This Turbulence is Beautiful.

I was used to spending the night sleeping rough from when I was younger, and had spent the night curled up with Josh’s hoodie draped over my knees in one of the storage sheds by the locks along the river. There was one that I used to favour, and it still had the spare sheets Matt had given me one time to take there under piles of mooring rope. I hadn’t slept well, but then I hardly did these days, and I had now been wondering around Weybridge for the best part of thirty minutes. I was so cold, I had long ago stopped feeling it, and the rain that was beginning to fall did nothing to change that- other than the fact that it irritated me because it was making my hair fall limply into my face. I wasn’t really sure where I was heading, and I didn’t really know why I had even gone out of the house. I could have just as easily pretended nothing happened, walked into the kitchen- pretended it was because Matt and Max were coming home or something, and just avoid all confrontation with Josh, or with the boys in general, because they would surely know what was going on. Max and Matt had walked in on Josh and I looking rather flustered, Josh with a bulge in his trousers that he was trying his best to hide, and me walking out in a panicked fashion.

That was exactly what it was. I panicked. I walked up to the river I had automatically headed to without even thinking about it consciously. I guess that my mind learned how to handle panic- the river had always been my destination whenever I needed a break. When I had lived in London I was so seemingly happy compared to now that I never felt I needed that break. Either that or my idea of a break then was sitting down and watching Jeremy Kyle- there was something soothing about other peoples’ problems.

Before I made my way to my usual and inevitable place, I decided I’d take a walk along the locks. It was always relaxing to see people drifting down the river in their canal boats, and people were always so friendly. My hands were plunged deep into the pockets of the hoodie I’d commandeered from Josh, although my legs were still cold from the work dress I had on. I was grateful for the tights around my legs, although they probably didn’t provide the best shelter from the bitter wind.

A young boy road passed me on his bicycle going faster than I would have imagined was possible for such a small child. His father followed behind him, going slightly slower, “Slow down, mate, you’re going to fall off in a minute.” I smiled at him as he passed me and rolled his eyes as dramatically as he could manage whilst trying to keep his eyes on the path.

For such a cold day, there seemed to be a lot of people around. I was taking my time on my walk today. I spent too much of my time rushing around- whether I was at work, out with my friends, shopping. Whatever I seemed to do, I couldn’t just take a deep breath and slow down.

The same could be said for my relationships. Okay, so Taylor and I hardly rushed into things seeing as we were possibly the last couple in the year to get physical. But even that was pressured. You couldn’t be sixteen and not of had sex- or so it felt. Really, I only even went that far with Taylor because I was happy to be with him for a long time.

It wasn’t the same with Hayden. He made me smile and he made me laugh and he made me feel good about myself, but I had said to myself that I wasn’t looking for a long term thing. Granted, I wouldn’t have minded if he turned out to be my Prince Charming that I’d been looking for ever since I was old enough to start reading romance novels, but if we didn’t work out- no big deal. The reason it got to me so much was because of the reason things ended.

So, after rushing straight into it with Hayden, I had mentally and subconsciously scorned myself. I had made such a huge mistake- and it made me look like the bad one. It made me look easy- something I wasn’t. I had only even been with two guys- these days, to have only slept with two people at nineteen just wasn’t normal. Maybe it was because in London, Millie and her friends, who were all in their mid twenties, used to say that nineteen was the age to be living it up. Being tied down to one person wasn’t all that. And how could I even know if Taylor was good in bed if I hadn’t been with anyone else?

Although with the way things were going for me now, I was starting to wonder if there was such a thing as ‘good in bed’.

And then, after all of this talk with myself as I was running around at work because I was rushed off my feet, I went and kissed Josh; more than just kissed Josh. How could I be so stupid? I looked more than easy now- I just looked like a slut. It didn’t even really click how things were moving before I had got all caught up in the moment- and if I hadn’t realised, who’s to know how far things would have gotten. We would have passed out under the covers, naked and happy for an hour or so, until we woke up and realised, shit, now things are just fucking awkward. I don’t know why I even kissed him in the first place. It might have even just been because I felt so hideous.

Okay, so I knew that wasn’t true. Things were different when I kissed him. It wasn’t full of romantic clichés that I read about all the time and almost grew to expect- there were no butterflies, or fireworks, and my heart didn’t stop for a second. My breathing slowed down, it didn’t speed up. It wasn’t perfect. Our teeth clashed a couple of times- I accidentally bit his lip- there was probably a bit too much saliva involved. But for one of the first times in my life, with all my make-out session “experience” (i.e. sunk into my seat on the bus ride home so fewer people could see me necking with Taylor, straddling Hayden’s lap in his posh car, and a few two-second-smooches when playing spin the bottle with boys I don’t remember), I didn’t have to think about what I was doing. It was just basic and raw, with a whole lot of pent up emotion that we both seemed to have hovering around us whenever we were together.

I was crossing the bridge that led to the field I used to love to sit in. My hands ran over the familiar wooden frame that stopped people from falling into the tributary of the river- it was newer than the actual bridge, and had only been put up because Matt had once fallen into the shallow section of water that the bridge stretched over and broken his arm. It felt familiar, even though I hadn’t been here in over four years, and the woodland surrounding the river had barely even changed, apart from the new abundance of nettles that were growing from the river banks. As I walked up to the familiar spot I’d been making my way to, I found Matt sitting, his back to me as he sat at the very edge of the bank, legs dangling over the side but not quite enough to reach the water- it had been too cold to rain recently and apart from the showers today, the river clearly hadn’t had a top up in a while.

“I knew you’d get here eventually, Rosie,” Matt turned to smile at me. I took of my shoes and padded over to sit next to him, crossing my legs instead of dangling them.

“I walked along the canal and stuff,” I added uselessly. He didn’t really need to know about my walk.

“Oh right. Were there many boats or anything about?” I shook my head, unsure of what to say. Matt and I never made small talk, so this felt more than awkward, “Are you alright, Rosie?” He tugged at my wrist to make me pull my hand from my pocket, and took it in his.

“Yep, I’m fine,” I smiled, looking at the river as we fell into silence again.

“I’m sorry if me and Max walked in on,” he cleared his throat and looked away from me and towards the water, “something earlier.” I looked at him, and he looked more to his left, trying to avoid eye contact.

“Oh god, Josh told you, didn’t he?” I blushed; pulling my hand from Matt’s to cover my face as best as I could.

Matt nodded, looking towards me with an amused smile on his face. He broke into laughter, “I’m sorry, Rosie. It’s just so funny.”

I looked up at him straight away, my eyes wide with shock, “What’s funny about this, Matt?” I exclaimed, alarmed.

“Max asked him what happened and he sat down and pretty much gave us a break down of your little session, all without taking a breath, and with no detail spared. It was like hearing about my little sister having sex- so incredibly awkward. He couldn’t stop apologising when he realised that he’d told us. Just sitting there, bright red, with a cushion sitting casually on his lap, he was.”

I put my head back into my hands, rubbing my eyes, “Oh god, I’m such an idiot.”

Matt stopped laughing for a second, his eyes watering from a mixture of his amusement and the cold, “Why are you an idiot? It’s no big deal. Bless you both- young and hormonal teenagers.”

I scoffed, “You’re only a few months older than me!”

“I’m twenty now, Rosie. My teenage-fumbling-on-the-sofa days are over.”

“It wasn’t fumbling!” I looked up at him again, a smirk plastered on his face, “That just makes me sound even worse!”

“Why is it such a bad thing anyway?”

“Because I look like a complete slut -and if you and Max know about it, there’s no way in hell it’ll stay hidden from the others. Once Dan knows, Chris knows. Once Chris knows, Lucy knows. Once Lucy knows, Charlie knows. It’s not going to stop. And then every time they look at me they’re going to be thinking about how much of a tart I am.”

Matt scooted over a little, moving closer to me and putting his arm around my shoulder. I leant my head against his shoulder, sniffling a little to clear my nose that was running due to the cold, and probably my emotional state.

“Oh, Rosie, no-one thinks you’re a tart.”

“Not yet they don’t.”

“What, you’re going to go home and bang Josh? We might think you’re a tart then. It depends if you’re as loud as Charlie and Dan were in the bedroom the other night. Even then, no-one called them out on that. You are nearly twenty, Rosie.”

“But Charlie and Dan are together. I wasn’t together with Hayden. I’m not together with Josh- and yet I still go crazy and practically throw myself at him. Poor guy,” I smiled softly, trying to lighten my own mood.

Unsuccessfully.

“Oh, hardly poor guy, Rosie- yes, isn’t Josh so hard done by: having a pretty lady like yourself cuddled up to him asleep; getting to sleep next to her for weeks and looking like a nice guy because of it; and then having a steamy make-out sesh’ with her when it’s all he’s been-“

I cut him off, “-he only did all of that because he felt bad for me.”

Matt smirked, scoffing over-dramatically, “You never did manage to grasp the obvious, love,” he shook his head softly, his stubble rubbing against the top of my head as he did so. His hand rubbed along the top of my arm, “Come on, we need to get you home. You’re going to catch your death out here, and you’ve got work tonight.”

I nodded, but neither of us made the effort to move.

“Can I ask you something, Rosie?” he mumbled into the top of my head. I nodded. “Do you still think about your dad?”

My eyes filled with tears in the same way they always did when I thought about him, but I blinked them away, “I try not to.”

“Josh and him would have got on like a house on fire, you know?”

I smiled, sniffling again and bringing my hand up to wipe my face. I didn’t answer with words because my mouth had dried up, but I nodded. I coughed slightly and licked my lips, “Will would have loved him and all.”

I felt Matt’s cheeks rise as he smiled, and laughed a little, “Will loved everyone and everything, so that wouldn’t have been hard.”

“He didn’t like mum.” As soon as I said it, I regretted it. The normal tears that appeared whenever I even thought about them weren’t as bad as usual- a smile had almost replaced the watery eyes and runny nose that came as standard. However, on thought of her, my eyes burnt with new tears that started running down my face straight away. I felt Matt’s face drop too, and pulled back from him. He had tears in his eyes as well, and his thumb moved to my cheeks to wipe mine away.

I fell against Matt as his arms wrapped around me, “I can never understand it, Matty. I’ve tried to think about it so many times, and I just can’t quite get there. She didn’t have to do that.”

Matt nodded, “I know she didn’t, love, but she couldn’t cope with it. She wasn’t like your dad- she couldn’t just talk it through. The fact that Will didn’t like her probably only made it worse.”

“But it wasn’t his fault. He didn’t even understand it; it wasn’t like he could tell her he didn’t like her, anyway. He just wasn’t the same around her. He didn’t smile around her or anything. I knew she didn’t like it, but I never knew how much it got to her. Not enough for her to-“

“-I know love.”

“But I’m like here, Matt. I don’t talk about things; I’m not like my dad. I lived with mum for three years before she got found out- before I told you. If I can keep something like that for three years, then I’m exactly the same as her. What if it gets worse when I’m older?”

“You wouldn’t do anything like that, sweetheart- you know you wouldn’t.”

I let out a heavy sob, taking a breath, “If you’d have asked her when she was twenty, she would have said the same thing. There’s no way she would have sat down with her best friend and been like, ‘you know what, when I’m thirty-two I’m going to have my second child. He’s going to be incredibly ill- I won’t cope- it won’t take much to push me over the edge. I’ll find a-'"

“-don’t, Rosie. Please don’t do this.”

I heard the pain in Matt’s voice, and hugged him tighter. We didn’t let go until Matt’s phone started ringing in his back pocket. He pulled away, wiped my face and then wiped his own, and answered the call.

“’Ello Josh, alright? – Yeah, I’m fine, don’t worry about it, - Yeah, I found her. We’re on our way back now, - Alright, bye.”

“Josh?” I questioned, although I clearly knew the answer. Matt nodded, rubbing his nose with his sleeve. He stood up and brushed his jeans off, and put out his hand to pull me up. I slipped on my shoes and we started to walk home, our hands clasped tightly.

“You don’t need to tell anyone about this, Rosie. Don’t feel compelled to tell anyone.”

I nodded, “I know. It doesn’t affect me as a person- or at least I try not to let it.”

“There’s no need to shut yourself off from it either,” Matt cut in, before I’d finished explaining. But he was right- I had completely cut myself off from it. I didn’t want any thoughts to float into my head casually; I didn’t want to be stuck thinking of how much my dad and brother would have loved my new friends; I didn’t want to sit, wishing that someday I could show my father his grandchildren, and show Will his nieces and nephews. It made me sick to think that she had taken that from me- why would I want to feel like this on a daily basis?



As soon as I walked in the door, I tried to sneak upstairs. Unsuccessfully, because Matt walked in to the kitchen like nothing was wrong- which meant everyone knew I was home anyway. I still managed to get upstairs and shut my door before someone had galloped up the stairs and knocked on it. I flopped onto my bed with a sigh and told the person to come in. Max walked through the door, a grin on his face like usual. Except this one was filled with 'knowledge'.

"Alright, love?" he asked, smirking plenty to go along with it. I nodded, rubbing my eyes wearily.

"Sorry we walked in on you earlier," he smiled, clearly not sorry in the slightest. He was still grinning cheekily, "Josh was going to come see if you were okay but he thought you might have been a bit off with him. What, with all your heavy petting earlier."

I rolled my eyes, poking Max as he jumped onto the bed beside me, "How about we don't mention that?"

"How about, too late, Josh has already mentioned that in way more detail than we needed?" He asked it in a questioning tone to mimic mine but it obviously wasn't a question I had to answer.

"What did he exactly say?"

Max looked at me, smirking more than before and letting out a small laugh, "Basically, that he'd kissed you, and it went a bit further than he expected. A couple of secrets for you: apparently, he loved it when you wrapped your leg around him, tugged on his hair, and moaned his name. He went on for a bit about how if you hadn't of run out, he wouldn't have been able to stop himself and you guys would have ended up practically dry humping on the sofa."

I blushed furiously at the last bit, although I was already embarrassed with myself from the fact that Josh had mentioned the sluttiest sounding things that I did. At least the ending sort of cushioned it a little. Max laughed at my red cheeks and wide eyes, "There's no need to look so scared, love. If it helps, he didn't really mean to say any of that. He's normally pretty good at holding himself back when he's talking. Matt and I were just stood there, completely shocked, whilst he sat on the sofa trying to hide his boner."

I slapped Max on the arm and groaned, "Don't say stuff like that!"

Max laughed again, "Why? Does it get you off that Josh got all excited about you?"

I felt myself going even more beetroot red and lightly slapped Max again, "No! That's not what I meant!"

"I know Rosie, I was only playing," he rubbed his arm, smiling to show he was joking, "Anyway, how come you just ran off? Josh was like a bloody wreck, trying to think of what he'd done wrong- especially when you stayed out all bloody night."

"It's not his fault," I sighed, immediately feeling guilty. Now my stupid inability to talk about anything had inadvertently already begun to take effect. I closed my eyes and bit my lip, fighting to hold back from telling this to Max.

"Well he doesn't think of it like that, you know. He's had a proper rough run with girls. Last one wrecked him- you'll learn all about it when you hear the new album. Apart from a couple of songs, the whole thing is pretty much about her."

"Is that why he didn't want me to hear that song the other day? 'Cause it's about her?"

Max thought for a second, trying to recall the song and lyrics, "No, I don't reckon that ones about her..." he trailed off, seemingly unsure of what to say, "Anyway, the point is, up until now he's been having a tough time getting over things. I guess he's still trying to get over it now- trust issues and all that. And he still blames himself for what happened with her."

"What did happen with her?"

"She cheated on him," he added quietly, "When you were telling us about Taylor and I said 'it happens to the best of us'- I said it so Josh didn't have to."

I nodded, unsure of what to say. If he was still struggling to get over her, did that mean I was merely a pawn in that game? I closed my eyes again, feeling suddenly knackered.

"Anyway, you've got work in about twenty minutes. Want me to walk you?"

In my head, I practically shouted, "Why can't Josh walk me?" but obviously I was still struggling with being able to vent my feelings, so I merely shrugged. Max nodded and walked out of the room, closing the door behind him. I stayed lying on my bed for another ten minutes, when really I should have been fixing my hair and streaked make-up. I just couldn't handle all this drama, especially not on top of my conversation with Matt today. After eventually dragging myself off of the bed and wondering around to try and get dressed without falling asleep, I attempted to head downstairs. I headed towards the kitchen to see if I could get a lift off someone. I really didn't feel up to walking.

Before I could even get there, I felt my head throb suddenly and unexpectedly, "Shit," I mumbled out loud.

Someone called my name from the kitchen but I couldn't reply. Before I could get a grip on something and keep myself standing, my knees buckled as a shot of pain surged through my legs and I collapsed to the floor, my eyes falling closed without me realising. I felt someone shaking my shoulder and calling my name, but I couldn't open my eyes. Flickers of light danced around on my eyelids before I settled in to slumber.