What She Didn't Say

“Sunshine. Wake up, Sunshine!” My brother yelled, jumping at the foot of my bed. I glared at him and buried my face into the pillow. “C’mon, Mallory. It’s already ten in the morning. Get up!” He continued to jump on my bed which consistently grew annoying. I groaned and buried my face deeper into the pillow. “Mal, I have to show you something. Get you butt out of bed and get dressed.” I kept my face smothered in the pillow, simply ignoring him. He ceased the jumping and got off my bed. I let out a sigh of relief and turned my head over so I could actually breath. Little did I know, he hadn’t really left the room. He climbed back onto my bed and sat on my butt.

“Michael, get off!” I yelled. He disobeyed and started bouncing. This part of Michael is the part I thought I would be glad to get rid of, but truthfully, I had missed it. As annoyed as I was becoming, I finally agreed to get up and he quit bouncing. “Okay, hurry up and get dressed,” he said as he laid out jeans and a t-shirt for me on my bed.

“Where are we going?” I asked, still sleepy.

“Don’t worry about. Just get dressed,” he ordered, leaving the room before I could protest any further. I reluctantly put the clothes on that Michael had laid out for me and plodded downstairs. It was a Sunday morning, so our parents were at church while Michael and I had the house to ourselves. Normally when we’ve been granted a day like this, we take advantage of it, but I guess today Michael had other things on his mind.

“Seriously, Michael Lee. Where are we going?” I demanded.

He grabbed my wrist and started pulling me towards the door. I screamed. I screamed at the top of my lungs as my heart started to pound through my chest. He had taken my wrist just as Harley had done after he bumped me into the pool. It was the first thing that lead me down the wrong road. Michael doing this same action brought back all those images only playing it over and over again in my head, never stopping. I sank down into the couch and put the palms of my hands over the back of my head rested my elbows on knees. I needed to get myself together. This was getting out of control. Of course I knew that Michael could never be capable of doing such a thing to anybody, but the sudden reminder of that one person scared the living wits out of me.

“What did I do?” he asked with a bewildered expression. I shook my head and stood up. “You sure?” I nodded and started to make my way to the front door. He held the door open for me and I stepped outside into the warm air. It felt nice, almost new. I breathed in the fresh scent of the pine trees as I walked to the passenger seat of Michael’s car.

“We’re not going anywhere public are we?” I asked.

“No, you’ll be fine, Mal. Don’t worry,” he assured me. “Get in the car.” This time, I obeyed and got in the car as he had told me to. The inside of his vehicle smelled of men’s cologne, bologna, and sex. I cringed at the horrible smells that hid in this car and prayed that it was the smells coming from the car’s previous owner. Michael climbed into the driver’s seat and handed me a blindfold. “Put this on.”

I decided not to ask anymore questions and put the blindfold over my eyes. I sighed, feeling like an idiot not knowing what was in front of me or where we were going. I rested my head against the back of the seat as we hit the road, hoping I could take a quick nap before we got to our destination considering he had interrupted my dreams twenty minutes earlier. I wasn’t able to fall asleep, but just sitting there finally thinking about nothing was absolutely peaceful. I could hear the engine roaring in this old piece of crap car. The sound of the radio on low singing to me even though I wasn’t listening to the words. Michael was singing along to the radio, probably oblivious to the fact that I was still awake. I sat there in silence the whole ride. I didn’t know what to say and Michael had also failed to make conversation himself. Obviously, he had some things on his mind.

Finally, the car came to a stop and the engine cut off. I waited for Michael give me permission to take the blindfold off. When he did, I swiftly removed it from my head. They were making me wish even more that I was in my bed which only made me angry at Michael for waking me up in the first place. We were at some lake that I had never been to before. Nobody else was there. It was only Mike and me. The quiet of the nature was soothing, but I didn’t know why my brother had brought me here. I waited in silence for him to say something; to give me answers. He gave me nothing, but more silence. It drove me crazy. I stared at the motionless water of the lake and at the tree line far away in front of us. I twiddled my thumbs as I stared at everything, not sure what Michael wanted my reaction to be.

“What are we doing here?” I finally asked him when I couldn’t take the unbearable silence any longer.

“You don’t know where we are?” he asked, his tone filled with surprise. I shook my head and stared at him. “This is where Ally and I used to always go,” he said with sad eyes. “This was our lake. We came here every Saturday for a picnic.” I remembered all the stories he had told me in the middle of the night on Saturdays after returning home. There was always a different tale.

Ally was Michael’s girlfriend of two years before she was killed in a car accident. The man in the other car that had hit her was a drunk driver. Michael was devastated and it took him months to get over it in even the slightest degree. Even now, he’s still not over it and it’s been three years. You can tell how much he loved her just by looking in his eyes.

“So, what exactly are we doing here?” I asked, not trying to sound as heartless as it might have came out.

“I just miss her so much, you know?” he said as his eyes brimmed up with tears.

“Michael, of course I know you miss her. You used to tell me every night just how much you really miss her and you used to beat yourself up over it all the time. It’s not hard to figure out. But why did you bring me here?”

“I don’t want to lose you like I lost her. You’re my little sister and Mom and Dad have told me all about your behavior lately. It’s not healthy. You’re supposed to be happy and perky all the time. That’s the Mallory we all know and love. Can you just tell me what’s going on? Just tell me what’s been on your mind. I want to help, Mallory. Everyone hates seeing you like this,” Michael pleaded.

My heart sank at his requests. I not only wanted to tell him what was going on, I wanted to scream it. I wanted to get it out there because it’s slowly eating away at me from the inside out, turning me into a monster; a zombie. But even though I want so bad to reveal this huge number one secret to my older brother, I know deep down that it just simply can’t be done. So much drama would unravel if I told him. There would be so much questioning and blaming on different people. I don’t know if I could even handle that.

“It’s nothing at all, Mikey. Nothing for you to worry about. It’s just silly boy troubles,” I said, faking a laugh. Although it wasn’t the complete truth, it was most definitely at least part of the truth. It did have to do with a boy.

“You know you’re going to pull through with this pregnancy stronger than ever, right? Don’t lose hope,” he encouraged me.

“I haven’t,” I concluded.

Of course, that was a lie. It was the lie of all lies. I don’t know why I exactly I had lied to him because all I really needed was comfort from my big brother. I need a hug and for someone to coo in my ear and tell me that everything was going to be just fine. I regret not telling him that I needed that kind of attention because it would have been the best thing in that moment of time.

On the way home from the lake, it was dead silent in the car. Even the radio was turned down all the way. It was incredibly awkward and it actually kind of hurt me. I felt like I had let down my big brother and like I had hurt him. I didn’t mean to hurt him in any way, though. He knows I love him. I’m just unable to tell him right now. Maybe later, but right now certainly isn’t a great time at all. I haven’t even had my baby yet. In all honesty, I still haven’t grown used to carrying this baby around. It’s still hard for me to believe that it’s my child. I had to plan this child’s future within the next four or five months. I had to quickly decide whether or not I wanted my rapist in this child’s life and if I wanted to keep this child or not.

Every day I think of my options. I try the best I can to weigh out the good and bad of each decision, but I’m never able to decide to which one actually comes down to be the best for the both of us; the baby and me. I know either way it’s going to be a long and hard journey. It is for every mother, whether they gave their child up for adoption or raised the kid from day one. There’s always struggles.

I know there are worse things that Harley could have done to me, but I still regret every event that happened that night. I regret even going to that party in the first place. I always wonder what would have happened if I had chosen to go visit my grandma two hours away instead. Would he have pulled the same stunt on Caroline had I not been there? If that would have been the case, then I’m glad it was me instead of her, but I still wonder, “Why me?” This simple question always runs through my mind.

There was only more silence as we exited the car and entered the house. Our parents still weren’t home yet. They had probably gone out for lunch. I went to the kitchen to get myself something eat. Michael surprisingly followed behind me and sat on the bar stool at the counter. I rummaged through the refrigerator until I found some chicken breasts I decided to make along with broccoli and rice. As I was getting the pans out of the cabinet and heating the stove, Michael began speaking. He sounded angry and disappointed. “You know, you’re only hurting yourself by not telling me what’s going on? You may be hurting Mom, Dad, and me, but overall you’re the one suffering the most by not talking. You’ll eventually explode, Mallory. We’re only trying to help you. It’s not healthy to be this stressed out and this depressed especially in the middle of a pregnancy.”

“I know I’m hurting you guys and it hurts me to know that, but I seriously can’t tell you. It’s hard to explain to make you understand. You’ll be so mad and I don’t want you to be mad at me. That’s the last thing I want,” I told him.

“You don’t think I’m mad right now? Mallory, I’m furious! You’ve changed so much since the last time I saw you. All this negative behavior has never been like you. What is it? Talk to me,” he pleaded. “Just talk.”

I longed to talk so much. He had no idea. I just couldn’t. “I’m sorry,” I whispered.