Falling Apart For You

My math teacher drones on about something, but all I can make of her words are ‘blah blah blah’, not to be offensive or anything. She just bores me into a world of thoughts and daydreams as I stare out the window, into the clear, blue sky.
I stop jokingly harassing Jamie when his ignoring me got a little too serious. I was just playing around with him. He doesn’t have to make such a big deal out of it.
And I did not molest him. I only grazed his body tenderly with my fingers. It’s called admiring the simple beauty of one’s exposed skin. He should learn to get more human contact if he overreacts to such things as a simple skin to skin touch.
I mean if he can’t handle a touch, how the hell does he even kiss a girl? Or boy?
Omigod, he hasn’t kissed a girl, has he? I am so back to harassing him about this when I get home.
But... it isn’t my home. Since when have I started thinking about Jamie’s place as my home?
My home is in that crappy big house with that old lady who treats me like a kid, and that old man who dreams for a perfect son. That’s my home.
But I don’t want it to be.
The bell startles me out of my trance. I sling my backpack over my shoulders and rush into the crowded hallways.
The gossip has died down, though not to a complete stop. It’s just last week’s news, is all. The whispers, glances, glares, and insults have quieted, but it’s still roaming around. It makes it easier for me to ignore them.
As I slam my locker shut and click my lock into place, Christina’s fiery red hair blinds me for a moment before my eyes learn to adjust. It’s been a while –only two weeks– since considered Christina my best friend. I’ve grown used to life without the explosion of drama or her hair.
“Collin, we need to talk.” she demands.
“Yeah...” I shake my head. “I don’t think so.” I clutch my binder and textbook to my chest, weaving through the students as I make my way to my last period.
“Collin!” I hear her voice fade, and then grow louder. She appears next to me, breathing heavily. “Please, can we talk about this? I’m not doing well without you.”
I grunt profanities under my breath, hurrying to class when the bell rang.
Truth is I haven’t thought much about Christina in the past few days. I guess she hasn’t really made a big impact in my life as a best friend. I don’t think I really know what a best friend is. Other than her, I’ve never had one.
As hard as it is to believe, I was always the nerd in the back of the class, nervously shaking when the teacher calls me up in front of the class for a presentation or to answer a question on the board. But that was back in elementary and middle school. A lot has changed since then. I went through puberty, got contacts to replace my wide-framed glasses, and finally got my braces taken off showing off my white, straight teeth. My scrawny skeletal body developed into healthy muscles –I’m still working out to keep those muscles–, I grew some facial hair, and matured... a little.
Fact is I’ve never had a best friend, only a few friends who were also classified as nerds. That’s probably why I hurriedly took the chance to become Christina’s best friend in freshman year. I was desperate to have a best friend, especially someone as pretty and popular as her.
I guess I’m kind of low like that, as a nerd and as a jock.
......
After a long and hard football practice I hang out at the park again. It’s been kind of like a ritual. Every day I still wonder if I should go back to Jamie’s place. He didn’t kick me out yet, and plus my stuff is still there. There’s no other logical reason as to why I shouldn’t go back.
Yes. Yes there is. Jamie hates me. I still remember that day as much as I’d love to forget it.
But I go anyways. I go back to his place and face the guy that’s grown to hate me. No, no. He’s always hated me from the beginning since we’ve met on the day of the Talent Show. His hate just... grew.
I sit on my makeshift bed and grab the edge of the bed, glancing at the door every few seconds. Jamie might not come back until late at night. I mean it is Friday night. He must have plan or something. I sure as hell don’t. Stupid homophobic people I used to call my friends are avoiding me.
I fell my cell phone vibrate in my back pocket. I shift over to one side, reaching into the pocket to grab my cell.
I automatically flip it open, not checking the caller I.D. I hope its Jamie. Maybe he forgives me? “Ya?”
“Collin,” My eyebrows scrunch up at my stupidity. Of course it’s not Jamie. He doesn’t have my number.
“Mom, I’m not in the mood to talk.” I sigh. I really don’t need this right now. She’s going to start her endless rants and lectures.
“Young man,” There she goes again, calling me by a name only mothers say to their kids. “You are coming home and apologising to your father about running away. He has gained unnecessary stress because of this, now come back home!”
“Sorry, ma, but dad says I need to leave while he adjusts to this problem of mine.” I heavily emphasize the words adjust and problem.
“Your dad is trying, Collin. He’s worried about you. We don’t know where you’ve been staying and you never pick up your cell.”
A dry laugh emits through my lips. “He’s worried this problem of mine might ruin my chances at our big game on Monday, not because of my health.”
“Just come back and we will talk about this.” She hangs up and all I hear is the dial tone.
A few minutes later, the door jolts me out of my thoughts as it slams against the wall. Jamie barges in, fuming his head off.
“You!” He points a finger at me, raging with anger. “You fucking queer, get out of my room, out of my house!”
My eyes grow wide in confusion, hands up in the air at my sides like I’m getting arrested. “What did I do?”
He starts to pace around his room, still holding his glare on me. His hand lowers to his side and forms fists, as if he’s tempted to punch me but won’t because his mother is downstairs. That’s probably why. He’s such a goody-two-shoes.
“There’s a rumour going around school,” he growls. It’s kind of hot, really. His growling, I mean.
“So?” I shrug, dropping my hands to my side. “Our school is like any other school; full of rumours, gossip, and drama. Why does it matter now?”
“This one is about you and me, you fag.” He abruptly pauses in mid-step and his glare turns kind of scary, even for a small guy like him. “They found out about how you’re staying at my place for a while and now it’s going around about how I. Am. Your. Boyfriend!” His glare intensifies with the last four words.
I slowly get up. I draw myself closer to him and gaze down at his brown eyes. They might be glaring daggers at me, but they are beautiful nonetheless. “Do you want to be my boyfriend?”
“What?” Jamie turns away angrily. “Do you like me or something?” he spits.
“Yeah...” I hadn’t meant to say it out loud.
“Get OUT!” He marches furiously to his bathroom, slamming the door behind him.
......
“Collin, go drop you bags in your room and come back down to the living room. You father and I will have a discussion with you.” My mom, then, gracefully walks towards the family area.
I grudgingly drag my bags upstairs to my room and fall backwards on my high bed. It’s different from Jamie’s bed. It’s doesn’t have his scent on my pillows.
Now I have a perfectly good reason as to why I can’t go to Jamie’s anymore. I mean he’s always hated me, but now he despises me.
I didn’t start those rumours –though I guess one wasn’t a rumour since I was, in fact, staying at his place–, but the part where they think he’s gay and dating me, I’m sure he pissed off at that. Not only did he acquire feminine features from his mother, but now our peers can hold that against him when he denies that he’s gay.
I don’t know how they even found out that was staying with him. Only Jamie’s sister, Sara, knew about it and I doubt she ever told anyone.
......
“I’m quitting football.”
“WHAT?!” my dad roars.
“I don’t like that sport. I’ve never liked that sport. As a matter of fact, I don’t like any sports. I never have, but dad,” I look up at his enraged, red, puffing face. “I only did it to impress you, to get your attention. To have a reason why you should care about me or anything I do.” I close my eyes, lower my head, and chuckle. “It was never enough for you. It will never be and I’m tired. Tired of trying to gain you interest, and I’m tired of trying to live up to your expectations.”
“The final game is on Monday, Collin! You will not quit, especially before a big game. You will not let Coach Hunter and your team down, do you understand me?”
“No,” I look into his eyes, not backing down.
“Collin, you have no choice, son.”
“Yes, I do.”
“No you don’t. You know why?” My eyebrows rise, daring him to do something about it. “Because, son. The only way you’ll get into university or college will be a football scholarship. I refuse to pay now. You will play football or you will have no future.”
I can’t believe him! My own fucking father won’t pay for university? He’s fucking threatening me, the son of a bitch. And my mother isn’t disagreeing with him either!
And to top it off, those new rumours are formulating about Jamie and I and he’s hates me even more than before.
......
The whole weekend, I do nothing but stay in my room, contemplating all the options I have.
Unfortunately there is only two options; Keep playing a sport I hate with homophobic teammates for the rest of the year, or borrow money from the government and go into debt later on in life as the government pesters me non-stop about paying back with interest while I struggle to balance my school and work.
I don’t like the looks of things now.
I mean it’s only the rest of the year, right? That about... six more months. I can make do with that. The thing is that now I don’t want to because I’ll be giving in to my dad’s demands. I have pride, you know. Well, I have what’s left of it, being a queer and all, having my crush hate my guts, losing my best friend and a spot on the top of the popularity ladder, and losing a chance at getting free education finance.
Well, call me a fag and slap my ass!
This is just fucking great. I might as well compare my life to living in hell.