Lavender Fog

Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning I just go out and sit. I just sit. I don't drink coffee, I don't shiver at the cold, and I don't make a peep. I just sit and watch the fog grow thick and then grow thin again. Maybe like I would have. Sometimes, when I stare at it enough it turns into the softest shade of lavender. I always thought it would have been a pretty name.

It has been five years and I still haven't quite been able to live with myself. I also still have a slight hatred for myself. How can't I though? There's a scar and an empty bed to remind me everyday. Today, I'm going out though, I told myself this year, this day, I'm not going to let it get to me.

Although, it isn't getting any easier.

"I invited a few more people." I read over the screen of my phone.

"Who?"

"Jon, Max, Kayti, Brendon, Valerie, Stormy, TJ."

His name made me freeze. It was in the middle of the message, but stuck out clearly. It annoyed me a little that he'd take the precedence to invite them. Still, I couldn't let Spencer see through me and I couldn't say no. I'd done it enough to him the last few years, I've been rejecting a lot of people from before I got it done. And Brendon, not only had I rejected him, but I ignored him. I shouldn't have.

I entered the bar, the air conditioning greeting me before a waitress could even think about it. Strolling towards my group of friends I kept my eyes glued to the floor. Happy and slightly loud hellos were given. They'd all been drinking already, I felt left behind and tense. There was one stool open, and it was next to him. My eyes trailed up from his shoes, to his plaid shirt, then to his warm face. Fidgetting with my hair and tugging on my clothes I sat down next to him.

"Hey, Ry." Brendon stated softly with a grin. It wasn't one reacting to something funny, but it was excited. The one that used to welcome me when we first met, before anything happened.

"Hi." I mumbled, feeling my body heat up in a way I hadn't expected. I had paced for hours, prepping myself for this moment- for the pain or something worse than this.

His attention was diverted as the group all laughed loudly. I was transfixed though, his face had gotten fuller, his voice even lower, but his smile still the same: boyish and cheerful. The rest of the night went on like I was on auto-pilot, everyone became raunchier with the more they consumed. Except Brendion, he was being tame. They simply ignored us and I was getting tired. Putting up acts and dealing with this strange sensation was exhausting.

Discreetly I paid for my tab and exited the building. Shoving my hand in my pocket I dug out a cigarette, something I started after I got it done. I started a lot of new things after it happened. The door opened momentarily, letting the noise from inside escape into my peacefulness outside. The person's footsteps stopped next to me and I exhaled. A puff of smoke dissipating a purple hue in the air.

"Why'd you leave?" Brendon asked with an innocent curiosity in his voice.

"You know the day and all. It was just a little much in there for me."

"Oh, I auh, see." He fidgeted with his hands, sticking them in his pockets, playing with his phone and biting his nails. "Well, we could go somewhere quieter."

"Um," I was struck.

Did I really want to see him any longer tonight? My awe of him could turn into terror, and I really was tired. It was getting harder to put up the front and forget the day. Especially since I was stupid enough to mention it out loud. Brendon stood silently, at this point anticipating a negative answer. No. I couldn't do that to people anymore, I needed to change back to what I was before. I was a better person then.

"We could get coffee or something." He suggested and urged with slight nervousness.

"Let's just go to my place." Brendon's face lit up. It bounced off the air particles and onto me. Even if I dreaded what might happened he was too contagious to ignore and not be drawn to.