Lavender Fog

It was late, and I was dozing on the couch only waking every once and while when an obnoxiously loud commercial came on. I didn't much feel like pulling myself off the couch to get ready for bed…a bed that I'd be getting into alone. Occasionally late at night I felt lonely, tonight it felt amplified by a hundred. I reasoned it was because of the hormone changes.

Sighing, I went outside and sat. It had been a while since I had just gone outside and sat. The moon was hidden behind a thin layer of purple mist, and the grass looked like a green sea as I breeze blew over it. I shivered a little and hugged myself. Noises carried in the still night air, and I leaned back against the house to listen. The chill left goose-bumps on my skin, but the initial effect had worn off. My long arms gracefully unfolded and wrapped around my growing belly. The peaceful moment only lasted several seconds before my phone started vibrating in my pocket.

"Brendon." I answered half angrily, half surprised.

"Did I wake you up? I'm sorry, I don't know what time it is over there…"

"It's," The sweetness in his voice made the sudden rage fade quickly. A smile rose on my face, and as if he was there I tried to hide it, "Fine."

"Good, I just wanted to talk. We haven't talked in while…"

"Ok, what's up?" I bit my lip, last time when I said we talked I hadn't really meant it. I just said it just as an absent minded response.

"Well, how are you? How's the baby?"

"I'm dong fine. I have another doctor's appointment next week." I stood up and started pacing my ocean of a yard.

"Is there something wrong?"

"No, it is just a check up."

"Oh, gotcha." There was a paused and I heard a horn in the background.

"Yep," I sighed, "So, what's up with you?"

"Not much. I couldn't sleep and I didn't feel like getting my laptop out."

"Oh good, you broke the porn addiction!"

"Very funny," he chuckled, then abruptly stopped, "I'm into Asians now."

"Oh," I was speechless, Brendon always had a way of making me feel light. The grass swayed in the wind, my pant legs were wet, and my hair was tousled.

"So," He sounded nervous, "Do you think I could come to one of your appointments with you?" Another car horn blared in the background.

"You don't have to. I mean I can take care of everything…" I was talking quickly. Was he asking because he waned to? Or because he felt like he had to? Or because…I couldn't think. "Where are you anyways?"

"I'm on the bus." I stopped in my tracks and felt the damp grass on my ankles. The grass was growing quickly, I was drowning in the green sea.

He said he was on the bus. I shut my eyes and let the nighttime surroundings morph into the tour bus. The opened windows let the smell of night air and faint automobile fumes into the bus, along with the sounds of cars speeding by and crickets chirping. At nights, that's what I missed. I missed just sitting on the couch with him, being jostled to sleep by the bus. Maybe I wanted to see him, I just hadn't realized it with all the excitement. Maybe I just thought that I had to do this on my own and I didn't need or shouldn't want to see him.

I could see him, without tying him to the baby. I could see him and still do it on my own. I could see him and not feel guilty, or confused, or feel like a failure for missing someone and what I did. I used to miss people all the time. I used to have people to miss, before I pushed them all away.

"Bren," I stated quietly.

"Yeah, Ry," He answered back just as soothingly with some form of suspense in his tone.

"Can you come to just see me?"

"Su-sure." The corner of my mouth smirked. "That'd be good."