A Utopian Delusion
anger
(Back on Earth)
She appeared as an angel of light in the darkness of my mind. Standing before me I felt she was more real to me now than she had ever been. I wanted to ask her so many questions but words had failed me. Cocking her head to the side she smiled at me in confusion as to why I wouldn't speak. Reaching out to touch the softness of her pale skin, she ran lighting up the room we stood in.
"Wait!," I called out to her,"Come back!" I began to run after her, she laughed as I started to catch up to her. When I caught her we fell to the ground and suddenly her eyes went wide, she became terrified.
I looked around and saw an endless sea of golden grass, tears were forming in her eyes. Crouching next to her to see what she was looking at, I saw a man with no face holding a sword. Then it hit me I had seen him before, I felt an anger build up inside me. I wanted to hurt him for hurting her.
I heard her scream,"Please don't do this!!"
Jumping up I got in front of her and tried to block him but he was too fast and had his sword around her neck. His voice was muffled and I could not understand him.
"Your my brother, please,"she was crying.
"Stop," I yelled,"Please don't do this!"
Again he spoke and I could not understand, she took in a breath and he slit her throat. Blood poured from her neck and I caught her in my arms, her eyes were closed as blood still fell from her wound."Wake up!" I screamed,"Please wake up!"
The mysterious figure started to walk away,"Why?" I asked trying to hold in all of my anger, I wanted to kill him at that moment.
He turned to look at me and muffled a reply that sounded like,"Because of you."
Pushing her hair out of her face I began to cry, what was happening to her?
Ashley stood at the end of my bed as I sat up and felt my body wake up. Her eyes showed she was afraid so I didn't talk I just got up and walked to the bathroom. Repeating what I'd done last time and returning to my bed afterwards.
"What happened?" Ashley asked.
"She got hurt again, and I couldn't save her"," I felt tears in my eyes.
"Is she going to be ok?" Ashley looked concerned and I couldn't answer her,"Dereck is she going to be ok? Did she die?"
"I don't know," I whispered,"In my dream she died in my arms."
Without warning Ashley hugged me and I began crying, I wanted her to be ok but I didn't know and that's what scared me the most.
"It's going to be ok." Ashley rubbed my back as we hugged,"Big brother she's going to be ok."
"How do you know?" I questioned her.
"I just know, she's strong like you and can take on far worse than you can," Ashely said and I smiled at her.
"Thanks sis," I replied falling on my pillow.
Letting me go she got up,"Tell her to stop the nightmares, I like the happy dreams better,"Ashley smiled and soon she was out the door back to her room.
Not sure if I should sleep I decided to stay up all night just in case. I pulled my notebook out of my backpack and began to drawl her face. I started with the shape of her face and began to draw her hair, then her nose, cheeks, mouth and last her eyes. I gave her a smile because that's how I wanted to remember her always, happy. Closing my notebook I could feel sleep taking me, so laying my head down I felt myself sucked into a dream.
My alarm clock was a rude awakening the next day, stumbling to my closet I changed into a new shirt and pair of jeans. Something felt off but I couldn't decide what so I ran down stairs to Ashley eating cereal.
"What's up sleepy head?" I laughed but she didn't respond. I walked over to her and sat down,"Ashley, " I waved my hand in her face,"Earth to Ashley?" I gently shook her to see if she was asleep, but as soon as I touched her, her head spit from her body and rolled on the table. Stopping I saw her eyes wide open and he mouth in the shape of a scream. Scared I pushed myself to the wall and hit my head, blood was on my hands when I looked down. What had I done I thought, my body quickly got up and went to the kitchen where my mom stood.
"Mom you have to help me..," I screamed,"It's Ashley.
She didn't move so I touched her and her head fell off her body and rolled to the floor. Fear took over me, I wanted to run and hide but then I saw her. She reached for my hand and I instantly took it. Running she pulled me outside to a world on fire. Black smoke covered the sky, I looked at her trying to figure out what to do.
"What's going on?" I asked.
She put her hand over my lips and a quietly shh me. Taking my hand again we ran past empty streets and burning buildings. I wanted to ask her what was going on but I just followed her. Stopping abruptly, I turned to look at her and she was starring out.
"What's wrong? Why did we stop?" I asked, I could feel her trembling as she pointed to a figure coming towards us. The wind blew the smoke away so I could make him out. It was the man from her nightmares I grabbed her hand and ran back past more buildings, we turned the corner and kept running. I tried to find a place for us to hid but all the buildings were on fire.
"Please," she cried,"Help me!"
"I don't know where to go," I said trying to find where to go. Finally I found a building that wasn't on fire and we ran inside locking in the door. She started up the stairs calling for me to join her. Following her I walked into a hallway full of doors.
"Which one?" She asked.
"Um," I said looking at all the doors,"This one."
I tried to open it but it was locked,"I meant this one," again I turned the knob of another door and found it was locked.
"Hurry!" she cried,"Please hurry!"
"I'm trying," I said trying another door and then another.
A shadow appeared near the stairs,"Please," her eyes wide with fear.
Finally a door opened and I grabbed her taking her into the room with me. I shut the door and locked it. Turning around we stood under the tree where I'd seen her in one of my dreams. There was a guy with brown curly hair and blue eyes standing there waiting for her. She ran to him and he took her in his arms, I began to feel jealousy rising with in me.
I couldn't understand why I began to feel this way but I tried to contain it. He gently touched her face as she closed her eyes smiling. My fists started to hurt and I realized I was clenching my fists very tight. I kept trying to keep my feelings deep inside but it became harder to bottle up. she opened her eyes and looked in his lovingly, he moved in and they began to kiss. Whatever control I had was gone my anger took over me and I felt myself black out.
Before I fell I saw her face and her eyes went wide with fear.
I heard my alarm clock again and realized I was still asleep. Rubbing my eyes and face I tried to get myself back to reality. The sun shined through my window and I layed back on my pillow. I starred at the shadows from my ceiling fan, around and around I felt like my life had become this merry go round that wouldn't stop. Letting out a sigh I got up and headed down stairs like in my dream. Ashley smiled when she saw me, her bowl was empty and she had been listening to her ipod.
"Good morning," she started pulling out her head phones,"What a lovely saturday it is, don't you agree?" she asked laughing.
"Someone's in a good mood," I said sitting down and pouring a bowl of cereal.
"Yes I am in a good mood," she smiled,"Because I am going to spend the day having complete and utter fun."
"Can I come?" I asked.
She laughed,"Of course you can!"
We finished eating and got in a taxi heading down to central park. A band Ashley loved was playing in the park, and her friends joined us as we danced to the classic rock.
Missy showed up and danced with me, pulling my arms around her we swayed to the music.
The day went on and did we, hoping in a cab Ashley, Missy and I found ourselves in a night club. Letting the night take away my pain missy brought me an odd color drink but I didn't care anymore.
My dream girl had decieved me so I took the drink down without a worry or care. Pressing our bodies together Missy turned and pressed her lips to mine. Angry at my dream girl I began kissing Missy. Our kissing became more intense so she dragged me into an alleyway pushing me against a wall. She began kissing me, her hand moving down my chest towards my pants.
I snapped back to my norma self,"Missy," I took her hands in mine,"What are you doing?"
"Dereck I was," she smiled but then realized I was serious,"I was um, trying to... I'm sorry."
She looked embarrassed,"Missy it's ok I just," I tried to find the right words,"I didn't mean to lead you on."
"I shouldn't have kissed you like that," she frowned," I know you just want to be friends Dereck, but I wish you would give me a real chance."
"I'm sorry Missy," I said,"I'm not in my right mind."
Walking away I went back in the club and found Ashley. She was smiling and having fun with her friends. I told her I was going home and she insisted she come so I let her. Riding home in silence I felt bad for what I'd done to Missy, she didn't deserve that and I'd only done it because I was angry. Ashley laughed and danced all the way in our house, but I dragged my feet back to my room. Shutting the door I kicked my bed, hard with all my anger.
I wanted to hit my walls but decided against it in the end. Replaying her kiss in my head, the face of her lover with his brown hair and blue eyes. The anger I felt began to take over me again. Stop I argued with myself, stop feeling this way. I just wanted to be happy and normal. Most of all I wanted to feel normal again.
She appeared as an angel of light in the darkness of my mind. Standing before me I felt she was more real to me now than she had ever been. I wanted to ask her so many questions but words had failed me. Cocking her head to the side she smiled at me in confusion as to why I wouldn't speak. Reaching out to touch the softness of her pale skin, she ran lighting up the room we stood in.
"Wait!," I called out to her,"Come back!" I began to run after her, she laughed as I started to catch up to her. When I caught her we fell to the ground and suddenly her eyes went wide, she became terrified.
I looked around and saw an endless sea of golden grass, tears were forming in her eyes. Crouching next to her to see what she was looking at, I saw a man with no face holding a sword. Then it hit me I had seen him before, I felt an anger build up inside me. I wanted to hurt him for hurting her.
I heard her scream,"Please don't do this!!"
Jumping up I got in front of her and tried to block him but he was too fast and had his sword around her neck. His voice was muffled and I could not understand him.
"Your my brother, please,"she was crying.
"Stop," I yelled,"Please don't do this!"
Again he spoke and I could not understand, she took in a breath and he slit her throat. Blood poured from her neck and I caught her in my arms, her eyes were closed as blood still fell from her wound."Wake up!" I screamed,"Please wake up!"
The mysterious figure started to walk away,"Why?" I asked trying to hold in all of my anger, I wanted to kill him at that moment.
He turned to look at me and muffled a reply that sounded like,"Because of you."
Pushing her hair out of her face I began to cry, what was happening to her?
Ashley stood at the end of my bed as I sat up and felt my body wake up. Her eyes showed she was afraid so I didn't talk I just got up and walked to the bathroom. Repeating what I'd done last time and returning to my bed afterwards.
"What happened?" Ashley asked.
"She got hurt again, and I couldn't save her"," I felt tears in my eyes.
"Is she going to be ok?" Ashley looked concerned and I couldn't answer her,"Dereck is she going to be ok? Did she die?"
"I don't know," I whispered,"In my dream she died in my arms."
Without warning Ashley hugged me and I began crying, I wanted her to be ok but I didn't know and that's what scared me the most.
"It's going to be ok." Ashley rubbed my back as we hugged,"Big brother she's going to be ok."
"How do you know?" I questioned her.
"I just know, she's strong like you and can take on far worse than you can," Ashely said and I smiled at her.
"Thanks sis," I replied falling on my pillow.
Letting me go she got up,"Tell her to stop the nightmares, I like the happy dreams better,"Ashley smiled and soon she was out the door back to her room.
Not sure if I should sleep I decided to stay up all night just in case. I pulled my notebook out of my backpack and began to drawl her face. I started with the shape of her face and began to draw her hair, then her nose, cheeks, mouth and last her eyes. I gave her a smile because that's how I wanted to remember her always, happy. Closing my notebook I could feel sleep taking me, so laying my head down I felt myself sucked into a dream.
My alarm clock was a rude awakening the next day, stumbling to my closet I changed into a new shirt and pair of jeans. Something felt off but I couldn't decide what so I ran down stairs to Ashley eating cereal.
"What's up sleepy head?" I laughed but she didn't respond. I walked over to her and sat down,"Ashley, " I waved my hand in her face,"Earth to Ashley?" I gently shook her to see if she was asleep, but as soon as I touched her, her head spit from her body and rolled on the table. Stopping I saw her eyes wide open and he mouth in the shape of a scream. Scared I pushed myself to the wall and hit my head, blood was on my hands when I looked down. What had I done I thought, my body quickly got up and went to the kitchen where my mom stood.
"Mom you have to help me..," I screamed,"It's Ashley.
She didn't move so I touched her and her head fell off her body and rolled to the floor. Fear took over me, I wanted to run and hide but then I saw her. She reached for my hand and I instantly took it. Running she pulled me outside to a world on fire. Black smoke covered the sky, I looked at her trying to figure out what to do.
"What's going on?" I asked.
She put her hand over my lips and a quietly shh me. Taking my hand again we ran past empty streets and burning buildings. I wanted to ask her what was going on but I just followed her. Stopping abruptly, I turned to look at her and she was starring out.
"What's wrong? Why did we stop?" I asked, I could feel her trembling as she pointed to a figure coming towards us. The wind blew the smoke away so I could make him out. It was the man from her nightmares I grabbed her hand and ran back past more buildings, we turned the corner and kept running. I tried to find a place for us to hid but all the buildings were on fire.
"Please," she cried,"Help me!"
"I don't know where to go," I said trying to find where to go. Finally I found a building that wasn't on fire and we ran inside locking in the door. She started up the stairs calling for me to join her. Following her I walked into a hallway full of doors.
"Which one?" She asked.
"Um," I said looking at all the doors,"This one."
I tried to open it but it was locked,"I meant this one," again I turned the knob of another door and found it was locked.
"Hurry!" she cried,"Please hurry!"
"I'm trying," I said trying another door and then another.
A shadow appeared near the stairs,"Please," her eyes wide with fear.
Finally a door opened and I grabbed her taking her into the room with me. I shut the door and locked it. Turning around we stood under the tree where I'd seen her in one of my dreams. There was a guy with brown curly hair and blue eyes standing there waiting for her. She ran to him and he took her in his arms, I began to feel jealousy rising with in me.
I couldn't understand why I began to feel this way but I tried to contain it. He gently touched her face as she closed her eyes smiling. My fists started to hurt and I realized I was clenching my fists very tight. I kept trying to keep my feelings deep inside but it became harder to bottle up. she opened her eyes and looked in his lovingly, he moved in and they began to kiss. Whatever control I had was gone my anger took over me and I felt myself black out.
Before I fell I saw her face and her eyes went wide with fear.
I heard my alarm clock again and realized I was still asleep. Rubbing my eyes and face I tried to get myself back to reality. The sun shined through my window and I layed back on my pillow. I starred at the shadows from my ceiling fan, around and around I felt like my life had become this merry go round that wouldn't stop. Letting out a sigh I got up and headed down stairs like in my dream. Ashley smiled when she saw me, her bowl was empty and she had been listening to her ipod.
"Good morning," she started pulling out her head phones,"What a lovely saturday it is, don't you agree?" she asked laughing.
"Someone's in a good mood," I said sitting down and pouring a bowl of cereal.
"Yes I am in a good mood," she smiled,"Because I am going to spend the day having complete and utter fun."
"Can I come?" I asked.
She laughed,"Of course you can!"
We finished eating and got in a taxi heading down to central park. A band Ashley loved was playing in the park, and her friends joined us as we danced to the classic rock.
Missy showed up and danced with me, pulling my arms around her we swayed to the music.
The day went on and did we, hoping in a cab Ashley, Missy and I found ourselves in a night club. Letting the night take away my pain missy brought me an odd color drink but I didn't care anymore.
My dream girl had decieved me so I took the drink down without a worry or care. Pressing our bodies together Missy turned and pressed her lips to mine. Angry at my dream girl I began kissing Missy. Our kissing became more intense so she dragged me into an alleyway pushing me against a wall. She began kissing me, her hand moving down my chest towards my pants.
I snapped back to my norma self,"Missy," I took her hands in mine,"What are you doing?"
"Dereck I was," she smiled but then realized I was serious,"I was um, trying to... I'm sorry."
She looked embarrassed,"Missy it's ok I just," I tried to find the right words,"I didn't mean to lead you on."
"I shouldn't have kissed you like that," she frowned," I know you just want to be friends Dereck, but I wish you would give me a real chance."
"I'm sorry Missy," I said,"I'm not in my right mind."
Walking away I went back in the club and found Ashley. She was smiling and having fun with her friends. I told her I was going home and she insisted she come so I let her. Riding home in silence I felt bad for what I'd done to Missy, she didn't deserve that and I'd only done it because I was angry. Ashley laughed and danced all the way in our house, but I dragged my feet back to my room. Shutting the door I kicked my bed, hard with all my anger.
I wanted to hit my walls but decided against it in the end. Replaying her kiss in my head, the face of her lover with his brown hair and blue eyes. The anger I felt began to take over me again. Stop I argued with myself, stop feeling this way. I just wanted to be happy and normal. Most of all I wanted to feel normal again.