Like a Million Lights

It was almost 5 in the afternoon and I succeeded on avoiding Joel for the day. He looked for me at the bus and asked for me to everyone he met inside the venue or even outside. I avoided him by staying in my bunk or wandering off to the opposite direction of him, it was like middle school all over again. I stood near the doors and took some pictures of the fans that brought signs or unique things to the show until I spotted a black head going to the back of the venue.

I shook my head to clear my vision and she disappeared. It couldn’t be her. What was she doing here, anyway? After I got enough pictures, I decided to go back to the bus or Joel would spot me and confronted me. When I was on my way back, I could see a familiar blonde head with the black head from earlier. My head snapped to their way but they were gone. Was my mind playing some games at me?

“Mariza!”, someone clapped my shoulder, making me yelped and jumped a bit in surprise. I turned around and saw a confused Alex. “Are you okay?”

“Not really.”, I muttered and controlled my breathing until it was steady again. “What is it, Alex?”

“Joel was looking for you, I just wanted to tell you that.”, he smiled a bit and shoved his hands into his pocket. “You should see him, he’s freaking out.”

“Alex, why are you so nice to me all of a sudden?”, I asked and narrowed my eyes at him. “You hated my guts and now you’re talking to me like nothing happened.”

His smiled fell and he sighed before looking down to his shoes. “Since you and Joel got back together, I felt bad for treating you like shit even though we didn’t have any problem between us, but I hated you because you broke Joel’s heart and he’s my friend, so… yeah.”

I nodded and smiled. Alex used to be my closest friend from the guys because our age wasn’t that too far apart. “Thanks, Alex.”

“Come here.”, he chuckled and opened his arms. I quickly wrapped my arms around his waist and after five seconds, I squeezed his waist tightly. “Mars!”

“For old times’ sake, right, Alex?”, I grinned wickedly before running back to the bus. The bus was already quiet because the guys were already in the dressing room. My camera’s memory card was almost full so I dashed to my bunk to get my laptop before continuing my way to the back lounge.

After putting in the memory card to the card reader, I waited until it showed up on the screen. Most of the pictures were from last night. Apparently, after I went into my bunk, Dirk stole my camera and took some drunken pictures of him and the guys, not including John. I laughed at a picture of Garrett stuffing whipped cream straight from the can into Pat’s mouth.

When I was done, I put the memory card back into my camera and pursed my lips. What should I do until 6.30? I didn’t want to go out from the bus because of Joel and so my mind wouldn’t play anymore tricks on me.
***************
I sat cross legged on the side of the stage as The Maine played their set. You could say that I was here against my will for tonight, because I didn’t want to meet face to face with John, but I was here to work.

Dirk was nowhere to be seen and I had taken enough pictures to his please, so it was very normal of me to just sit here through the set. John stole glances to me but I pretended that I didn’t see him by playing with my shoe laces or biting my nails.

It felt like we were still teenagers and couldn’t just confront each other about it and talk about it like normal young adults. More like, I didn’t have the guts to just talk it out with him. I sighed and closed my eyes, trying to drown myself into my mind and ignored the noise.

Pros and cons on both of them. John…. Where can I start? He was sweet, funny and caring, but I just knew him, I had a doubt about his promise that he wouldn’t leave me like Joel did, but… he wasn’t there…. He didn’t know what I looked like that night.

Joel… The only guy that I could see standing on the altar with. I didn’t need anymore explanation for that.

Suddenly, the show was over, drifting me back to reality. I stood up so I wouldn’t be a roadblock for the guys. Jared, Garrett, Pat and Kennedy gave me a high five on their way but John stopped in front of me. “How was I?”

“You were amazing, as always.”, I said flatly and twitched my lips to smile. “Look, John…”

He groaned softly and ran his fingers through his sweaty, tousled hair. “Here comes the rejection.”

My eyes widened. “I-I wasn’t…”

“No, Mars.”, he shook his head and put his hands on my shoulders. “I know you love Joel, and well… you wouldn’t have any feelings for me, but—“
Before he continued his words, I stepped on my toes and smacked my lips on his, just to shut him up. The backstage was dark and no bands around, only the venue crews. He swallowed my lips slowly once until I pulled away. “I have feelings for you, John. I do.”, I admitted.

“But you can’t be with me…”

I nodded and looked down to my shoes. “I’m sorry. Joel had been with me through thick and thin… he’s my everything.”

John sighed and pursed his lips before shrugging his shoulder. “I can’t do anything to change that, can’t I?”

After he walked away, Joel and the rest of This Century appeared. The truth was, I was a bit guilty about John because a minute ago, I kissed him behind Joel’s back… meaning I cheated on Joel. “Hey, baby.”, Joel kissed my cheek and wrapped his arms around my waist.

“I know you guys got back together, but please, save the mushy stuff for the bedroom.”, Sean complained with a roll of his eyes.

I giggled along with Joel and he just started to kiss my cheek, my jaw line and my neck. When it was his time to go on stage, he pecked my lips before running out to the stage. They started the show with Battling A Heavy Heart and I danced side stage.

It was fun to see Joel on stage and I took a few pictures of them for my Flickr. When they were about to sing the next song, Joel cleared his throat, meaning he’d do a little speech.

“So, this next song… I just wrote it earlier this morning.”, he said through the mic and the crowd screamed in reply. “It’s about this girl… who I love so much and this song is for her. This one is just an acoustic version, we haven’t got the song together, but I just wanted to share this with you all.”

“I was seventeen and stupid
She was pink and perfect
We were almost make believe
Innocent and love is
And you, became a drug
And I can’t get enough

You are the sound of fire
Burnin’ up the night
And I can’t hold the pages
And I can’t hold a beat to save my life
So I don’t wanna dance alone
I don’t wanna dance alone

Into your arms, when time was still and nothing mattered
You can take my heart and break it and shake it
Leave me forsake it and I just want it badder
And you became love
And I can’t get enough

You are the sound of fire
Burnin’ up the night
And I can’t hold a beat to save my life
You are the sound of fire
Keepin’ me alive
And I need you to need me to survive”, Joel sang as he strummed the melody on his acoustic. It was very surprising because I didn’t know about the new song at all and a bit odd because John sang his new song for me too. In the same night.

“That’s all I got right now.”, he chuckled after he ended the song. “Hope you guys liked it.”, and the crowd replied with hysterical screams. Joel looked my way and mouthed ‘I love you’ and I smiled and nodded my head like an idiot.

Someone had set a couple glasses of drinks for the guys on stage and placed it near Ryan’s drum set. Joel noticed the drinks and took one of them before making another little speech for the crowd. He made a toast with the others and took a swig of the drink.

There was something that made me unease and bad thoughts rushed into my mind, like they were trying to warn me about something… but it was too late. On stage, Joel’s drink fell to the floor and the glass scattered into pieces as he coughed hardly until he had to clutch his stomach. “Joel!”, I screamed and ran out to the stage.

He was still coughing and kneeled because of the pain. I wrapped my arms around him and he went weak, leaning on my arms. Joel passed out. “Call 911! Please!”, I screeched and begged to Tanner who was still side stage with horror eyes.

“Joel! Can you hear me!?”, I cried as I shook his body. Sean was checking for his pulse and he said they were still pumping, but barely noticeable. Ryan pulled me away from Joel as Sean and Alex carried him to the backstage. The crowd was worried and I could tell that, but they were curious about what happened and who I was too.

The guys took Joel to the dressing room and lie him out on the couch. He was getting paler and I just stood on both of my knees beside him until the ambulance came. The paramedics had to get the wheeled bed into the backstage and got Joel on it.

Tanner insisted me to stay behind and let him got on the ambulance, and he promised to call me when everything was okay. I sat on the couch that Joel lie on previously and kept my head down as I cried. What happened to him? What happened? All of the questions swirled inside.

Then, someone knocked the door of the dressing room. “Mars?”

I knew that voice everywhere. When I had my head up, John was standing on the doorway, already showered and dressed. There was worry on his face when he saw me, but he couldn’t do anything in front of Joel’s band mates. “W-What happened with Joel?”

“No one knows yet.”, Sean answered his question for me. I smiled him a thank you smile and he smiled back. Sean had that thing with me, a brotherly thing because Alex and I were like the annoying twins and he was our brother.

“J-John…”, I hiccupped and breathed in the snot in my nose. “I-I don’t want to talk about it… Can I just see you in the bus?”

John nodded and left, but I knew he was a bit disappointed that I didn’t want to share anything with him. I sniffled and wiped away my tears with the back of my hands, making some of my mascara and eye liner smudged on them.

“Someone left a note for Mariza.”, Alex picked up a note that was on the floor and gave it to me. “It was stepped on and everything, but I think its readable.”

I nodded and took the note. When I read the inside, my heart crimpled. I knew who was behind everything that happened to Joel.