Lavender Fog

Two weeks had passed. Everyday until my appointment went slower and slower. Everyday, the morning became foggier and foggier. Brendon asked for my number, but I didn't want to give it to him. I knew he'd abuse it, but not in a destructive way. So, instead I just told him I'd call when I found out. If I wasn't I didn't want to remember the fearful, twisted, joy I had last time, and if I was I didn't want to figure out what to do. So, there I was again, denying the people that cared for me.

The door swung open, and I sat up on the medical bench. Doctors always take too long, I read somewhere somebody tried to charge their doctor for the time waiting. If only. A breeze followed him as my doctor sat down.

"Mr. Ross the test do confirm you're pregnant." He didn't pause for a reaction. Even if he would of, it would have been a croak in my throat. My eyes were seconds away from joyful and heated tears. "Now, in your file it says you've been pregnant before?"

This time he did pause, and his look was skeptical and disapproving. It bugged me, I'm sure this man wasn't perfect either. Twiddling my thumbs and giving a silent nod, he chewed on his pen.

"There are several options. There's abortion, which I see, you did in the past," My heart pounded in my ears, again he was looking right through me. I felt my hands go clammy and my face hot, "If you don't like that option you can carry it to term. Only in the last three years we've learned so much more about this condition." Condition?

He swiveled out of the chair and brought out a booklet from the cabinet by the sink. The cover had a smiling woman holding her swollen belly. Nearly standing over me, my doctor began flipping through the pages.

"It is essentially the same process. Women produce eggs," I nodded and he went on, 'You have both. During your meiosis you produce both, we've discovered this is why some men are less fertile than others. The eggs making their way back to your version of uterus. During intercourse the body absorbs the sperm and fertilization occurs." His furry and worn hands flipped the page, "Which is located under your bladder. While the baby develops the uterus's location becomes more like a woman's. Of course, seeing how your hip bones don't fan out, it rides lower. You would have to give birth sooner and it'd need to be done by a Caesarian section."

"What are the risks?"

"It is like a regular pregnancy, naturally there are a few more risks. But men have had children."

The room fell silent as I stared at this animated version of what my body wasn't quite doing. My last doctor hadn't explained any of this to me. She said my body would never be able to expand like elastic, or room a child long enough comfortably. Although I'd be bitter too if I was a middle aged woman who couldn't carry a child, and in saunters a young, gawky, man. My mouth was dry. Last time I when I found out, it was a threat. Either I have an abortion, or I try to carry a child; not only risking my life but, inconveniencing everyone around as they would have had to take care of me. This time though…I couldn't stand the thought of the fog turning to clouds.

"Hey," Brendon answered his phone casually, like he wasn't waiting for the most important news of probably his year.

"I'm just calling to tell you I'm pregnant."

"O-ok? I think we should talk about this in person."

"No, it's fine." I paused my pacing and smirked. This time. This time he really didn't need to be there, and this time I knew I could do it on my own. This time, I knew I wasn't all that alone in the world, I wasn't a freak.

"Alright," His voice was so quiet it was barely audible over the traffic in the background. "Are you keeping it?"

"Yes," My legs grew weak and I had to lean on the doorway next to me, "yes I am."

"Ok, well Spencer and I are going on tour. But promise to keep me posted?"

"Sure," I agreed and then happily chewed on my smiling lip. "Anyways, I have to go."

"Yeah, I'll talk to you later?"

"Yeah."