Lavender Fog

"Jon, I have something to tell you." I said and then took a sip of my tea. We decided to meet for coffee and I couldn't wait to tell Jon the news.

"Ok, shoot."

"I'm pregnant," His face didn't fall, it just stared at me waiting for more, "again."

"So, what's going to happen? I mean with you, and us?" He motioned a circle referring to the band and the music. I shrugged and wiped up some spilled sugar on the dark table top.

"Well, I can't tour. I guess we can still make music." We nodded in unison, "Hopefully the guys won't mind."

"If they do we can just kick them out." I laughed and then our table fell silent.

It was a comfortable silence, we sat sipping our mediocre beverages, while cars and people passed slowly by the window. The sun played hide and seek behind large, fluffy, lavender clouds. Lately the hue had been getting darker. I couldn't figure out why. Although the hue may have been darkening to a shade, but I no longer felt like it would become so dark that it would eventually swallow me-- coating me, taking me down.

"…Last time?" Jon finished and then watched me waiting for an answer.

"I'm sorry what?" I took my gaze away from the painting like sky in the window.

"What did happen last time?"

"Last time?" I didn't ask like I was confused about which last time he was asking about… I was more or less asking myself what I was going to tell him.

"Brendon and Spencer told me a little, but not much. I was left out."

"Yeah sorry about that. I didn't think you'd want to get involved, it was complicated. So, I just thought you wanted to be left out."

"I was new I didn't want to over-step my boundaries."

"Oh, well. I was young-- we were young, and they didn't know much about the condition." I made a sour face, there was that word: condition. I suppose that being pregnant was a condition, it just sounded so clinical. Jon pursed his lips and nodded again.

"I see."

"That's all." Of course, not really. I didn't mention that I had felt like the biggest freak in the world, or how scared I was, or how much I wanted to be accepted by everyone. Or-- most importantly how I never posed anything Brendon. I just walked through the woods with my eyes closed hoping I would trip on any sticks.

"So, I was thinking we could change the chord in…" Jon moved the conversation forward, we didn't talk about it anymore after that.

Weirdly enough, Jon not knowing everything about me brought me closer to him. Which is why I broke off to a separate thing with him. That way I could still remain some entity of myself, but without the dread of constantly remembering what I did.