It's All We Know

I can see the pale orange of sunlight streaming through my window behind my eyelids. I’ve been awake for hours, unable to stop the thoughts swirling around in my head.

Today is the day. The day I find out for sure if I’ve wasted the past seventeen years dreaming of a better tomorrow, for nothing. Today is the day I find out if I have received the scholarship that I worked my ass off for.

Part of me wants to stay in bed and not find out. That part is arguing that I’ll only be disappointed if I climb out of this bed and face the world outside these dingy walls. The other, more reasonable part is persuading me to go after those dreams, to take whatever life hands me.

Giving in to the practical side of my dysfunctional brain, I begrudgingly climb out of my twin sized bed noticing that I am the only one awake in the run down bedroom that houses five other lonely castaways like me. I live in an all girls’ home.

I am an orphan. I have no knowledge of a family, if one still exists. This place has been my home since shortly after I was born. Our housemother says I was found abandoned on the doorstep to this shabby establishment. Growing up I wished for a family, much like every other girl here, but one never found me. I was the awkward, shy girl who sat in a corner with a book in my nose, hiding from the world. Couples in search of a child to call theirs never found me. No one ever asked about the girl in the corner, the one who never spoke.

That’s right. I never spoke. Not a word. Well, that’s not completely true. I only spoke to those I knew well. Anna, our housemother, and a few of the girls I had grown up with who were never placed in a home either, were the only ones I spoke to. Everyone else assumed I was mute. And I let them. I had no desire to speak to anyone who wouldn’t care for the words coming from my mouth, who didn’t plan on sticking around long enough to care.

Remaining silent throughout my childhood left plenty of room for me to be alone. I dove into books, reading about better lives, better people, and dreams upon dreams, all of which I would never experience. Literature had always been my favorite subject in school due to this interest. My lonely childhood filled with books and fairytales led me to where I am now; waiting to find out, when I leave the only place I’ve ever known when I turn eighteen, if I will have some place to go.

Anna pushed me to apply for scholarship after scholarship, claiming that I had the smarts to do anything I wished. She was the one who showed me the opportunities that were out in the world that I had shied away from my whole life. Today I would see if those opportunities really applied to me as well as every other person out there, because being the skeptic I was, I didn’t believe I was worthy of what the world had to offer.

I picked through the few items that belonged to me and me alone, dressing in the new outfit Anna had given me the day before. I was never given many things that I wasn’t expected to share, but Anna insisted that this was a gift that she bought me herself as a going away present. I slipped the green-my favorite color-and white dress over my head before sliding on the matching green flats.

The outfit was cute, but I didn’t feel comfortable in it. Not that I ever felt comfortable in anything other than worn jeans an overly worn t-shirt. I craved simplicity not elegancy, but seeing as how it was a gift from Anna, I wore it with pride.

After running a brush through my long blonde curls and applying a bit of chap stick-I did mention I liked simplicity, didn’t I-I exited the bedroom, walking down the well-known hallway towards the exit doors.

I walked the two blocks out of our neighborhood until I came upon a main road, one that harbored a subway station. I descended the stairs and boarded the car that would take me into the city and to my destination.

What was my destination, you ask. New York University, the school where I hope to one day attend. It had been my dream ever since I could remember. I wanted to study Literature. Anna had encouraged this one dream, knowing she was unable to encourage any other dream I had-meaning my dream of having a loving family other than her and the girls I was forced to live with.

I boarded the stopped train, taking a seat far away from the doors many people crowded around. I sat in my little world, my mind running wild, as I tried to silently calm my fraying nerves. I wasn’t ready to receive the verdict. I wasn’t ready to hear the truth-that I wasn’t good enough.

When the train came to a stop I raised to my feet, moving quickly to exit before the doors trapped me in. Once on the platform I paused to inhale a breath, mentally preparing myself-and willing myself-to take the first step towards the place that held my future in its hands.

I wasn’t aware of my surroundings as I walked the streets of the city. I paid no mind to passersby. My mind was in another place. It’s a good thing my feet knew where to take me because my mind couldn’t focus on anything other then what lie ahead.

In what seemed like no time at all I was standing in front of a large brick building, ominous and striking. Slowly, I pushed open the massive door, making my way down the silent hallway. I turned to my right, finding the office that I needed.

Knocking hesitantly, I took another breath as I cleared my head of all worries, temporarily allowing myself to think of anything but what might happen when that door opens. And then it did. A short older man with graying hair motioned for me to enter the confines of his office.

“You must be Abigail. I’m George Lambert. Why don’t you take a seat?”

I shook his hand when it was offered to me. “Yes. Abigail Taylor, nice to meet you,” I said, my voice small but surprisingly unshaken.

“Well, I think we should get right down to it. You’ve applied for our Literature program, correct?”

I nodded my head, which was now clouded once again with my worries and fears. This was the moment that decided it all.

Did I have a future outside the dingy walls of the all girls home? Would I have somewhere to go once I wasn’t allowed to stay there any longer? Would my hope for a better day be realized, or squashed along with any hope that this world was anything but cruel?

This was that moment.