Status: Ongoing
Ain't Love Grand?
Hug Me
Just as he'd promised, he tried. It wasn't easy by any means; it was probably even harder than the first time, on both of us. The shakes, the cold sweats, the aches and pains were back, tenfold. Time and time again I told him that he needed more help... professional help. He refused point blank. He got himself into the mess and he wanted to get himself out of it. It killed me to see him that way, so we came to a little agreement. I told him he could have a drink, as long as I was around... to stop him having too much and getting wasted every night. There was no way he could just QUIT like that. We needed to do it slowly. I had the patience to help him through it, because I loved him and I wanted him to get better.
We worked out a pattern. One day with a couple of drinks, and nothing the next day. A day on and a day off. It felt so wrong and so cruel, like I was controlling his life... but I knew I had to step in and help establish some kind of routine before the alcohol destroyed his life completely. I felt like a babysitter. I wouldn't let him out of my sight and I think that made it harder on both of us. It became less of a relationship between lovers and more like a doctor and patient kind of thing.
As much as it killed me to admit it, I didn't trust him. I couldn't possibly trust him completely after the last time. One little slip was all it took to send him spiralling out of control again and I didn't want it to get to a point of no return. He'd shoved me the last time I'd confronted him. What if he took it further the next? Alex wasn't abusive by any means. He'd NEVER laid a hand on me, but the alcohol made him unpredictable.
Drinking in moderation seemed to be working for him. It eased the withdrawal, but part of me knew it was kind of wrong. As long as he was still getting a drink, it was going to put him off wanting to get off the sauce for good, but I just couldn't bear seeing him hurting so much. He seemed happier in himself, too... but I wondered how long it would last. The moment I told him "no more" for good, or refused to let him go out with his friends, the game would be up. Not that I was intentionally playing any kind of game... I was just trying to help my boyfriend as best I could.
He'd already gone through three bottles of beer when he looked at me and asked for another. I sighed, thinking it over in my head. I was comfortably curled on the couch beside him with my head on his chest, his free arm loosely wrapped around me. "Not tonight, Alex," I told him quietly. "You've had enough for tonight, babe."
I felt him take a big gulp, but he reluctantly nodded his head and turned his attention to the television as he ran his fingers absently up and down my arm. "I'm not getting better, am I?" I raised my head to look at him, but he kept his gaze firmly on the TV screen. "Not really. I'm still drinking. This is just... a different way of doing it."
"But you're not getting drunk," I reasoned with a shrug, "and that's a big step in the beginning. You're not drinking EVERY night, either. You're getting better, Alex. It's just... a slow process." I offered him a smile, even though he wasn't looking at me, and curled up closer to him, snaking my arm over his stomach.
"If you weren't here, though..." He sighed. "If you weren't controlling what I can and can't have, nothing would be any different. If you weren't here right now, nothing would stop me from getting another bottle, and another, and then another... and a part of me just wants to get up and do that anyway."
I wrapped my arm tighter around him, reminding him that I WAS there. "But you're not going to do that, Alex," I told him. "You've admitted you have a problem and you're listening to me. You're doing well. You're resisting that temptation and eventually, it'll disappear."
His head shook and he leaned back further against the couch, looking up at the ceiling for a couple of seconds before closing his eyes. "You don't know what it feels like, Leese. It's horrible. All I want to do is drink. Sometimes I just want you to... disappear."
I blinked up at him, swallowing hard. That hurt. "You... want me to go?"
"NO." His eyes snapped open and he looked down at me. "No, I don't want you to go. I love you, I just... I'm telling you how I feel. If you weren't here, I could do what I want. That's how weak I am, Leese, I just want... to drink. With nothing to stop me."
"And I'm telling you that you'll get over feeling that way," I sighed, resting my head back on his chest. "Just... keep trying. Don't push me away and we'll be fine."
"This is hurting you too, isn't it?"
I nodded and said nothing.
"It's killing you," he went on, knowing the truth. "I'm sorry."
I sniffled and shook my head, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath. "Just... hug me, Alex. Let me know that you're here and you're not going anywhere. Just hold me like you're never gonna let go... things will be okay... for both of us."
He shifted, pulling me up and wrapping his arms tightly around me. I returned his embrace, burying my face into his shoulder and clinging to him like it was the last time I was ever going to be able to touch him. "I love you," I whispered, and I'm not even sure he heard it... but I had to say it, to remind myself why I was still there.
We worked out a pattern. One day with a couple of drinks, and nothing the next day. A day on and a day off. It felt so wrong and so cruel, like I was controlling his life... but I knew I had to step in and help establish some kind of routine before the alcohol destroyed his life completely. I felt like a babysitter. I wouldn't let him out of my sight and I think that made it harder on both of us. It became less of a relationship between lovers and more like a doctor and patient kind of thing.
As much as it killed me to admit it, I didn't trust him. I couldn't possibly trust him completely after the last time. One little slip was all it took to send him spiralling out of control again and I didn't want it to get to a point of no return. He'd shoved me the last time I'd confronted him. What if he took it further the next? Alex wasn't abusive by any means. He'd NEVER laid a hand on me, but the alcohol made him unpredictable.
Drinking in moderation seemed to be working for him. It eased the withdrawal, but part of me knew it was kind of wrong. As long as he was still getting a drink, it was going to put him off wanting to get off the sauce for good, but I just couldn't bear seeing him hurting so much. He seemed happier in himself, too... but I wondered how long it would last. The moment I told him "no more" for good, or refused to let him go out with his friends, the game would be up. Not that I was intentionally playing any kind of game... I was just trying to help my boyfriend as best I could.
He'd already gone through three bottles of beer when he looked at me and asked for another. I sighed, thinking it over in my head. I was comfortably curled on the couch beside him with my head on his chest, his free arm loosely wrapped around me. "Not tonight, Alex," I told him quietly. "You've had enough for tonight, babe."
I felt him take a big gulp, but he reluctantly nodded his head and turned his attention to the television as he ran his fingers absently up and down my arm. "I'm not getting better, am I?" I raised my head to look at him, but he kept his gaze firmly on the TV screen. "Not really. I'm still drinking. This is just... a different way of doing it."
"But you're not getting drunk," I reasoned with a shrug, "and that's a big step in the beginning. You're not drinking EVERY night, either. You're getting better, Alex. It's just... a slow process." I offered him a smile, even though he wasn't looking at me, and curled up closer to him, snaking my arm over his stomach.
"If you weren't here, though..." He sighed. "If you weren't controlling what I can and can't have, nothing would be any different. If you weren't here right now, nothing would stop me from getting another bottle, and another, and then another... and a part of me just wants to get up and do that anyway."
I wrapped my arm tighter around him, reminding him that I WAS there. "But you're not going to do that, Alex," I told him. "You've admitted you have a problem and you're listening to me. You're doing well. You're resisting that temptation and eventually, it'll disappear."
His head shook and he leaned back further against the couch, looking up at the ceiling for a couple of seconds before closing his eyes. "You don't know what it feels like, Leese. It's horrible. All I want to do is drink. Sometimes I just want you to... disappear."
I blinked up at him, swallowing hard. That hurt. "You... want me to go?"
"NO." His eyes snapped open and he looked down at me. "No, I don't want you to go. I love you, I just... I'm telling you how I feel. If you weren't here, I could do what I want. That's how weak I am, Leese, I just want... to drink. With nothing to stop me."
"And I'm telling you that you'll get over feeling that way," I sighed, resting my head back on his chest. "Just... keep trying. Don't push me away and we'll be fine."
"This is hurting you too, isn't it?"
I nodded and said nothing.
"It's killing you," he went on, knowing the truth. "I'm sorry."
I sniffled and shook my head, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath. "Just... hug me, Alex. Let me know that you're here and you're not going anywhere. Just hold me like you're never gonna let go... things will be okay... for both of us."
He shifted, pulling me up and wrapping his arms tightly around me. I returned his embrace, burying my face into his shoulder and clinging to him like it was the last time I was ever going to be able to touch him. "I love you," I whispered, and I'm not even sure he heard it... but I had to say it, to remind myself why I was still there.