Bitter Sweet Symphony

I can’t change my mold
No, no, no, no, no

~~~~~

“Jimmy I couldn’t have said it better myself”

Brian threw a glare at Jimmy then looked back at me.

I don’t know what I saw in his eyes but I had to look before. I couldn’t take the emotions flaming inside of me. It was taking a lot just to not tackle him right then and there and have him…oh great it’s been 7 years since I’ve had any contact with a man and I’m ready to jump the first guy I have feelings for.

Just Great

Brianna pulled back from Brian with a smile on her face.

“So I didn’t do anything wrong?”

Brian looked at me and I saw that pained expression again. He looked back at Brianna and cupped her small face in his big hands.

“No Brianna. You did nothing wrong. This has nothing to do with you. What happened was between your mom and me. You’re just an added bonus.”

Brianna smiles wider and lunged at Brian wrapping her arms around his neck. She threw his balance off whack just enough that he tumbled over backwards taking her with him.

“DOG PILE!!!”

Jimmy jumped ontop of Brianna and Brian and started tickling Brianna. Brian soon followed suit while I sat on the couch laughing. I hadn’t seen my daughter smile or laugh so much since…since she first saw him on TV…

I shook my thought out of my head and stood up to break the tickle fest up.

~~~~~~

“Daddy you’re hands are big”

“The bigger to tickle you with!”

“Daddy stop!”

I looked over at Brianna. She hadn’t left Brian’s side the entire time we’ve been here. Which has been a few hours. She was currently sitting on his lap while he talked to Jimmy.

Jimmy hadn’t left Brianna’s side. I knew that he was there to protect her is something went wrong. She felt safe with her Jimmy Teddy Bear. She told me so the night before when I was tucking her in.

Brianna looked over at me and I smiled at her.

“Mommy”

“Yes Bree”

“I’m hungry”

I looked at Brian.

“Well dad. Any food here?”

“Um…”

Brian looked around.

“No…not really”

Brianna looked back at Brian.

“Then how do you eat daddy?”

“I usually go out somewhere to eat”

“Oh…can we go out to eat mommy! We don’t do that a lot!”

“I don’t know hunny.”

“Aw come on mom!”

All three of us looked over at Jimmy who had his puppy dog face on.

“Really? I thought she was the little kid here?”

“Come onnnn I haven’t seen you guys in forever. Besides I’m hungry too!”

“Mommy can Uncie Jimmy and Auntie L and Uncie M and Auntie V come too!?”

“When did I say it was okay?”

“Come on Alina”

I looked over at Brian. He wasn’t getting a hang of this united parenting thing that I had told him about.

“I’ll buy. Let me spend some more time with her today before I have to go for the concert”

I sighed.

“Fine but only because you’re buying”

“YAY!”

Brianna and Jimmy jumped up and down in excitement.

~~~~~~

We left the hotel where the guys were staying at. The entire group had been invited by Brianna who had run around with Jimmy to the other rooms. Val and Matt were leading the group hand in hand. Behind them were Johnny and Julianna. Julianna kept looking back at us though. I was right behind them with Brian and Brianna. Brianna was walking between us holding each of our hands and skipping a little bit every now and then. Behind us were Jimmy, Leana, Zacky, and Gena.

Brianna was humming slightly has we walked. I could tell that she was happy that she had met her dad and that he wasn’t being an ass hole today. I was happy about that too. I just hopped Brianna wouldn’t get her hopes up that we would get together. Because that was NOT on my list of things to have happen in my life. We got together once before and look how that had ended.

Yeah I’m not going there again.

We arrived at our destination for lunch and I stopped short.

“Brian this is way too expensive. I can’t afford this right now”

“Calm down. I already told you that I would pay for the both of you. Let’s just enjoy this okay?”

“No promises”

We followed everyone else inside and to our table. Brianna was set up in a booster seat between Brian and Jimmy. It was supposed to be Between Brian and me but Jimmy called dibs on sitting next to her before I could protest. Which left me sitting next to Brian. I glared at everyone.

I knew they had done this on purpose. Everyone was hoping that we would get together. But I wasn’t so sure that I was up for having my heart broken like that again.

“Mommy look at my drawing!”

I looked over Brian to see the drawing Brianna was holding up.

“Very pretty hunny”

“Mhmm it’s me, mommy, daddy, and we’re all together and happy!”

I gulped and looked at Brian. He had the exact same expression on his face.

Shit she IS getting her hopes up

“Hunny…your dad and I….we’re not together.”

Brianna set her drawing down and looked at me confused.

“What do you mean? You love each other right? Aunti J said you two are in love? And when you’re in love you are together right?”

“Yes hunny but…”

“But what mommy…”

I looked at Brian for help. He nodded and turned to look at Brianna.

“She means that it’s more complicated than that. I didn’t treat her so well before. I have to prove that I can be a good dad and boyfriend for her okay?”

“Boyfriend? Don’t you mean husband?”

Julianna started coughing on her drink across the table from me and Johnny started to pat her back.

My eyes were wide and I just opened and closed my mouth again. I didn’t know what to say to that.

“Um…Bree hunny…in order for Brian to be my husband…we’d have to get married…”

“So…”

“So…um…”

“I don’t know if that’s going to happen anytime soon Brianna sweetie”

Brianna looked over at Jimmy.

“Why not?”

“Because…they’re having a grown up fight and not getting along right now”

“Oh…but after the fight is over”

“We’ll see Brianna”

“But mommy”

“I said we’ll see Brianna Rose Gates-Ives”

Brianna just sunk back in her seat and crossed her arms. That is until Jimmy started attacking her with tickles. I avoided everyone’s eyes has I searched the menu for what I was going to have to eat. I could feel Brian looking at me. But he soon looked away. He knew I didn’t want to be next to him. So he was staying a little ways away from me.

Thank God

~~~~~~

Well suffice to say I made it through the majority of lunch without another embarrassing moment like that happened again.

But my luck soon ran out.

I went to reach for my drink when my elbow hit my phone and knocked it off the table. I went to reach for it at the exact same time Brian reached down to get it for me. Our hands brushed together over my phone and we looked up at each other at the exact same time. Our eyes locked and I felt my heart start beating faster. I pulled my phone out of his hand but he just grabbed my wrist with his hand and pulled me closer to him. I swore that I thought he would kiss me but all he did was kiss my cheek and let my wrist go, sitting back up straight and continuing his conversation with Jimmy.

I felt my face start to flush and I immediately stood up and almost ran to the bathroom. I wasn’t in there long before the girls came in. I was standing over a sink my phone still clutched in my hand and I was fighting back tears.

“Alina…”

“Why is he making this so god damned hard?”

“Making what so hard?”

I looked up at the girls reflections in the mirror.

“Letting him in again. Letting him be a part of Brianna’s life.”

“How is it hard? What’s going on Brianna?”

I looked back down at the sink.

“I love him. I’ve been in love with Brian since I first saw him in Berlin 7 years ago. I fell in love with him and I haven’t fallen out of love since. And…I want him so bad but…I don’t want to get hurt again. I don’t want Brianna to get hurt. I don’t want him to destroy me again. I don’t want that.”

Suddenly all four girls enveloped me in a hug and didn’t let go until I yelled at them to for I needed air. They all just laughed and I splashed water on my face and returned to the table where Brianna and Jimmy were drawing all over her mat.

~~~~~

We were walking back to the hotel when it happened. When Brian looked over at me and asked me something.

“Alina?”

“Hm”

“Can you look at me for a minute?”

I looked over at Brian. Brianna was between us again. She was swinging her arms back and forth causing our arms to swing back and forth too.

“Yes?”

“Will you go on a date with me?”

I stopped short throwing both Brianna and Brian off step.

“What?”

“Will you give me a chance and let me take you out on a real date?”

I looked around at everyone and at Brianna who was smiling up at me. I looked back up at Brian.

“You couldn’t ask me somewhere else. Perhaps where Bree isn’t?”

“It’s harder for you to say no here”

Oh he’s good

I narrowed my eyes at Brian.

“I’ll think about it”

With that I started to walk again. Brianna was starting to skip and Brian had a little hop to his step too.

I just grumbled along to myself.

This can’t be happening to me

~~~~~

That night after the concert I ran out of there and home in order to avoid Brian. I made it home after Brianna had fallen asleep but Julianna was waiting up for me.

“Go on the date”

“Not now Julianna”

“Go on the date Alina”

“What if I don’t want to?”

“You love him right?”

I crossed my arms over my chest.

“That’s debatable at times”

“Oh bull shit Alina. You said so yourself earlier that you’re in love with him. So just say yes and go on one date”

“I can’t”

“Why not?”

“You heard me didn’t you? I don’t want to get torn apart again. If he can prove that he’s serious about everything he’s saying THEN I’ll consider the date. Deal?”

“Fine”

“Thank-you”

“Just can’t give the guy a break can you?”

“Julianna he broke my heart and left me pregnant how am I supposed to feel!? God why is everyone taking his side!?”

I slammed the door shut and locked it and just laid down on my bed and started crying.

I was so sick of crying.

My phone started buzzing.

I lifted it up and saw that it was from Julianna. I flipped open my phone and read the text I had from her.

”Believe it or not babe. But I’m on your side. We all are”

I groaned and rolled over burying my face in my pillow.

“What the hell does that mean?”