Meant to Be

September 2005

Brendon and the rest of Panic! had been gone for three months to work on their first album. Though a wonderful experience, he was more than happy to be back in Vegas – home. Living with three other guys in a one bedroom apartment with hardly an ounce of privacy, was more difficult than he could imagine.

He smiled as he stood in front of his home. His parents had finally allowed him back after realizing how important the band was to him and how much potential it had to become successful – and he also had some help from his sister, Kara, who did some convincing.

“I’m home! You’re wonderful little Mormon boy is back,” he yelled as he entered the house. Complete silence was all that welcomed him. “Mom? Dad?” he yelled when no one responded to him.

He frowned, expecting someone to be home when he arrived. “Well this sucks,” he said to the empty living room as he dragged himself up the stairs to go to his room.

He dropped his belongings on the floor and belly flopped on his soft bed. He dug his face into his pillow, inhaling the smell he missed for months, then turned his head towards his nightstand and noticed the picture he never got rid of. It was him and Olivia the day they graduated. They both looked so happy and in love. He smiled at it, knowing he was still in love with her and how foolish he was to let her go, but today he was going to fix that.

Brendon slowly got off his bed and headed down the stairs. Just as he reached the last step, the front door opened and his sister Kara came in. She noticed him standing there and broke into a huge smile.

Kara walked up to him and gave him a hug, “Brendon you’re back! It’s so good to see you little brother,” she said.

“I’m only back for a couple of weeks, but I’ll take what I can get.”

“Mom and dad should be home in a bit. They went to go buy barbeque stuff to make for your coming home, but we didn’t think you’d get here so soon,” Kara said after they broke the hug.

“Awesome. I gotta go see someone right now anyways,” Brendon said taking a few steps towards the door.

“Go see who?” she asked curiously.

“Who else? Olivia,” he said smiling.

“You won’t find her there,” Kara said quietly.

Brendon turned in her direction and raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean I won’t find her there? Where she at?”

“She went to Seattle. She went off to college.”

He shook his head. “She left?” Kara nodded. “She couldn’t have left though; she said she wasn’t going while she was pregnant, that she was staying here,” he rambled.

“Doesn’t that give you any indication of why she left?” Kara asked trying to get Brendon to realize what had happened.

He gave it some thought and when it struck him his eyes widened. “She’s not pregnant,” he whispered, horrified of the answer.

Kara nodded slowly. “She called me so we could talk and she told me she had lost it a few weeks after she found out she was pregnant,” she explained.

Brendon hadn’t realized there were tears in his eyes until he blinked and felt them run down his cheek. “Why didn’t she tell me?”

Kara shrugged her shoulders. “You were off making an album, living your dream. She said she didn’t want to ruin that experience for you with bad news. So I told her I’d tell you when you got back.”

She was gone and he would probably never see her again. After two weeks in Vegas, the band would be heading on tour and he wasn’t sure how long he’d be away. Brendon slumped down the wall and cradled his head in his hands. He wanted to make things right between them, wanted to tell her how wrong he was for breaking up with her, and wanted them (Olivia, him, and the baby) to be a family. But now that she was gone, it was all pointless.

“Brendon, I’m sorry. I-I really didn’t think you’d get so upset about it,” Kara said bending down next to him and placing a comforting grip on his shoulder.

“Me either.”



Spencer placed the cold bottle of beer in front of Brendon and took the seat across from his. He knew from the tone of Brendon’s voice it wasn’t going to be a pleasant visit or talk.

“So what’s going?” he finally asked.

Before he answered Brendon took a swig of his beer. “It’s Kayla.”

“Kayla? But I thought everything was going well with you two,” Spencer replied, surprised by this new information.

Brendon just shook his head. “She had a miscarriage today. I got a call from her and the hospital during recording and went there afterwards. I’ve been there since visiting hours were over.”

Spencer didn’t know how to take the news, especially when Brendon wasn’t being open about his emotions on the situation. So all he could say was, “I’m sorry man.”

“You know this isn’t the first time I’ve gotten this news,” Brendon said after sipping more of his beer.

Spencer almost chocked on his when he heard this. “What?”

“I never told you guys, but Olivia was pregnant when we left for Maryland and lost the baby a few weeks after she told me. The weird thing is, I cried when I found out,” he said staring at bottle in front of him.

“Why is that so weird?” Spencer asked.

Brendon looked into Spencer’s eyes. “Because this time I didn’t cry.”

Spencer nodded his head in that “Oh” like fashion and continued to take sips of his beer. “So what now?”

Brendon hadn’t really thought about what was to happen after all this. He shrugged. “I don’t know. The only reason we’re together right now was because of that baby, but how am I supposed to leave her now?” he asked hoping for some advice from his friend.

“Well if you’re not happy then the relationship won’t work. Did you give her any reason to believe that it would work regardless of the baby?”

Remembering a past discussion, Brendon nodded his head. “I told her I wanted to make it work, but I meant make it work for the baby. How did I get myself into this shit?”

“The only thing I have to say is that she needs you now, so be there for her, and see where that takes you two,” Spencer advised.

“Yeah, you’re right.” He took another swig. “Did I tell you I found out where Olivia is?”

Spencer raised his eyebrows. “You failed to mention that. When did you find out?”

“Today. After recording, but before the other news. Kara called and said she’s in Vegas. She’s in Vegas Spence; she’s so close,” Brendon said with gleam in his eyes.

Spencer shook his head in disapproval. “Brendon, I thought you were going to let her go for good? You know where she’s at and you said you’d have peace of mind if you knew at least that,” Spencer reminded him.

“No, I said if I knew if she was okay, but I don’t know that. Maybe if I could just go for a couple of days and see.”

“Brendon I’m sure if she’s in Vegas then she’s okay. Just let it go man.”

For Brendon, letting go was easier said than done.



“And so, here I am,” Olivia said finishing up her story to Travis.

Travis seemed at a loss for words. “I-I don’t even know what to say.”

Olivia laughed. “I’m sorry. Was that a lot to unload on you after barely catching up?”

“Uh…maybe a little, but that’s okay.” Olivia looked almost embarrassed for having spilt her guts to him. “So um…you and Brendon huh? I mean again.”

A corner of her lip curled up. “Pretty bizarre isn’t it?”

“You’re still in love with him aren’t you?” Travis asked, already knowing the answer.

Olivia looked up at him. “I don’t think I could ever not love him. It’s like no matter what, he’s somehow a part of my life. First his cousin and now this baby,” she said placing her hands on her stomach.

“So are you not going to tell him?”

She bit her bottom lip and shook her head. “I can’t. He’s already under so much pressure and I just don’t want to add on to it.”

“I see. And you’re just going to do this on your own?”

“I have help or I will, once I tell my dad and brother. My cousin knows and she’s willing to help too. But I really don’t want to rely on people too much. I got myself into this.”

“Well, you forgot one other person that’s willing to help you out,” Travis said taking her hand.

Olivia looked into his eyes and saw that he was smiling. “And who would that be?”

“Me,” he answered.

“You?” He nodded. “But why? You don’t owe me anything, especially after five years of not talking to each other,” she said flabbergasted he offered to help.

“You were the only person who was ever nice to me in high school. You just had this kindness that no one ever showed me. I just wanna be there for you and this baby if you’ll let me.”

Olivia wasn’t sure if it was her hormones or the compassion in Travis’s voice that was making her cry, but either way she couldn’t help herself. “Thank you,” she said pulling him into a hug.

“I’ll always be here for you. I’ll be the best friend you need,” he whispered, knowing that was all he could be to her, because she was in love with another man.