This Turbulence is Beautiful.

Josh had flat out stopped taking me to work in the mornings, and he never offered to pick me up. He hadn’t really spoken to me since we had our very one-sided argument weeks back, and that still confused me, enough to make me break down several times to Matt. I wasn’t expecting him to dig; Josh was one of his best friends and I wasn’t trying to make him take sides with me. I didn’t even want there to be sides in the first place, but multiple attempts at conversation with him had got me nowhere, and it was starting to take its toll on me and even on my relationships with the boys. They seemed to feel like they couldn’t talk to me whilst Josh was in the room, just in case he got upset with them too. Josh’s problem- which, it was becoming increasingly obvious, everyone in the house was in on except for me- was putting a lot of strain on them as well. Matt said it was almost like he had a split personality sometimes.

If it wasn’t for the fact that I had Hayden to keep me occupied for some evenings in the week, I may have become a social recluse. Lucy and I occasionally went out shopping at the weekends, but we hadn’t quite broken the first friendship barrier and were still very much in the small talk stage- which was nice most of the time, but it often tired me out in a way. We got along just fine, but having the awkward silences occasionally wasn’t something I was used to, and it was just getting past that stage that scared us both off a bit.

When I had got home from work late last night, the boys had been out, so I had left a note upon the table telling them that Hayden was coming over tomorrow- which was now today, a Saturday. As soon as I woke up, I could tell that they weren’t in the house, and the note they had left in reply to mine on the table claimed they were making themselves scarce for “good reasons”. I guess they knew what was going down today as much as I did- that being, my underwear.

So, it kind of sounded arrogant of me to assume that’s what was happening, but since I had already done numerous stupid things with Hayden, i.e. make out with him ferociously in public (something I hated… when it was other people), reply to explicit texts in an equally embarrassing way and had constantly told him off this week for his naughty hands when we were out anywhere, it would have been simply naïve of me to assume any different.

Once I got his phone call telling me he was here- one of the only times he’d called me if I didn’t include the time when I couldn’t find him in the town centre (keeping in mind I hadn’t been there in a good four years)- I took a number of deep breaths to try and calm my nerves, and after ditching my idea of a shot of vodka to help said stupid nerves, I set off to collect him in a most motherly fashion from the end of the road.

I saw him from a mile off. He was sat on a wall outside someone else house with sunglasses on even though it wasn’t really that sunny. Josh would have instantly called him a wanker for doing so, but I shook that remark to the back of my head and smiled as he gave me a small wave. Clearly not one for public affection, surprisingly, he gave me a quick peck on the cheek and we walked down the road in a sort of awkward silence. It was one of the only times silence between us had felt like it didn’t belong- other times it was simply natural.

I pulled him up the road by his hand until we got to the house, where we proceeded to sit on the sofa and make out just a little, before I suggested we head upstairs. He smiled at me, not answering, just standing up. It seemed to take a while to reach my bedroom as I couldn’t go ten seconds without feeling the need to attach my lips to his.

Before we’d even closed the door, our clothes were coming off. His seeming need to wear two shirts, as well as his stupidly-hard-to-undo belt, frustrated me beyond words at that moment in time. Taylor had never worn belts this stupid- but then I couldn’t go thinking about Taylor now, not when I was already so nervous I felt like I was going to throw up. Stupidly, I hadn’t really considered my experience with this whole thing. The only guy I’d ever even thought about sex with before I got to Weybridge was Taylor; and what if I was just shit in bed? I couldn’t really expect Hayden to stick around through that, could I? I mean, I was nearly twenty- he wouldn’t be expecting someone so nervous. Or possibly crap, for that matter.

But it happened.

To say it was amazing would have been a lie. To my dismay, if I were to pick one word to describe it, it would have been awkward. Things with Taylor felt sort of natural, and I could only expect this to be the same- but it wasn’t. It didn’t feel like that big of a deal to me, because it could only mean we would need more practice- something which I wouldn’t have complained about.

And then Hayden and I froze, as we heard the front door open loudly and shoes being scuffed against the doormat softly. I literally leapt from Hayden, scrambling to pull my underwear on as the person made their way upstairs.

“What are you doing, Rosie?” Hayden muttered from the bed, still making no effort to move.

“Rosie, are you up here?” I heard Josh’s voice call softly. I cursed under my breath, struggling to find my t-shirt that had been so casually flung across the room, “Rosie? I know you’re here, Matt said you were staying home today. Look, if you don’t want to talk to me I get it. I know I’ve been a royal dick; I just wanted to apologise and explain. I really need to tell you something,” He stopped at the end of the hall, knocking on my door slightly, “Rosie? Please talk to me. This is really important to me,”

I silently prayed in my head that he wouldn’t open the door, but I knew I was too late. He knocked on the door once more, before pushing down on the door handle and slowly pushing the door open.

His eyes sort of scanned the room quietly before he took in the situation. There was Hayden, lying completely unphased and naked in my bed covered by my duvet; me, in my underwear and with my vest top being hastily pulled over my head; both of us looking slightly flustered.

Josh’s mouth formed a perfect ‘O’ shape, before he frowned, looking round again, “Oh! Oh shit! I’m so sorry Rosie, I didn’t realise!” He flushed bright red, before backing out of the room, and for the second time in my stay in Weybridge was left standing and apologising to a closed door.

I heard him run down the stairs and close the front door with a quick slam and then heard his small car being started. I sighed and ran a hand through my hair, pushing my fringe from my eyes. Hayden looked up at me and pushed the covers aside expectantly, so I clambered back into bed. His hands tugged at my t-shirt whilst his teeth tugged at my bottom lip, but I could only push him away. The chain of events had been broken, and with my mind on Josh I couldn't quite bring myself to carry on under the sheets with Hayden like nothing had even happened.

"Well that was embarrassing," I muttered, trying to ignore the fact that Hayden looked more than slightly pissy at the fact I was clothed again.

"It could have been worse... He could have walked in without us hearing him arriving. I think he would have got it straight away then," he laughed. I smiled, but didn't really feel like doing so. This was going to forever be on my mind and probably kill the little confidence I had in these kinds of situations anyway. Right now, the thought of having sex with Hayden again mixed with the fact that I suddenly felt awful for doing it in the first place was making me feel sick.

I soon got rid of Hayden, feigning a headache. He kissed my forehead, kissed me goodbye, and told me he'd see me soon.



Once Hayden had left I immediately called Matt to ask him if Josh was there. He seemed hesitant and then said that he had left half an hour ago to "sort something out". Mentally cursing, I said thanks and my goodbyes. Matt stopped me before I could go.

"Why are you looking for Josh, Rosie? You guys are hardly speaking at the moment."

I told him not to worry and hung up. I guess Josh hadn't even told the guys that he was coming to see me. I decided I'd brave the sort of darkening sky and tried to remember the way to Josh's house, leaving straight away.



Two minutes down the road and I'd realised I'd forgotten my coat. I weighed up whether it was worth going back but didn't see the point.

My phone starting buzzing in my back pocket and I pulled it out in such a panic and looked at the screen expectantly. My stomach dropped when it wasn't who I was hoping for, and dropped again when I saw it was only my old nosy neighbour from London. I frowned, weighing up whether to answer or nit, but decided I had better seeing as the only reason I had her number was in case her overweight husband had his third heart attack and needed a lift to hospital because she "didn't trust them Paramedics, with all their prodding and poking."

"Hello?" I answered carefully, my fingers mentally crossed for Mr. Gillingham's safety.

"Ahh hello, Rosie, dearest- it's Sue Gillingham here."

Okay... She didn't sound particularly flustered, or at all like her husbands life was on the line. I breathed a small sigh of relief, "Hello Mrs. Gillingham. How are you?" I held my breath in hope that her husband was okay and that her seemingly uncaring nature wasn't due to the fact that she'd been in this kind of situation so many times before.

"I'm good, Harry's good. It's all fine and dandy here. How's Weybridge? Is it good to be back home?"

It was all suddenly clear- the book club had been chatting and they realised they knew nothing about me all of a sudden. It was a harmless old gossip session! I smiled, happy that some things in life never changed, "Yes, it’s all going good thank you, Mrs. Gillingham. It’s getting pretty chilly around here though. How's the weather up in London?"

"Oh, fine, fine," her tone suggested she was bored of the small talk, "Now listen, Rosie. We were all very sad to hear about you and Taylor. Tell me, are you doing okay?"

I nodded into the phone as I took in what she said. It made my heart sort of lurch to hear the sadness in her voice, almost disappointment. I never meant to let anyone down, especially not Sue Gillingham. A gossip, she was, but she was harmless, and I couldn't count the amount of good things she'd done for me- meals on wheels when I was sick and Taylor was away on business, trips to the doctors when I wasn't well enough to drive. She'd even helped me pick out a colour scheme for our new kitchen when it had been installed. She was the friendly community mother figure, something which I definitely needed in my life.

"I’ve been fine, thank you Sue. It was a shock but coming home has really helped me."

"Good, good. Do make sure you come and visit me sometimes Rosie. I do miss your warm smile on a cold day." I grinned at her remark and felt much better for it. Coming to the end of the road, I tried to recall which way it was to Josh's, turning left on a spur of the moment decision.

"Now, Rosie, I have to let you know something. And I'm not sure you should know but me and Harry, we agreed, it's only right."

I took a breath, the cold air tightening my throat, "Okay?"

"We saw Taylor's new girlfriend yesterday. She tried to chat to me but he voice frustrated me so I didn't really talk back much," she paused, laughing as I did the same, "The thing is, Rosie. She was, um, she was wearing a ring," my stomach sunk, "on her engagement finger. She's moving in to your house as we speak."

"Wh-what? She can't be. That's my house! I decorated it. I'm still paying mortgage. I got the locks changed and the keys sent to me."

"Mmhmm, disgraceful it is. No shame, he has. No shame at all."

I looked around at my surroundings. It was dark, but I could still see I was in the complete wrong place. Josh's street had to just about the only street I wasn't sure of in Weybridge. Right now I was at the gate to the National Trust Park. I sat down on one of the benches, my stomach tight and my eyes watering. My arms were covered in goose bumps and my breath kept getting caught in my cold and dry throat.

"He can't do that to me, Mrs. Gillingham. It's barely been three months. He can't do this."

"I know, sweetheart, I know. If it helps, we’re going to completely ostracise him from the community. He's an outcast to us now. No more chicken stew for him when he’s got the flu!"

I laughed slightly, but it came out as more of a sob.

"I’m so sorry love. I hate to be the one to tell you."

"It's fine, honestly. It'll help in the long run." I could hear her breath a sigh of relief that she had done the right thing as she gave a noise of approval. We said our goodbyes and I hung up just as I heard her saying, "That girl is a sweetheart, Harry, I’m telling you." I smiled, and felt slightly warmer inside because of it.

I needed help. I was sat in the cold, in the dark, on my own. Tears were blurring my vision and I was really sure where I was heading. I had walked out with the intention to go and see Josh, but now I felt bad. Technically, I was in a relationship. Surely today had set that more in stone than it already was before, even if the officials words hadn’t been mentioned. So I scrolled down back up my contacts list slightly, moving my finger from Josh’s name to Hayden’s.

It took four rings before he answered, “Hello love,” I smiled. His voice had a way of cheering me up, “What’s up?”

“Nothing much, I just fancied a chat, I guess.”

“Oh. Well, listen love, I’m at home right now,” he paused, as if I was supposed to get it.

I frowned, “Okay?”

“Well, can we talk about this another time, maybe? How does lunchtime tomorrow sound?”

The frown was still plastered to my face, “Why can’t we talk now?”

I heard him sigh- it was the kind of noise he made when he was rolling his eyes, “Tomorrow’s not good for you?”

“Tomorrow’s fine- I’m just-“

“Okay, well I’ll speak to you then. Bye.” I heard the dial tone ringing in my ears. He had hung up without even waiting for a goodbye. My features softened as tears started to roll down my cheeks. Was I pushing Hayden away already? Today had been a disaster, sure, but it wasn’t going to be like that all the time. The fact that he didn’t even want to talk to me threw me completely.

I tapped Josh’s name in my contacts, and waited for him to pick up. The phone rang out, going straight to his answer phone. I listened to him speaking all the way through, ready to leave a message, planning what I was going to say in my mind, but the beep crept up on me and before I knew it I was stuttering into the phone, “Hi, Josh, it’s me. Rosie, that is. I was just. Oh god, I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m ringing. I should have just phoned you first and now I’m completely lost and I don’t even know how I got here,” I sniffled, the cold making my nose run and my ears burn. I flattened my palm to the ear that wasn’t pressed against the phone but it did little to help as my hands were just as freezing, “I just wanted to say I’m sorry, for today, for everything. For whatever I did to upset you. I’m so sorry-“

“Rosie?”

Shit. He had been listening to the whole thing.

“Oh god, I’m so sorry. I forgot you would actually hear all that. My mind just went blank and I can’t even think straight and-“

“Where are you?” he mumbled, his voice soft in comparison to my own whining voice.

“I don’t know,” I sniffed again, rubbing my cheeks and my nose with the bottom of my t-shirt, which was a mistake because the cold flew over my torso too quickly for me to really react.

“Well, can you give me a clue?” He laughed. I smiled at the sound- his laugh was always quite contagious, sort of goofy in a way.

I looked back at the gate behind me, “I’m by the National Trust Park.”

“Is that the one that’s about a two minute walk away from my house?” He laughed again, which only made me sniffle more, “Oh Rosie, I don’t mean it in a horrible way. I’ll come find you now.” He hung up the phone, and I put it back into my pocket quickly. Wiping away the tears with the back of my hand, I sniffed strongly to try and clear my nose properly. I pulled my knees up to my chest and tucked my arm in the gap between my legs and stomach to try and warm them up a little.

Within what seemed like thirty seconds, Josh appeared from down the street. He gave me a small and slightly hesitant wave, and I stood up as soon as he did so, just kind of standing there. He opened his arms as he walked towards me and it took every bit of strength in me to not run towards him. I collided with his chest, keeping my arms between us to try and warm them up a little. He rubbed his hands up and down my arms as I held on to his button up shirt and cried. Wrapping one arm around my back, the other moved up to my neck, stroking the back of it softly, “Its okay, Rosie. I’m here.” I merely nodded. I said nothing as he took off his jacket, and took my hand, leading me back to his flat. It had literally been about two hundred yards down the road- now I just looked like an idiot.

He sat me down on the sofa, and moved to the kitchen to make me a hot chocolate. He let me sit there and cry all night, asking me if I needed to talk. I shook my head- words wouldn’t form in my head, let alone in my mouth, and I couldn’t even really expand on why I was sobbing so much. So he did all that he could do, and wrapped his arms around me until I fell asleep leant against him on his sofa.