Crash and Burn

I can not sleep for anything. I have no idea why. I usually am a heavy sleeper, and easily go to sleep. But not tonight. I have tossed and turned in my bed for hours, but to no avail. Sleep never arrived. I tried everything. A warm bath, reading, soft music, but nothing seemed to work. I don't understand why I suddenly can not sleep. Maybe it has to do with my boyfriend.

My boyfriend's name is Jason. He is kind, caring, loving, and...my boss. No, I'm not sleeping with him to get far in my career as a photographer. Our relationship started before he was my boss. However, since he was promoted to editor of the music magazine I work for, he became just that. By this point, we had been together for three years, so we were not going to break up because of our circumstances. Him being my boss has never been an issue, we keep our relationship strictly professional at work, and he never treats me better than any of the other employees.

Now we have been together five years. Five years. And I still live alone, in my condo in Manhattan. And he is still my boyfriend. Just my boyfriend. All of my friends are married, and a few even have kids. But me? No. I'm 27, and I am ready to marry him. I know he is the one for me. I knew since I met him that I would marry him. Little did I know, I was dealing with a commitment phobe. Last year, we got in a fight because I left my toothbrush at his apartment. My toothbrush. God forbid I leave a piece of clothing.

Even now, after being together for so long, I still take the walk of shame. I try to avoid conflict, and don't want to cause another fight because I leave something there. So when I go to stay the night, I take as little as possible.

My friends think it's ridiculous, and so do I. They also think I should leave him. According to them, he is never going to make a commitment, and doesn't want to. I'm not so sure about that. Maybe he's just afraid of being hurt. Yeah, that's very common with both men and women. Maybe I just need to reassure him that I will never hurt him. But after five years together, I would think he would know that.

I know I should leave him. But I can't. I am in love with him.

What is bugging me, is why this is suddenly bothering me to the point that I cannot sleep? This isn't some new issue, nothing has happened between us to make me overly think this. Why, now, cannot I not stop thinking about it?

Maybe it has to do with what I saw all over the internet today.

FRANK IERO, OF THE BAND MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE, TO MARRY GIRLFRIEND.

Frank Iero. That name brings back so many memories. Good, and bad. I tried not to cry when I read it. Apparently, they have a daughter together. He is a father. To her baby.

It hurts. So bad. I should be happy for him. But it's human nature to be selfish, and greedy. And jealous. I am so so jealous of his fiancee. I wish I could be her. To wake up beside him every morning, and to see him with our daughter. That should be my life...