This Turbulence is Beautiful.

I awoke the next morning with a killer headache- and when I said morning, I actually meant afternoon; it was just gone midday. I sat up in bed and pushed myself out of it, my foot getting tangled in Josh's jeans from the night before. I walked to my wardrobe, avoiding looking in the mirror just yet. Pulling out a fresh t-shirt, I put on some deodorant and pulled the new shirt over my head. Closing the door of the wardrobe before pulling down my shorts, I decided I had best face the horror of the mirror- although I never thought it would be as bad as it was. My mascara was half way down my cheeks, which were red and blotchy. My eyes followed suit; they were pink and puffy around the edges. My hair could only be described as hell, as it carried last nights hair spray, which only held it in its matted state. I wondered how Josh had felt waking up next to that.

I faffed around with my hair, eventually managing to scrap it into a pony tail and then walked to the bathroom and scrubbed my face as best as I could, wiping the gunk from my face. I tried to smile at myself in the mirror but it didn't quite work- I couldn't keep a smile that didn't want to be there.
After finishing getting "dressed"- which consisted of a change of underwear and replacing the same shorts I wore to bed- I forced myself to go downstairs. As much as I didn't want to face the boys that I could hear talking in the kitchen, I needed a cup of tea and a couple of paracetamol desperately.
As I padded downstairs, I overheard snippets of the boys’ conversation:

"I'm telling you Matt, she was definitely crying," I heard Josh say, his voice rising slightly; "I didn't want to say anything because I figured if she wanted to talk to me she would."

Matt sighed, "Girls don't work like that Josh. If you could heard her crying, she wanted you to know. You could have just gone into her room and asked her."

"I didn't bloody hear her, that’s the thing. She was trying to keep quiet as desperately as she could," I held my breath, trying to keep still and quiet so the boys wouldn't know what I was doing. I felt horrible listening to their conversation but I was in a mixed state of being severely miserable and therefore feeling I had some divine right, and just feeling genuinely nosy.

Karma always comes around at the wrong time though, really- I heard a flush from the bathroom and Max started coming down the stairs as Matt and Josh continued on their conversation. I started walking through to the kitchen, and was met with an uncomfortable silence before Matt broke it.

"Hey Rosie, you feeling okay?" he asked, concern flashing across his face before he regained his composure. I smiled at him briefly, and nodded with a small laugh.

"Yes, just extremely tired. I don't sit well with late night work," I smiled at Josh as he flicked the switch on the kettle for me, as he laughed meekly as my stupid attempt at a joke. Dan leapt up, popping some bread into the toaster, whilst I sorted out the tea, "Do you guys have any headache tablets?"

Dan laughed, pointing at Josh, "Franceschi always does, because he's a girl and can't sit out his hangovers like the best of us."

Josh simply laughed, embarrassed but trying to cover it like he normally did. He headed upstairs without a word, and came back down 30 seconds later with a box of paracetamol. I thanked him with a silent nod and smile, as he looked at me shyly, quickly turning his gaze away- something that didn't get lost on Matt as he looked at me with a raised eyebrow and slight frown. I shook my head, and quickly dry swallowed the tablets in my palm.

"Not being funny," Max cut in, grinning cheekily, "But I'm never one to avoid an elephant in the room, so I'm just going to go ahead and say this... Rosie, you look like ass, darlin'."

I let out a sharp, short laugh, "Ha, thanks Max. That’s just a brilliant way to make me feel a whole lot better. Honestly guys,” I added, noticing their looks, “I’m fine, just tired. I didn’t get too much sleep last night, that’s all,” I looked at Matt, “You know what I’m like when I’m overtired.” I smiled, trying to ease the tension as the boys all looked at me.

“Yes Rosie, when you’re overtired, you get hyper as hell. You don’t stay up all night crying your bloody eyes out.” I merely looked at the floor at this remark- I really wasn’t feeling up to talking about this right now, especially not when I had work in less than 3 hours. Matt sensed that I didn’t want to talk right now and let me leave the kitchen. I’m pretty sure they carried on their conversation from before I walked in, but I shut myself off and went to have a shower. As down as I felt right now, I wasn’t going to let Taylor beat me; I could do better than that. I could do better than him.



After showering and managing to tame my hair for long enough to blow dry and straighten it, I got dressed without Max’s help- it was probably bad that I was proud of that fact- and went downstairs half an hour before I had to leave. I sat down with the boys, who were munching too much pizza and drinking too much beer, watching some television that I didn’t care for. As I went to leave, they all wished me good luck, as if I was their child heading to school for the first time; it was kind of sweet in a beyond patronizing way. Josh told me to text him when I was done, which I agreed to. I gave them a small wave before heading out of the front door.

When I got to work and looked at the bookings diary, I was pleasantly surprised. Compared to yesterday’s hectic bookings and manic amount of walk-in customers, there were only three tables booked tonight- two tables for two and one table for three. It was set to be a quiet night, I could tell that from the start. The bar was pretty much empty apart from a few people who were chatting to the owner animatedly, so I assumed they had been here before.

“Rosie, could you come and take Charlie’s food order whilst I restock the back room. I may as well get it done now whilst it’s quiet,” John asked me, heading into the backroom without waiting on me to answer. I put down the wine glass that I was polishing and grabbed my pen and pad from my pocket.

“So, who wanted to order food?” I smiled as politely as I could.

An old man raised his hand slightly, his eyes creasing softly as he smiled, “That would be me, love. John always insists on me getting a meal most evenings I’m here.”

I laughed- this must have been the old gentleman John was telling me about earlier, who came in most evenings, except Tuesday’s and some other random days when he visited his wife in hospital. His wife, Maria, was in a pretty deep self-induced coma and occasionally put onto life support, and he visited her every week to put fresh flowers in the vase next to her bed, just in case she awoke by what John had called, “a miracle.”

I took his order and walked out to the kitchen to let the chef know. He asked if it was Charlie’s order, and when I replied he put on two portions of chips to go along side the meal. It was nice to know that there was still decency in the world- something that certainly boosted my mood incredibly. I spent most of the evening chatting to Charlie, who told me countless stories about his wife and him, whilst struggling through his colossal meal. It sincerely warmed my heart a great deal- a fact that made him flash a proud grin once I’d told him so.



Since I had been at the bar serving drinks and finishing John’s meagre attempt at cleaning behind the bar that evening, I hadn’t actually done much waitressing, but once most of the regulars had cleared it was left to me to take desserts out to the customers that were seated.

I grabbed the two plates from the kitchen- one of which was a slab of chocolate cake that made my stomach rumble just from looking at it. Fighting back every temptation in my body to take a not-so-sneaky bite from it, I walked over to the table to give these incredibly lucky people their desserts.

As soon as I saw the couple, my hands started shaking- I could tell, even from behind the couple, that the man with his back to me was Taylor. Fighting every reflex I had to drop the plates, I carried on walking to the table slowly.

“Rosie, John, bring the plates back,” I heard the chef shout from the kitchen. Swiftly turning on my heel and practically jogging back, I placed the plates on the counter, whilst the chef went about changing whatever was wrong with the cheesecake. John came into the kitchen carrying the other two plates he had taken out.

“You okay Rosie? You look really pale,” He looked worried, but I just nodded my head with a forced smile.

Jamie, the chef, looked up from cutting the fresh slices of cheesecake, “You really don’t look good, love.”

A million thoughts rushed through my head. Firstly, why the hell was Taylor here in the first place, and who was he with? Secondly, how should I react to him in this situation? And then, there was the thought that required attention now- should I tell my boss and colleague?

“Umm,” I bit my lip, “actually, the table for two- the chocolate cake and cheesecake people. The man is my fiancé,” I mentally slapped myself, “ex-fiancé.”
They both looked at me expectantly, as I shook my head, “I’m fine. I just haven’t seen him in a while. It’s just a bit of a shock,” I mumbled. I wasn’t sure who I was trying to convince, because I wasn’t convincing them- and I wasn’t doing a great job with myself either. I smiled, “Who is he here with anyway?”
John looked at Jamie, who merely shook his head before looking down at the cake he was plating up.

“It’s just some blonde bird. She looks like a bit of a tart, to be honest,” John trailed off. I admired his honesty, even though it cut like a knife in reality. I smiled and nodded, grabbing the cheesecake and chocolate truffle cake Jamie had placed back onto the counter.

Jamie smiled at me as I took the plates, “Pretend like you don’t even know who he is; that’s what I did with my ex-wife whenever I saw her. If he speaks to you, just smile as if he’s a customer you’ve never seen before in your life. Be overly polite.”

John nodded, picking up his plates, “Either that, or dump that cake on his lap.”



“So, who ordered the chocolate cake?” I asked the couple sitting at the table for two. I looked down at them, a smile plastered across my face. Taylor looked up from playing with his napkin and looked at me, his face flashing with a smile.

“Rosie?”

I looked at him, smiling, “Was the cake yours, sir?” He frowned at me, looking at his partner- the woman that just so happened to be his secretary that I’d caught in my bed. She looked at me, and then back at him, her face flushing a deep shade of red.

“Umm, yes, it was,” I placed it down on his placemat, handing the woman her cheesecake. I wanted to push her face into the vanilla and Baileys mixture, but instead I smiled at her with as sickly of a smile as I could manage.

“I love what you’ve done to your hair,” I grinned at her.

She stuttered, trying to force out a ‘thank you’, but I backed away from the table with a short, “enjoy your meal,” and turned around, breathing a sigh of relief as I made my way back to the bar.

John smiled at me, “You did a great job, darling. You can get off now if you like, it’s dead in here.”

I nodded, my smile faltering slightly. I grabbed my bag from the back room and walked round the front, pulling on my jacket. I tapped a short message out to Josh telling him I was finished, and, after saying goodbye to Charlie and John, waited in the lobby. I had an internal battle with myself when faced with the cigarette machine on the wall, but Josh tuned up before I’d really thought about it, a smile plastered across his face as he held the door open for me.

“How was work?” he asked brightly. I had to say, I could always rely on Josh’s consistent good mood to boost mine. There never seemed to be a moment where he wasn’t cheerful; or at least, I was yet to see one.

“It was okay, thank you,” I smiled, still feeling a bubbling in my stomach from my pathetic showdown with Taylor and his mistress. I felt a sudden frantic tap on my shoulder, and turned around to see Taylor’s girl standing, her left hand clasping her right elbow and a worried expression on her face. She looked at me, doe-eyed, the touch of make up on her eyelids opening her eyes up more and more. Josh looked at between us, and went and sat down on the tables to wait for us to finish talking, clearly sensing the atmosphere that was suddenly very apparent.

“Hey, listen, I don’t want to hear any crap,” I started, already confused as to why she was here, “I don’t care about you and Taylor, I really could not care less.” I decided if I made it clear that I didn’t really want to talk about this, she might leave.

But then I never really did have a way with words, and clearly these words didn’t work particularly well this time round.

“I just wanted to say, I’m really sorry for what happened. I really didn’t know-“

I rolled my eyes and cut her off, “What, didn’t know that he had a fiancé? My shit was all the way through that house. He had an engagement ring, for god’s sake. Did you not take that into consideration?”

Her eyes misted up, but she swallowed the lump in her throat and blinked hard to clear them, “Actually, no. He never wore an engagement ring around me, not that I had seen anyway,” she sounded angry, but she quickly composed herself, “I’m not here to bullshit you, I swear Rosie. I just wanted to say, I’m really, really fucking sorry. I knew about you, but I didn’t know what you were like, and I just assumed the worst I guess. I wasn’t expecting you to be so…” she bit her lip, “sweet looking.”

I nodded, stunned. I didn’t really know what to say. In my mind, I wanted her to be a complete bitch, but she just- wasn’t.

I could still hate her though.

“I understand that you don’t want to talk to Taylor and I, and I don’t blame you. I’m not expecting us to be friends, I’m not stupid. I just wanted to say that I’m sorry for hurting you, because Taylor won’t be man enough to say anything like that,” she smiled wistfully.

Josh wondered over, looking through the window of the restaurant and then looking at me, “Hey, Rosie- sorry to interrupt. Isn’t that your ex in there?”
My head snapped towards Josh, my eyes suddenly feeling very heavy. I looked back at Taylor’s girlfriend- good Lord, that hurt to think- and she gave me a small nod and wave goodbye, turning around and heading back inside.

I turned to Josh, and we started walking away from the restaurant. He kept looking at me every few steps, and finally I heard him breath in a little to start a conversation, “So, who was that lady?”

“It doesn’t really matter, Josh. I don’t really know her,” I sighed as he pushed open the door to the house, holding it open for me once more.

“That was Taylor inside though, right?” He questioned, looking at me carefully to gauge my reaction to his statement. Matt sat up on the sofa, looking over at Josh and I.

“Taylor was where?” he asked, looking at Josh.

I sighed again, a slight amusement in it this time- these boys were so protective and I’d only known most of them for a couple of weeks, “He was just in the restaurant, it was no big deal.”

Josh persisted, asking who the girl was again.

“She was the girl he got with, they were out to dinner together,” I rolled my eyes, walking into the kitchen to grab a bag of Malteasers I had bought earlier to save for tonight. Popping one into my mouth, and one into Josh’s outstretched hand, I plonked myself onto the arm rest of the sofa next to Matt. He rubbed my knee slightly, just like he used to when I was younger and upset about something- except there was one difference. I didn’t feel upset at all.

My phone buzzed in my pocket, and I unlocked it to find a text from my boss:

_________Rosie, that guy you were on about asked for your number when he paid. Just so you know, I told him no way in hell. He looked miserable as fuck when they left. Like, extremely down. Charlie said his girlfriend told him to smile and he told her to fuck off. He is such a gentleman. How did you ever end up with him?
__________________From: John, Work.

I smiled. I knew it, I could sense that he was moody as soon as I walked up to the table; the way he was playing with his napkin and folding it again and again was a tick he had, he would always become almost obsessive compulsive when he was moody. Quite frankly, I felt sorry for his girl if she had to put up with that all night. When he was like that, I would just leave the house and come back once I thought he’d of gotten over whatever was pissing him off. I knew how to handle him- she wouldn’t have a clue.

I smirked to myself, as I felt Josh reading the message over my shoulder. I handed him the phone, and he read it and laughed. Matt asked to see, and he laughed as well.

“Well then, I guess he’s down and he’s out,” Josh said in an extremely overdramatic way.

Matt looked just as amused, “He always was a moody dick; I never knew what you saw in him, Rosie.”

I just smiled to myself, reading the message one more time before saying goodnight to the boys and heading upstairs. Stripping down, I got ready for bed and for a good nights sleep. I was winning this game. Taylor wanted to speak to me- he wanted my number. But I didn’t want to speak to him, and I didn’t have to. He was unhappy with his new life, and rightly so. I don’t know how I ever blamed myself for this mess.

Just as I was drifting off to sleep, I heard my bedroom door creak open, revealing Matt standing at the door. He came in, shutting the door behind him, as I propped myself on my elbows, looking at him.

“What were you upset about last night, Rosie?” He looked at me intensely; his way of letting me know he wasn’t going to let this one slide.

I shook my head, “It was nothing really, Matty. I just overreacted about-“ I cut myself off. I couldn’t really tell Matt that I’d overreacted about Josh being half naked in my bed, “about something stupid. And then once I’d started I couldn’t stop. It was like a river had burst its banks,” I laughed, trying to joke. It seemed to work as a grin flickered on Matt’s face as he nodded.

“How did Josh know you were crying anyway? Did you go see him?” He cocked an eyebrow at me questioningly.

I bit the inside of my lip carefully, thinking my answer through, “No, he was in here.”

Matt frowned, “In where? He was in your room?”

I nodded; smiling to make it look like it was no big deal. This was the wrong move to make- I instantly regretted it as Matt raised what can only be described as a suggestive eyebrow.

“You’ve got a nice little smile for Joshy there, haven’t you?” he whispered, a childish edge to his voice as he poked me in the side.

I pushed his hand away, “Hush your mouth, it was nothing. He just asked to bunk in here because he didn’t want to take your skanky bed, with god-only-knows what kind of stains on it,” I poked my tongue out at him as he opened his mouth in feigned shock, covering it with his palm.

“Rosie, I don’t know what you think I get up to,” he whispered dramatically, “but there are no stains on my covers, thank you very much!”

I rolled my eyes, pushing him off my bed, “All that means is that you wank in the shower- I know you too well Matt. You can’t fool me, remember?”

He laughed, getting up and smoothing out his jeans, “I’m sure your bed won’t be free of stains for long, especially if Josh has his way.”

I sat up like a bolt, “Excuse me?” the pitch in my voice showed my shock, “and what is that supposed to mean, exactly?”

Matt smiled one of his “I’m-Matt-Barnes-And-I-Know-Everything” smirks, before leaving my room and shutting the door. I lay back down, snuggling under the covers again with a laugh to myself.

Today had already been interesting, even without Matt’s nocturnal visit. As Josh had said, Taylor was down, and he was out. He could do what he wanted, I was getting over it. Granted, it would always hurt when I thought about it, and I wasn’t sure if my trust for mankind, let alone men, would ever recover, but I could happily build up some walls to stop my trust being tested, and I would be fine. Taylor was stuck with that blonde woman who would probably, and hopefully, make him miserable- and that might be able settle the ache I seemed to have in my chest every time I thought of him.

Either way, he was gone. I was working and temporarily living in Weybridge, with my best friend, and making new friends that I had a feeling would always be around. If they could help me through this, they could help me through anything.

I fell asleep with an overwhelming feeling of confidence that I’d never really felt before, and it was a mix of refreshing, comforting and confusing. I’m down, but I’m not out- and I’m on my way back up swiftly.