Status: Ongoing
Ain't Love Grand?
Memory
The late-night drinking and partying carried on. Though, now and again, when he saw how much it was bothering me, he'd spend a night in with me, lazily curled up on the couch watching movies, although he'd always have a beer or two then. That didn't bother me so much, because while I was there with him, it was controlled. I never let him get plastered during our nights together.
On one particular night, when I was lay with my head in his lap and he was playing with my hair, I had an idea that would maybe get through to him. "Alex," I said softly, turning a little to look up at him. "Do you remember that girl who said you saved her life?"
Alex paused for a second, then continued running his fingers through my hair as he nodded slowly. "Yeah, I do." He smiled lightly at the memory.
I smiled as well, sighing lightly at how relaxed his touch made me. "How did that make you feel?" I asked, sounding curious, although I was reasonably sure of what his answer would be.
He leaned his head back, smiling a little wider. "It... made me feel good.. Very proud of what I'm doing." He glanced down at me. "Why do you ask?"
I shrugged a shoulder and pursed my lips a little, rolling my eyes down and breaking the eye-contact we held. "Just... wondering." I sighed. "I wonder if she'd feel the same way about you... now."
He tensed up, raising an eyebrow, and looked back down at me. "Now..? What do you mean.. now?" He sat up straighter, chewing his lip.
"Now you're... so careless and reckless." I knew I was entering dangerous territory, and I didn't want to start a fight, but I just wanted to try and make him see. "Sometimes it's like... you're a different person."
He got silent, chewing his lip a bit harder. He was obviously thinking about my words. He didn't say anything and I blinked up at him. "I'm not... trying to hurt you or degrade you or anything. I love you to death and you know that but sometimes I feel like you're not... my Alex anymore."
Blinking slowly, he swallowed thickly, looking down, and he ran his fingers through my hair again, still silent. I pressed on. "It's just... when I think back, to special moments and good times and memories that we'll never forget, it hurts sometimes, to look at where we are now." I frowned at my wording, wondering if I was making any sense. "I'm not saying that I'm not happy, because I am, I just... I don't know. I want us to have another memory. One that's good, and doesn't revolve around drinking or fighting."
He blinked again, and looked away, eyes welling up with tears. He finally spoke, saying quietly. "I'm sorry..." He inhaled deeply and shakily. "I'm sorry I've been so awful.."
I looked at him and felt like a complete bitch. Was I being too harsh? I just wanted him to understand. Sitting up, I took his face in my hands and kissed him on the lips. "No, you haven't, Alex," I told him, looking into his eyes. "You just... have a problem. And I want to stop it before it gets any worse."
He pressed his lips to mine, and pressed his forehead against mine, closing his eyes tightly, trying not to burst into tears. "You're right.. I do have a problem. You're absolutely fucking right."
"I love you, Alex," I told him, shakily, and trying not to cry myself. "I don't want to lose you to the alcohol. I don't want a memory of us having a huge fight over something stupid and that being the end of us. I want every day with you to be a memory I can smile upon."
"I love you, too" he whispered. Opening his eyes, he glanced up at me, tears threatening to fall. "Help me, Leese.. Please."
I clung to him tightly, pulling his head down onto my shoulder. "I will, Alex. I promise." I wasn't going to give up on him, no matter how hard it got sometimes. I kissed the side of his head, rubbing his back. "I'm here for you. We'll get you through this."
On one particular night, when I was lay with my head in his lap and he was playing with my hair, I had an idea that would maybe get through to him. "Alex," I said softly, turning a little to look up at him. "Do you remember that girl who said you saved her life?"
Alex paused for a second, then continued running his fingers through my hair as he nodded slowly. "Yeah, I do." He smiled lightly at the memory.
I smiled as well, sighing lightly at how relaxed his touch made me. "How did that make you feel?" I asked, sounding curious, although I was reasonably sure of what his answer would be.
He leaned his head back, smiling a little wider. "It... made me feel good.. Very proud of what I'm doing." He glanced down at me. "Why do you ask?"
I shrugged a shoulder and pursed my lips a little, rolling my eyes down and breaking the eye-contact we held. "Just... wondering." I sighed. "I wonder if she'd feel the same way about you... now."
He tensed up, raising an eyebrow, and looked back down at me. "Now..? What do you mean.. now?" He sat up straighter, chewing his lip.
"Now you're... so careless and reckless." I knew I was entering dangerous territory, and I didn't want to start a fight, but I just wanted to try and make him see. "Sometimes it's like... you're a different person."
He got silent, chewing his lip a bit harder. He was obviously thinking about my words. He didn't say anything and I blinked up at him. "I'm not... trying to hurt you or degrade you or anything. I love you to death and you know that but sometimes I feel like you're not... my Alex anymore."
Blinking slowly, he swallowed thickly, looking down, and he ran his fingers through my hair again, still silent. I pressed on. "It's just... when I think back, to special moments and good times and memories that we'll never forget, it hurts sometimes, to look at where we are now." I frowned at my wording, wondering if I was making any sense. "I'm not saying that I'm not happy, because I am, I just... I don't know. I want us to have another memory. One that's good, and doesn't revolve around drinking or fighting."
He blinked again, and looked away, eyes welling up with tears. He finally spoke, saying quietly. "I'm sorry..." He inhaled deeply and shakily. "I'm sorry I've been so awful.."
I looked at him and felt like a complete bitch. Was I being too harsh? I just wanted him to understand. Sitting up, I took his face in my hands and kissed him on the lips. "No, you haven't, Alex," I told him, looking into his eyes. "You just... have a problem. And I want to stop it before it gets any worse."
He pressed his lips to mine, and pressed his forehead against mine, closing his eyes tightly, trying not to burst into tears. "You're right.. I do have a problem. You're absolutely fucking right."
"I love you, Alex," I told him, shakily, and trying not to cry myself. "I don't want to lose you to the alcohol. I don't want a memory of us having a huge fight over something stupid and that being the end of us. I want every day with you to be a memory I can smile upon."
"I love you, too" he whispered. Opening his eyes, he glanced up at me, tears threatening to fall. "Help me, Leese.. Please."
I clung to him tightly, pulling his head down onto my shoulder. "I will, Alex. I promise." I wasn't going to give up on him, no matter how hard it got sometimes. I kissed the side of his head, rubbing his back. "I'm here for you. We'll get you through this."