their leaves in all shades of green. The flowers will bloom. The sky will look almost brighter. The sun will be warmer. The days will be longer. Everything will be fresh and new, lush even.

Fall doesn’t last forever. Sometimes, we just need to lose something for a little while only to gain it back later to realize the value of what we have.