Falling Apart For You

I walk up my front steps with Jamie and face the door. I’m still as I stare at the white carvings on the white door. One knock with the metal handle or one push of the doorbell button and one of my parents will answer. I don’t want to do this.
I don’t want to do this!
Jamie let go of my hand long time ago and now I don’t have that comfort anymore. I don’t have the reassurance that he’s there. He probably left me here and ran to his other friends. Because he has friends. I don’t.
An elbow nudges my lower ribcage and I sigh in relief. I know that’s Jamie and I know he’s here. It’s just more comforting to have his warm hands around mine. I like it better that way. “Go ahead, Collin.” he encourages in a soft voice. No yelling, no accusing, none of that. Just Jamie and his girly voice. He might kill me if he heard that.
I take a deep breath and hold it in as my index finger touches the doorbell button. I put pressure on the button and I hear a chorus of tunes through the door. I don’t want to do this.
Jamie gently lays his hand on my shoulder in a comforting manner. He’s just being nice, that’s all. He doesn’t like me, he despises me, he said so himself. He’s only doing this because he wants to get rid of me, because he hates me, he despises me.
I can’t do this. I almost had the chance to bolt, but my unlucky timing kicks in when the door is opened and a large man with greying hair and stress wrinkles looks at me with a growl from the back of his throat.
“Dad?”
“Get in here, boy!” He grabs the sleeve of my jacket and yanks me into the house. Jamie follows with a shocked expression.
As soon as my dad slams the door closed, he whips his head around to face me with those menacing eyes of his. “That better be your girlfriend you brought with you.” my dad states, pointing his head to Jamie, but not taking his threatening eyes off me.
I can tell how much Jamie would take offence to that. First off, my dad referred to him as a girl –the same thing I did, and second, Jamie would be offended that I’d be his ‘boyfriend’. Not because he’s not gay, but because it’s me. He hates me, that much I know.
I don’t know what to say so I blurt the truth, too scared to say anything above a whisper. “Jamie’s a boy.”
And that was the wrong thing to do. My dad’s face bubbles in red anger and I can just imagine the steam blowing out of his ears. “Your boyfriend, isn’t he?!”
“N-No,” As much as I’d love for Jamie to be mine, he isn’t. Can’t have a functional relationship if one isn’t willing, the right sexual orientation, and if they hate you.
“Fuck buddy?” my dad questions with a snarl, approaching me at a slow and unbelievably scary pace.
I back up and run into Jamie, but that doesn’t stop me from continuing on reversing. Not when my dad’s ready to kill me. Jamie’s behind me but he’s also backing up with me. I feel his chest against my back and I could imagine him watching this over my shoulders. His hands graze mine and I freeze for a moment, wide eyes and fast heartbeat, whether a reaction from my dad’s murderous advance or from a simple touch from the boy behind me. Jamie’s hands grab mine and try to pull me back against him. W-What is he doing?
That is until I remember my dad and my soon-to-be death.
As long as Jamie’s here, I’m fine.
My dad’s eyes snap to our hands. “You better fucking let go, boy!”
“Dad, he’s just my...” I don’t know what to say. Jamie’s not my boyfriend, no, but I can’t classify him as a friend, can I? A friend doesn’t hate another friend.
“Friend,” Jamie’s breath travels along my neck as he finishes my sentence for me, his voice clear and soft, no sign of fright in his tone. If only I was that strong.
My dad growls in anger and closes his eyes to calm himself. One hand rises up to pinch the bridge of his nose as the other points to the stairs to the right. “Pack a few things and get out of here.”
“Dad?” my voice cracks. I ran away because I was scared for this to happen. And yet I realize it’s inevitable.
“Just for a while,” he sighs as he gains some control. “I need to... adjust to this whole thing.”
“Sure,” I mumble as I make my way up my room, Jamie following behind.
......
As soon as I finish packing a few things in my duffle bag, I plop down on my bed and take in the fact that I have no place to go. Gay, heartbroken, and homeless. What a week this has been. Nothing I’ve ever expected has turned this week into the worst.
“You can stay over at my place tonight,” Jamie whispers in the silent air.
I shake my head as I stand up and sling the duffle bag over my head and onto my shoulder. “I don’t think that’s the best idea.”
Jamie takes a step forward and grips my arm. I look up into his eyes, and then automatically look down at my arm. I sigh and shake his hand off my arm before walking downstairs. “No,”
I hear Jamie’s footsteps following behind me. “Why the fuck not? You have nowhere else to go!”
“Why, Jamie?” I stop dead in my tracks and whip around to face the boy. He bumps into me then backs up to look at me with sympathetic eyes. “Why would you want me to crash at your place, huh? You came along only to make sure I go through with this so that I will leave you alone, right?” He remains silent, looking into my eyes with his stupid blue ones.
I rip my gaze from his sapphire eyes and turn to walk out of my house. I mean my father’s house, me no longer living in it until further notice. “I thought so,”
......
Well I ended up in Jamie’s house anyway. I don’t know how. I don’t know when. He’s got his magical ways as it was all a blur to me since I was too busy gawking at his girly face, body, clothes... geez, he might as well be a girl with a dick instead of a vagina. Though I’m gay, his girly ways makes me love him. Only girly things are attractive on men, not women, in my opinion.
All the seriousness from the incident with my dad is still a lingering subject in the atmosphere and I decided it’s getting a little too serious. It’s normal what he did. That’s exactly why I expected it. That’s the kind of man he is. I’m just glad he didn’t kill me for going against everything he’s wanted from me; to be a man. I don’t care anymore. It feels kind of relieving to have my father know in a way. Now I don’t have to hide and he can learn to cope with it.
“Can I sleep in your bed?” I ask as I slip off my pants, resting comfortably in my blue boxers. It’s warm enough in his house.
“No,” is his short and quick response.
I take a seat on the edge of my fold-out bed and face him with pleading eyes. He tucks himself comfortably in his sheets with his head propped up by multiple pillows and stares at me.
“I want to sleep in your bed.” I state, my eyes as hard a stare as his.
“Why does it matter, Collin?” he groans in frustration. “The beds are the same!”
“Yours looks more comfortable.”
“How would you know?” he growls, his nose scrunching up in the cutest way, reminding me of a bunny.
“It only takes you a minute to fall asleep, where as I’m lying here watching you as I try to fall asleep after hours of wakefulness.” I cross my arms and pout, trying to pull it off. I can just feel it not working. Only pouts and other cute child-like expressions work on adorable people like Jamie. I silently curse him for that.
He sits up straight and glares at me wide-eyed. “You fucking watch me sleep, you faggot?!”
“Don’t say that,” I whisper loudly. I want him to hear it and take a hint that it hurts me when he says things like that. Take the fucking hint, you bastard!
“What?” he shouts angrily. “The part where I imply that you’re a stalker or that you’re a gaytard?”
My hard glower turns into melting ice, then back to a glacial glare. I will not lose control of my emotions. “Just let me sleep in your bed.” I state emotionless. It’s better than losing control of it.
He grunts out a bunch of profanities while he slips out of the warm-looking sheets. “I let you in my house and now you take over my bed?”
“Wait!” I yell, stopping him from going any farther.
He pauses and glares at me. “What do you want now? My whole room? Do you want me to leave and go sleep on the couch downstairs while you settle in this house as if it’s your own?”
My head drops down in embarrassment and I stare at the boxers for a few moments. I don’t know how to say what I want. It’s nothing Jamie mentioned. It’s far from that. I look up and fix my gaze on his bed. “Stay there,”
“You said that you want to-”
“Yeah, I know.” I interrupt, “But I want you on that too.” My head nods toward his bed.
“Oh hell no!”
I instantly got up and grab his arms, pushing him down on the bed and leaning over him. “Stay!”
His eyes narrow dangerously at me. You know, for a girly looking guy, he acts pretty tough, as if he can take me in a physical fight or something. What he doesn’t know is that he can take me in a mental fight. He’s got all my weaknesses and the most important one; control of my emotions. “Get off me, Collin.” he growls in a voice a couple pitches higher than a regular teenage boy’s voice.
“Just stay, please Jamie.” I beg with both my voice and eyes. “I need you to stay here.”
“Get off me now!” he infuriately screams with such intensity, it emotionally stings my skin and I let go of him as if he’s an erupting volcano, both bursting with red, hot anger and burning with just a touch. He slides his legs under the sheets, moves to one side of the bed and pats the other half. “Lay down,”
I’m unable to stop my lips from pulling up into a triumph grin and I happily crawl over his body –to his discomfort– onto the other side of the bed.
“Don’t touch me ever and keep your distance.” Jamie says, crawling into his stomach and settling his head in his crossed arms on the pillow. “This will allow living a lot easier for the both of us.” His voice comes out muffled by the pillow.
Silence creeps up in the atmosphere and I couldn’t tell if Jamie’s sleeping or not. It’s been only ten minutes but he has no problem falling asleep in a short span of a few minutes. I turn to my side and face Jamie’s body. His head is tucked in his arms and his hair falls over his face so I can’t see him properly. Is he sleeping?
“What?” he spits with disdain. My heart beat increases at an uncomfortable pace and I immediately look away. Did he notice my stare? Why do I make things like these so obvious?
“Sorry,” I whisper, burying my face in my pillow. “Goodnight, Jamie.”
“We’re both well aware that it’ll take you a long time to go to sleep.” he monotonously states.
“Yeah, what’s your point?”
“Stop staring at me, you creeper.” It wasn’t said with hate but it still hurt.
“Sorry,” I apologize again, unable to stop from getting him mad. I may be sorry but I won’t stop doing it. Not unless he kicks me out, just as my dad has.
“How’d you turn gay?” he asks out of nowhere. The question is so unexpected, it takes me a while to adjust to the change of mood and think of the reason behind my sexual orientation change.
“Freshmen year of high school, boys’ locker room, shower.” I badly begin, unable to get the proper words out. It’s uncomfortable telling this to a straight guy, knowing that I want him. “I couldn’t stop staring at them. After a few weeks of that, I started to notice the little things that make guys attractive, then I turned it into such a big deal and I couldn’t stop thinking about them in a way I knew I wasn’t supposed to...”
“You’re a corrupted son of a bitch,” Jamie spits before turning his body around, his back facing me.
His words trigger jolts of painful electricity through my chest. Not the good kind of pain, but the one everyone hates. The one every tries to avoid. The emotional one. The one I didn’t have until Jamie showed up.
Why did he ask me? Why the hell would he ask me a question if he’s just going to use it as an excuse to verbally abuse me? A girly looking boy, a couple inches shorter than me, little to no muscles with feminine features and he can hurt me worse than any guy on the football team ever can. If I wasn’t the victim, I’d be laughing hysterically at the loser.