I Was Just Looking For A Way Out...

You know, everyone always talks about how they’ve had these life defining moments, these moments that apperntly changed everything. Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating, but you still hear it if you actually listen. The homeless crackhead gets arrested and decides he’s going to try and get clean, the parents can’t find baby and suddenly they’re more nurturing. There’s always a level of lie and exaggeration to these stories, but there’s always some level of change happening too. There's also some fatal flaw, some horrible mistake, there's something that needs to be fixed. It’s not happening in a day, it’s not just a trip to the movies, it just scares, inspires, or motivates you to think of it every once in awhile, just enough for you to make some conscious decision based on it. Oh the drama is just delicious.

Well I guess what I'm trying to get at is, I’ve never really had that. The single most life defining moment in my life was probably when I realized that if I stick in my hand in fire it burns. If anything I’ve been changed by a lack of change. I’ve been surprised by the lack of surprise, found anguish in the complete lack of anguish. So I’m pretty much as big a drama queen as you can imagine.

Not that I’m saying I’ve never been tested, not that I never passed a test I was given; I just never learned anything. It's like trying to go back to 2nd grade and learn something. When you face an ordeal you kind of expect some kind of reward, not the status quo.

The same way I kind of expected to be a lot more frantic at this point, not quietly rationalizing. I mean shouldn't I be breathing heavily? Shouldn't I be pacing back and forth, muttering to myself? Shouldn't I be doing pretty much anything but leaning on the fucking railing wondering if I should treat myself to Starbucks before I die? Well my hands are sweaty; I guess that’s a start.

Yea, a mocha sounds good, I can just come back and finish it... My life that is.