So Far Away

"A lonely road, crossed another cold state line... miles away from those I love, purpose hard to find."

Matt had hit the nail right on the head the second he'd penned those lyrics. It's something we've all felt spending so much time on the road. At times, it doesn't feel worth it. So much pain comes with being away from your friends and family for months at a time. Sure, travelling with your best friends in the entire world helps things, but we do grow tired of each other's company every now and then.

To a lot of people on the outside, we're living a dream. Every kid wants to grow up to be a rockstar, but most don't realise just how much you have to sacrifice in order to reach your goals. Live like a recluse, barely eating, grabbing a couple of hours sleep whenever you can... it's not all as glamorous as you'd expect it to be.

I often question my motives. I've been doing this for so long now that I don't know anything else but sometimes... sometimes I just feel like giving up and trying my hand at living a "normal" life. Sometimes the pain just becomes too much. There are days on the bus that are just filled with silence, and we don't even have to ask to know what's going through each other's heads because it's so obvious, because we all feel the same way.

So many times I've come so close to just saying "fuck it" and booking the next flight home, but then I think about the rush that I get when I'm on the stage in front of thousands of screaming kids. It's crazy how passionate they are. I can't even count how many people have come up to me and thanked me for changing their lives, or even saving their lives. When I think about that, and where these kids would be without our music, there's no way I can walk away from it.

There's a certain responsibility put upon you, whether you want to admit it or not. Most of the time I try to ignore it... but it's not always possible. There are thousands of kids all over the world who look up to us, who follow our lead, who want to grow up to be just like us... stuff like that can't just be ignored and cast aside. If I walk away from it now, because I'm tired of missing my family and friends, or because the pressure feels too much I'll be a quitter. How many people want to grow up to be a quitter? I know I'd hate to idolize a quitter...

And people idolize me.

Whether I like it or not... Whether I agree with it or not, I'm an idol.

I always wanted to be famous. I always dreamt of being a huge rockstar. I wanted to be a hero to people, like the guys I grew up worshiping were to me. I had no idea it would be this tough...

"You OK, man?"

I jumped as Brian's hand clamped down on my shoulder, snapping me out of my thoughts. I turned my head to glance at him behind me, smiling slightly as I caught a glimpse of that lopsided grin he always wore. "Yeah." I nodded meekly. "Just... thinking."

He slid down into the seat opposite me, resting his forearms on the table and looking at me intently. "Looks like it," he stated. "What's the matter? I'm all ears Zacky Boy!"

Shrugging my shoulders, I pulled a face... one of those ‘forget about it' faces. "It's nothing," I told him, focusing my gaze on the shiny surface between us.

His foot connected with my shin underneath the table, making me flinch. I raised my head up with a frown as my best friend glared back at me. "Don't give me that crap," he said sternly. "If something's up, man, talk about it."

I shrugged my shoulders again, turning my head to look out of the window as another nameless road passed by. They all looked the same these days. "Homesick," I muttered.

Brian sighed sympathetically. He knew the feeling all too well. We all went through it now and again; it was inevitable. "We'll be home soon, Zee," he told me reassuringly, but it didn't help much. 'Soon' was never soon enough. When it got to the point where loneliness took over, every minute passed by like an hour in itself.

I nodded my head, still gazing out of the window and letting out a sigh. "Yeah..." I said absently. It was all I could do.

I heard him drumming his fingers on the table, a key sign that he was thinking of something. I turned my head to look at him, deep in concentration with his chin resting on the heel of his palm, fingers curled. I watched him for a few long seconds before suddenly he snapped up, slamming both his hands down on the table. "ZV PHONE HOME!"

I rolled my eyes. The deep thinking had evidently just been an act. "Thank you, Captain Obvious," I mumbled and stood from my seat. I rounded the table and started heading to the back of the bus.

He followed, repeating his words, complete with an ET-like accent. "ZV phone home! ZV phone home!"

I threw a hand over my shoulder, middle finger raised. I didn't turn to let him see that I was actually smiling at his idiocy. He never failed to cheer me up, but this was one of those times where I didn't WANT to be cheered up. I just wanted to be left to wallow in my own misery for a little while, but that was never possible with Brian around.

I dropped down onto the couch at the back of the bus, pulling the peak of my baseball cap as far down as I could without blocking out all vision. Brian stalked towards me with a stupid grin plastered on his face. "You wanna laugh, Zacky, I can tell!"

I shook my head, folding my arms across my chest but I knew I wouldn't be able to keep up the act for long. "Leave me alone, Bri," I whined half-heartedly.

"Nuh-uh," he replied, diving down beside me. "No emo-ness allowed on this bus, Vengeance," he stated matter-of-factly as he draped an arm over my shoulder. "It's in the rule book that I forgot to print."

I jabbed my elbow into his ribcage lightly and he winced, clutching his side as if I'd stabbed him. "It's not 'emo-ness'," I told him. "It's called loneliness."

Pouting, he continued to rub his side. "How can you be lonely when you've got me?" The cheesy grin returned and he yanked off my cap, putting it on his own head backwards. "I can't do the things that Gena does for you, obviously..." He shuddered. "But... I can, like... keep you company and shit."

I simply nodded. I didn't have the heart to tell him that his company – along with the other guys – was what was bothering me in a sense. It wasn't that I didn't enjoy being around them. They were all my best friends, but too much of the same people all of the time became irritating. I'm sure they all felt the same way about me on occasion. It was the way humans worked.