Someday

“We deal with it then. I don’t know.” He sighed, sitting up straight.
“Well, I need to know. I need to know if this is a bad idea. All I have done since last January when I asked you to Sadie’s was screw up, one time after another. I screwed up so many times, in asking, in giving you a Valentine, in writing that letter, in agreeing and wanting to walk that day, in ever letting myself fall for you, in letting myself fall in love with you and then not tell you.” I dropped my head onto my chest and sighed.
“Riah,” he whispered as his finger drug my face up to look at him. “Riah, this isn’t what I’m supposed to say, but if you had told me you loved me when I asked why I should stay, I would have stayed. But you didn’t say it, and I didn’t believe it.” His fingers stroked my face as he talked. I pushed it away when there was a break in his speech.
“I did say it. I just whispered it in your ear when you gave me that final hug, whispered it so quietly you couldn’t hear it. I did say it though. I would have said it so you could hear it, but I thought you didn’t want to hear it. So I didn’t say it, word for word at least. I still said it. Every time I held your hand, every time I was honest with you, every time I gave you a hug and didn’t want to let go, every time I let myself get comfortable with you, every time I let you read a poem. Every time I did anything with you or for you.”
“And I was dense. Still am. If you don’t say it plainly I won’t get it.”
“It was in plain English. I know you’re a logical person, and if you were looking for it, you would have seen it. You said yourself that the day at the park and the picture Annabeth took was the moment you were the happiest, our faces said it. I still get that face when I’m with you or thinking about you. I can’t get away from it. And I don’t want it to go away.”
“I don’t either.” He sighed and hugged me. After a few seconds he pulled away a little. I looked up at him and tipped my head to one side. “How does this make sense? You’ve been texting me since May when I said goodbye that you miss me and nothing will be the same. You’ve been saying for months that you think it was a mistake. And now I’m agreeing with you and you won’t let it happen. What’s up, Riah?”
I sighed before answering, “I don’t know. All of sudden it feels off. Not wrong, just off. I really don’t know how to explain it. But now it seems like there’s something between us we aren’t going to be able to get rid of.”
“I know. But we’ll get through it. I promise.”
“How? What happens when I’m in North Dakota next year and you’re at school, 12 hours away? What happens if I meet someone who makes me happy? They’d be closer, easier to talk to.”
“That won’t happen. I know you too well. You aren’t gonna forget me, and I won’t forget you. That ring isn’t for nothing.”
“I know, but—“
“No buts. You complained for months about missing me. And not just to me. Annie said you complained to just about everyone about it. And it hurt like hell to know that you missed me like that. And I couldn’t do anything about it then. And you fought for it. You fought for it for the last week the week we were together. You fought for it excessively the night I said goodbye. You’ve been fighting since then. I’ve finally said what you wanted me to. What I wanted to. What’s your issue with this now? It wasn’t a week ago you said you missed me more than you’ve ever missed anyone or anything. You can never get me out of your head. What’s the problem?”
“I think that is. I’ve always been the one fighting. I fought for it to start, and to continue, and then to not end. I’ve been fighting for it since there was a hint of it starting. And you never thought to fight for anything did you?”
“I did, but you did such a good job of it, that there wasn’t much left to fight for.”
“Yes there was. I was constantly fighting you, fighting with you or for you, and you apparently noticed, but you never thought to fight back. You never thought once to fight for me!” I shook my head and stood up, wanting to fall over after I realized my left leg was asleep. I ignored the stinging in my foot and walked away. I didn’t want to argue or fight with him anymore. I needed time to think about everything.
He’s right. I know he is. But I can’t let him go through with this. There’s too much going on, too much likely to go wrong. I laid down under the tree from the picture taken back in April. I glanced up through my eyelashes to see Aaron still sitting on the bench by the water. I sighed and looked up into the branches of the tree, picturing him perched there. As well as he knows me, he doesn’t realize that right now is his chance to make it right. Now is his chance to fight. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying to let the negative energy out. He cares. I know he does. That’s all he’s said since he got home. And I believe him. Mostly. But I can’t let myself do this. I’m too likely to get hurt again. And I can’t go through that again. I jerked when I felt heat and electricity flow though my hand.
“Riah, I love you. This is me fighting. I made the mistake of not fighting then, and I’m trying to make up for it now. I’m fighting. And I don’t know how else to do this. I want this, I want you. I can’t lose you again. Please.” I looked up when I heard his voice catch in his throat. I squinted through the darkness at him and sat up.
“Aaron, listen to me.” I paused until he looked at me. “Aaron, you mean everything to me. And I can’t go through losing you again. I wouldn’t survive it again. It was hard enough the first time before you knew everything. You still don’t know everything, but you’re closer. You know the stuff I told myself I’d never tell you. But I can’t do it again. Losing you would be too bad.”
“You won’t lose me again. I promise. Because I can’t lose you either. You matter too much to me for me to be able to let go. It hurt so much the first time, I was so attached to you. I don’t even know how I let go the first time. It hurt so bad, and the fact that I did will always haunt me. It will always be my fault for the pain that we both felt. And don’t say it’s not. I chose to let go. I hurt you. I’m the only one to blame, so don’t blame yourself.”
“I want to believe. I want to believe you with all of me, and maybe it is that you said goodbye in May.” I sighed.
“Then believe me. I’m not going to lie to you. And I’m sorry for saying goodbye. You said yourself that we’ve been texting so much recently that we were two steps away from being happy. Those steps were…” He trailed off and held his hand out for me to continue. I sighed in reluctance before answering, knowing he had caught me in my own words.
“You had to say you cared and that you wanted us to forget that we said goodbye.”
“Exactly. I’ve said I care in as many ways as I can, and I’ve expressed how much I want to forget goodbye. So what’s left? You’ve said that when I said goodbye and left, I was the one who had to come back because you had never left. What happened?” I hung my head, knowing he had again trapped me. He lifted my face to look at him and I sighed.
“I’m scared. I never thought you’d come back. It didn’t seem like you to change your mind and come back. And all of a sudden I got scared. I don’t know why, but I did.”
“I’m here; I’m not going anywhere this time. I promise. I’ve broken promises before, but this one I won’t. I can’t break this one.” He pulled me against himself and wrapped his arms around me. I smiled weakly, giving in to the feeling.
“Ok. I’ll believe you.”I whispered. We sat in silence for a moment before I jumped when my phone vibrated. I pulled it out of my pocket to see what was happening.
“Is it time for curfew?” He asked, looking at the light up screen on his watch and sighing when he realized it was. He stood up and held his hand out to me. We walked home in silence, stopping outside of my house. He pulled me into a hug and held me for a moment.
“I don’t wanna let go.” I whined gently into his ear, pulling just a little harder to keep him with me.
“I don’t either.” He squeezed back and I smiled broadly. “Good night, Riah.” He whispered, pulling back.
“Night night, Aaron.” I went to kiss him but he pulled away completely. I sent him a questioning look under the streetlight. He motioned back gently to my house. I looked back quickly and saw my dad’s face poking out from the curtain in the door window. I nodded back to Aaron and waved before turning and going inside reluctantly, not wanting the inquisition that would follow my opening the door.