This Turbulence is Beautiful.

The next day was a Sunday. When I awoke it was raining, and bitterly cold both outside and in my bedroom. The window didn’t quite shut properly, and where as normally I was grateful for the slight breeze because it made me more eager to escape from the draught, today was different. I stayed deep under my cover, not letting any part of my body out of my cocoon of duvet and feeling somewhat warmer for it. Eventually, however, the fact that I was desperate for the toilet got too much for me, and I couldn’t face going back into my refrigerator of a bedroom, so I headed downstairs to see what the boys were up to today.
As soon as I got downstairs, Matt rushed out of the kitchen.

“Are you okay, Rosie?”

For a second, I frowned at him, completely confused, before it dawned on me- Josh. My face fell and I instantly felt that little bit more fragile.

“How about we go out today, just us two? We can just have a bit more of a catch up and a chatter?”

I giggled, “You sound like an old lady,” but I didn’t bother answering, just ran upstairs to get dressed. The room was getting colder by the second, I’m pretty sure. One last tug on the half-open window to try and slam it shut, which failed, and I exited. I walked into the kitchen to get Matt.

“You want to come, mate?” Matt asked Max as he counted the notes in his wallet.

Max said nothing to Matt. He merely looked at me, and narrowed his eyes, before clearing his throat and shaking his head, “Nah, I’m okay thanks. Have a good time though,” he stood up, plopping his coffee mug into the sink, “I’m going to go hang with Josh. See you later, Matt.”

After five minutes of struggling to lace up his shoes properly, Matt stood up, “You ready to go?”

“What was up with that?” I bit my lip, looking towards the door where Max had just left.

Matt simply laughed, frowning in confusion, “What’s up with what?”

“Max.”

His frown stuck on his features, “Nothing? What did he do?”

I shook my head- I was imagining things- I didn’t manage well in arguments and Josh had simply rattled my brain, “Don’t worry. Let’s go!”



My morning with Matt was chilled out and relaxing. The good thing about being with Matt was that I didn’t even have to say what I was thinking, which was good because I don’t think I could have articulated the amount of things running around my mind.

We were sat in a small café when the conversation I was expecting came up. I was feeling a mixture of things about this conversation. The first thing that ran through my mind was dread, because really I hated drama and wanted the whole thing to be ignored. If I could pretend like nothing had even happened, maybe everyone else would follow suit.

But then again, I hated atmospheres, and I knew that ignoring this would make it more and more awkward for not only Josh and I but everyone, and I really didn’t want to make anyone else upset with me; especially because they were all being so caring. Taking me in when I didn’t really have a right to ask was one thing, but to actually look after me and go out of their way to make me feel both included and just generally better was something else entirely. It was something I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to pay back.

“So, what happened with Josh last night?”

I sighed, a deep and troubled sigh. Matt interpreted this well, holding out his hand for me to clasp on to. I did so with ease, because I truly needed comfort. I didn’t know that so many things could go wrong in such little time.

“You don’t know what happened, do you?” Matt smiled softly, rubbing the back of my hand with his thumb. It was the same gesture Millie had used when I was telling her about Taylor.

“Do you know what happened, Matt?” I pulled my hand back from his.

He looked at me, shocked, “What? No, Rosie. I wasn’t even in the room at the time…” he trailed off, frowning at me. I tried to smile back at him.

“I’m so sorry. I just- I don’t know what I did. I feel like I’m pushing everyone away without even trying to. I pushed Taylor away because he found someone more exciting. I pushed Millie away because she didn’t trust me. Within weeks I pushed Josh away because I don’t “understand” him. What is it that I’m doing wrong?” I exclaimed, pushing my hand though my hair and then letting my face rest in my palms. My hands were cold, and my face felt boiling hot. I was probably bright red for getting so wound up, and I was embarrassed because people next to us were staring, but I couldn’t help myself. I couldn’t even stop talking. I looked up at Matt, my eyes welling up with tears teetering on the edge of flowing down my rouged cheeks, “Why is it so hard for people to stay with me, Matty? Is it just in my nature to make people hate me or something?” I smiled a small and weak smile that didn’t want to stick as I mumbled the last sentence, trying to lighten the already depressing mood that was echoing around our table.

The couple next to us looked over unashamedly, just staring. I could see them looking through my peripheral vision, just out of the corner of my eyes. I took my hand from my forehead and looked at them. They instantly broke eye contact and picked up their coffees- the tale tell sign. I looked back at Matt, who had a small smile on his lips. I smiled back, and this time it felt a little more genuine.

“I don’t think any of those things are your fault. It’s not your fault Taylor is a fuckwit with more semen than brains. It’s not your fault Millie was always that dumb. And before you protest,” he cut me off before I’d even started to speak, “she was always dumb.”

I nodded meekly, not really agreeing but trying to make it look like I did.

“I know you don’t feel like it now, Rosie, but its better this happened sooner rather than later. Imagine divorce- and splitting the possessions. He would have taken the Xbox hard drive for sure- there’s no way a woman could win that in a court of law.”

He was right, in a stereotypical guy’s way of thinking kind of way. It was better this happened sooner rather than later. I just wish it had happened much sooner- before I’d fallen in love, before I’d moved away, before I’d stopped talking to Matt and before my mind had settled on me being forever boring but forever content; content equalled happiness in my mind.

“Can I ask you something, Rosie?” Matt said after a little break in our mostly one-sided conversation.

“Of course,” I nodded. I didn’t say anything else, mainly because I didn’t need to. I don’t know why Matt even asked- he knew that we could, and did, talk about everything. Even now it felt like there had barely been a break in our friendship. It felt like we had always been best friends.

“Did you tell Josh?” he looked up from his coffee and at me, his eyes soft with what I could only interoperate as worry.

I shook my head. I knew what he was talking about and I didn’t feel the need to go into more detail. It was just typical that the only thing Matt seemed to have picked up from the conversation was the part when I was talking about myself, and yet he still knew nothing about Josh’s involvement in the argument, or even why it happened.

“So what happened?”

“He asked about me staying over yours a lot when we were younger, and I instantly snapped and asked what he knew, which only made it obvious that there was stuff to know. So he asked me, like ‘what is there to tell?’- at first it was a joke but then he had to go and get all serious about it.”

Matt nodded, thinking carefully, “You know, I never told the boys about what happened, Rosie.”

I smiled back, “I know.”

He flashed a grin, taking hold of my cold hand in his warm palm, “And you couldn’t push me away if you tried. I’ll always stay with you.”



At about one o’clock in the afternoon, Hayden gave me a quick phone call to ask if I wanted to meet up. He said he was in a rush at that moment in time, so he couldn’t stay on the phone for long, but suggested we go late night shopping and out for dinner at the local shopping centre. I agreed in a most eager fashion, obviously, and started planning my outfit in my head ready for when he came to pick me up.

By the time he arrived in his very slick black five-door car, I had dressed, re-dressed and then re-dressed again, trying to find a balance of suitable to shop in and suitable to wear out to dinner afterwards, and although I was certain I didn’t really hit the mark, Matt said I looked gorgeous when I finally headed downstairs. Waving a quick goodbye to the boys, who were sat around in a similar fashion to how they had been the night before, I headed outside, and was whisked away on my second date in two days. I felt like something was finally coming out for the better of this complete mess I had been launched in to. A quick peck on the cheek from Hayden and we were off.

There was something funny about shopping- whether or not you had a good time completely and utterly depended on who you were with, as with most things. Whilst I loved spending time with Hayden, I couldn’t help but get the feeling he was on edge for most of the evening. He said he’d had a busy day at work, which explained it for the most part. When I had been busy at work, I was never able to simply shut off; there was no internal switch that could hold me back from wiping countless surfaces three or four times, or stop speaking to the boys in my worker-to-customer fashion- friendly voice overly laced with scoops of intonation, along with dashes of laughter whenever I felt the need to, in spite of whether or not it was actually needed.

It was also awkward shopping with Hayden when it was clear that neither of us had any reason to be here other than to enjoy each others company, so after less than half an hour wondering around aimlessly, we decided with a laugh that we should just settle down to eat dinner. The place was near empty because it was so early, but we were happy with that as it meant we got to sit in a booth.

Making simple conversation that always seemed to flow so easily, we quickly fought through our plates loaded with food. Just as we were finishing, Hayden’s phone rang sharply in his pocket, causing the other people in the restaurant to look our way. I could only giggle at this, sort of giddy with how comfortable things were with us. I didn’t even feel uncomfortable eating around him, something that I had always been wary of simply because I was possibly the world’s most unattractive eater, maybe second to Max.

“Sorry, Rosie, I just need to take this,” he stood up with his phone in his hand, “Hello, love,” and walked outside to finish his phone call. I laughed at his idiom, he seemed to call every female he knew love, and every male he knew mate. I found it adorable, in an odd kind of way; but then I seemed to find everything he did adorable in one way or another.

He returned a couple of minutes later, rolling his eyes.

I laughed, “Fun phone call?”

He smirked, picking up his knife and fork to finish the last little scraps of food on his plate, “It was absolutely riveting as always. I’m just annoyed they stole two minutes of my time with you.” He smiled a heart-warming smile as my cheeks flushed. I said nothing in return, simply basking in my happiness.



Such happiness could only lead to one thing, and now Hayden’s car was parked up outside the boys’ house, me straddling his lap as he sat in the driver’s seat, the steering wheel pressing into the small of my back. Nothing mattered at this moment in time, however, as I was stuck in a serious game of tonsil tennis with Hayden.

A small moan escaped my lips as his hands worked their way down my back and to my hip, which made me pull back as he smiled.

“Oh yeah, what was that then?” he smirked, giving me a peck on the nose. I blushed furiously, finally reserving myself enough to be able to pull myself from him and fall back into the passenger’s seat.

“It was nice seeing you again, Rosie. Maybe we can make this a more regular thing?”

I bit my lip and nodded, saying nothing. I think all of the confidence and breath had been taken out of me with our small make-out session. It was safe to say, I would sleep soundly that night.

Well, I might have been able to if I hadn’t of been rallying explicit texts to Hayden for most of the evening. I think he had some crazy ability to be able to stay up for ninety percent of the night, but I didn’t have that ability in the slightest, and passed out mid-text, my mind racing but my body well and truly exhausted.



“So, how was the date last night?” Dan smirked at me as I came down the next morning ready for work. I could only smile back and blush.

“And she’s blushing too! Must have been a good one,” Matt winked at Dan.

I shook my head, trying to look almost pitying in a way, “You guys are unbearable, you know that?” I smiled softly, mainly because saying they were unbearable simply wasn’t true. I was quite flattered that people were interested in my love life for once; I had heard countless tales of Millie’s flings back in London, and the only time we ever talked about Taylor either led to me feeling severly depressed, or, based on later events, led me to finding him naked in my bed with someone else.

“Work this morning then, Rosie?” Dan asked. I nodded, whipping a piece of toast from Matt’s plate and biting into it carefully, cautious to avoid messing up my lip balm and having to eat toast that tasted like Aloe Vera.

I looked around the kitchen a most overdramatic way, “Where’s Josh?” I muttered, peering into the living room to see if he was sat in there. It was almost like I expected him to pop out any second, to take me to work on a Monday like he had taken to doing recently.

Dan and Matt looked at each other, and then looked back at me, “He’s not here, Rosie,” Matt said, looking at me questioningly.

I was too fixated on getting the bread from my claimed toast out from between my teeth to even register what he said, and when I did, I was just confused, “What? Is he okay?”

Dan laughed an almost pitying laugh, in the most compassionate way he could muster, “He’s fine. He just figured you didn’t need him to walk you to work any more now that you have Hayden to do it.”

My little finger was in my mouth, trying to rid the last of the crumbs from my molars, as I took in what Dan said. I frowned, a pit in my stomach appearing almost instantly. That last statement almost felt like it winded me. Just because I had Hayden now, didn’t mean I didn’t want the boys in my life, and I especially didn’t want to lose Josh. I couldn’t tell why that thought made me feel so uncomfortable, but I literally felt the colour being drained from my cheeks, as I did the best I could manage to look indifferent and keep my posture, “Oh, okay,” I nodded towards Matt, and then Dan, a smile plastered on my face. I nodded once more, as if doing so would convince them despite the fact they clearly weren’t convinced in the slightest, and picked up my bag, “Okay. Right. I’ll see you later then, guys.”

Before they could reply, I was out of the building in a flash. I walked down the street as quickly as my legs could take me, focusing on the work I could do today and making a mental list. Lists always worked in times of crisis- although why I was referring to this moment as a crisis in my head, I wasn’t really sure.