What She Didn't Say

When I was a little girl, Cinderella was my main role model. My dream was to look, talk, and act like Cinderella and find my very own prince charming as she did. Maybe not exactly like she did, no, but I was determined to find him in my own unique way. (Besides, pumpkins aren't exactly my style.) I was going to save every part of myself for that unknown boy. I had my heart set on it. It wasn't until just recently in April, four months ago, that my childhood dreams were shattered unexpectedly. I failed to make a good decision.

I was attending a huge blow-out party towards the end of my sophomore year in high school. I was having a wonderful time with my best friend, Caroline, dancing and mingling with our other acquaintances from school. We were absolutely care free that night. Semester exams were over, we didn't have any homework, and we didn't have a curfew. The only thing we were lacking was a cute guy to flirt with and possibly make some extra plans with. We scoped out the whole backyard, rating boys we had never talked to and making a list of pros and cons for the boys we already knew. We finally got down to a dozen boys to pick and choose from when somebody bumped me from behind. I tripped over my left foot as I stumbled forward and went soaring into the pool.

I remember climbing out of the ice cold pool drenched and being offered a towel by the same boy who pushed me in, accident or not. I gladly took the towel out of his grip, glaring at him the entire time I dried myself off. He only stood there slouching with sad eyes as he watched me. His tousled, dark brown hair drooped over his plucked eyebrows which he knitted together under his matted mane. "What's your name?" he queried.

"That depends," I said, not trying to make my voice sound as seductive as it did when the words escaped my dry lips. "What's you name?" I asked, draping the towel over my body and crossing my arms.

"Harley," he said before clearing his throat. "Harley Benson." He shifted his weight onto his other foot and dug deep into my eyes with his awkward gaze.

He was the brother of Jody Benson, I noted. She was the girl that threw this whole bash. She was in the same year as me which made Harley a senior at the time, now graduated. Jody had already told us everything she wanted us to know about him at lunch. Whether not she had left out negative aspects of her brother, I did not know and, at the time, I was too naive to care. The only thing I was concerned about in that moment was my body temperature. I was freezing, dripping wet, and it was only April. My teeth were chattering so much that I was surprised nobody heard it over the booming music.

Harley and I continued to stare at each other. I wasn't sure what he was thinking behind his pale, green eyes, but I knew there wasn't anything parading through my mind. I felt absolutely awkward standing there in wet clothes and runny mascara. He finally broke the strange silence by offering a pair of dry clothes involuntarily provided by his sister, Jody. He had gently placed his grip around my pale wrist and pulled his body forward, resulting in me being pulled forward as well.

Harley eventually led me to Jody's room after we finally made it through the giant mass of people partying and meshing together. It was almost nearly impossible not to get alcohol spilled on me.

Jody's room is what sticks out the most from that night. The walls were lime green and there were posters everywhere of the current teen heart throbs in Hollywood. There almost wasn't a point in her painting her walls any color at all, for the posters covered up most of the wall space. On the vanity mirror on the far wall to the left of the foot of the bed were pictures taped around the edge from last summer in South Carolina. The top of her dresser was covered with plush toys she had been collecting since she was eight after her grandfather died, I remembered her telling the girls one day at lunch. There was a vase of flowers in the window that had been beginning to wilt. Her desk had been cleared, for it was the end of school. The rest of her room was pretty bland except for bed which stuck out the most. It was bright, sunshine yellow and lime, almost neon, green. It was plaid and with unmatched bright pink pillows and a brown, torn up teddy bear that sat in the middle of the whole bright mess.

Harley was over at Jody's dresser picking out an outfit for me to change into. He rummaged through every drawer until he found me a pair of ripped jeans, a green and pink striped sweater, and a matching bra and panties. I glared at him, the towel still around me, while he watched me expectantly with his hands folded behind his back. He rocked on his heels and then forward. I could tell he was getting impatient when he heaved a sigh and turned around. He threw back his head and looked towards the heavens while he let his arms dangle to his sides like spaghetti. I giggled silently at his absurd posture and threw Jody's clothes on her bed, dropping the now soaked towel in unison. I began to slip off my soiled clothes.

"You're pretty modest then?" he asked, still looking at the ceiling. I ignored him and continued undressing. I was stark naked when he began talking again. "So, how long have you and Jody been friends? I don't remember ever seeing you around. Which reminds me, you've still failed to tell me your name."

I scoffed. "Failed? No, I've decided not to tell you. I prefer dancing over being shoved into a pool, therefore, I'm not going to tell you my name out of fear you might take advantage of knowing it," I retorted as I slipped on the bra.

"Okay, so that was my bad. And if I do recall, I accidentally bumped into you. There was no shoving involved, sweetie. If anything, you jumped in yourself."

"Yeah, because I love dancing in wet underwear. Who are you to sit here and blame me for this anyway? I'm the one with a ruined outfit right now if you must be reminded. Thanks a lot, by the way," I said sarcastically. Right after I said that, he turned around and looked at me. "Hey!" I shrieked.

He chuckled and came up to me only to pull me in his embrace. I hugged him back not knowing what else to do. I felt especially awkward knowing I was only in a bra and panties, though. His arms around my body felt weird and uncomfortable. I remember feeling out of place and lost in that moment. "Don't worry, sweetie. Just be quiet," he had whispered in my ear. He sat on the edge of Jody's bed and slowly pulled me down onto his lap. I stiffened at the feeling of him under me and became tense. I was nervous out of my mind and I remember debating in my head whether or not I should have run towards the door. "You're so pretty. It's a shame you didn't come here with another guy. There would've been an interesting fight," he had said, interrupting my internal debate and kissing my shoulder at the same time.

The rest of it went by too fast and it still remains fuzzy in my mind. The only things I remember clearly are the feelings I felt and the thoughts that ran through my head. I feared he was going to kill me after he finished his deed, as silly as it might have sounded. I feared I would catch and STD later. The whole time I was thinking the thoughts along with other thoughts similar to these, I felt his hips grinding into mine and his warm breath gliding along my neck as he inhaled and exhaled. It was a disgusting feeling, as much of an understatement as that is. The whole time he was on top of me I felt sick to my stomach. I felt like I was out of my own skin. I was uncomfortable and I felt like I was doing something completely wrong going against everything I had ever believed in.

By the time he was finished, I was weeping and I tell my eyes were puffy. He stared into my eyes, but I looked at the floor. I wasn't able to look at him after what I had just done. Or what he had just done. I was never sure who had done the wrong in that situation, because I know I could have prevented it if I had really wanted to. I remember him kissing my forehead before he exited the room. His lips felt cool against my hot skin. I felt like throwing up. I had curled up into the bed sheets after he shut the door and wept some more. He had broken me whether it was my fault or his. I wasn't sure who to blame, but I was hurt emotionally. I didn't know what to do with myself. The only thing that ran through my mind while I wept was if I was going to receive any consequences after that horrid night...