I Was Just Looking For A Way Out...
Chapter 20
It’s not like I don’t like Tammy or Eric. I do, I really do. I mean Eric’s been my best friend since 2nd grade. Tammy? Just trust me… I really, really, like Tammy. Tamera… the stupid name I still call out in my sleep.
They step through the door, smiling and holding hands. Holding fucking hands, how could I not want to stab him in the heart?
We date for a year and then she kisses him, by accident apperntly. Then she dumps me for him. My best friend. The thing is, I’m still both of their friends… They’re my best friends, but I’m just a friend to them. I feel like I’m giving a lot more then I take, I’m just a third wheel. As the third wheel I get the pleasure of hearing about ever first from Eric: the first date, the first kiss, the first fuck, all of it.
Nothings greater then your best friend fucking the girl you love. Even better is hearing about it in vivid detail. All I ever got were a few make-out sessions and some cuddle time.
You know; don’t care if alls fair in love and war, I had dibs! I liked her before that summer she magically got hotter, and I liked her after.
Now… It’s more of a mix of love and hate, and disgust… for the both of them.
“Hey will.” She says in that nice soft tone that means she’s afraid of me or something. Like I’m going to snap and try to drink her sweet sweet neck blood.
“Whatsup man?” Eric says and holds out his hand for me to slap. I think about it for a second before I actually hit it.
“Hey.” I say as they sit down. “So do you guys come here often?” I smile after it comes out, I don’t want to.. but I have to swallow my pride and spit out the stupid joke. There’s no way I can just turn my back on them or anything near as major as that. I’m just not strong enough.
“Totally.” Eric says and laughs, his stupid little gold chain glinting as it catches the light. He’s a good friend, bit I still never got what she see’s in him, and I kind of want to hit him. Actually, not to be a bad friend myself or anything, but I wouldn’t call what he did getting my back.
I mean, he took Tammy, the one bright light in my miserable black, shithole existence, and turned that light into the headlight of an oncoming train. My savior turned into my executor.
You know, not to be melodramatic or anything.
And I know love is supposed to be unconditional and everlasting and beautiful and romantic… but that just hasn’t proven true. Fuck Eric. Fuck Tammy. Fuck love. Fuck happily ever after. Seriously, just fuck happy.
Thinking about it… what’s the point of being labeled crazy if you can’t use it once in awhile? They’re tiptoeing around my feelings with soft voices and careful words because they think I’m going to snap or something… So why don’t I?
“Fuck!” I scream it. After a 30 second pause, and that’s what I scream as loud as my lungs can go without actually warming up. It’s what I’m thinking. “What the fuck is wrong with you!? Do you just hate me or what!?” I yell.
“What!?” Tammy asks, falling back startled, almost tipping her chair over. I kind of wish she had, I would have laughed.
“You have to look so perfect and happy even now hen I’m in here and you know that I’m not!?” and I storm away, back to my room, their faces were shocked and their mouths were wide open. Anything’s better then they’re stupid little smiles…
I’m sitting on my bed, and even though I know it’s been ten or fifteen minutes I’m still fuming. Jeremiah tentatively walks in and stands in the door way. I guess he had to have heard; if I hadn’t walked away by free will I would have been dragged off. I think I saw Emily in the visitors room actually.
“How you doing” he asks, his voice smooth and careful. The exact calming tone everybody else failed to get before. I wait 10 or 20 seconds, I don’t know if it’s because I don’t want to talk or I want this to be dramatic.
“I need a fucking cigarette.” It’s all I can manage to my myself say… and seriously, I’ve only smoked like four times. But my perfect, gay roommate or guardian angel, I still haven’t decided, let’s just say friend… Well he pulls out a full pack of the cancer inducing life preservers and says,
“Then let’s talk outside for a second.”
They step through the door, smiling and holding hands. Holding fucking hands, how could I not want to stab him in the heart?
We date for a year and then she kisses him, by accident apperntly. Then she dumps me for him. My best friend. The thing is, I’m still both of their friends… They’re my best friends, but I’m just a friend to them. I feel like I’m giving a lot more then I take, I’m just a third wheel. As the third wheel I get the pleasure of hearing about ever first from Eric: the first date, the first kiss, the first fuck, all of it.
Nothings greater then your best friend fucking the girl you love. Even better is hearing about it in vivid detail. All I ever got were a few make-out sessions and some cuddle time.
You know; don’t care if alls fair in love and war, I had dibs! I liked her before that summer she magically got hotter, and I liked her after.
Now… It’s more of a mix of love and hate, and disgust… for the both of them.
“Hey will.” She says in that nice soft tone that means she’s afraid of me or something. Like I’m going to snap and try to drink her sweet sweet neck blood.
“Whatsup man?” Eric says and holds out his hand for me to slap. I think about it for a second before I actually hit it.
“Hey.” I say as they sit down. “So do you guys come here often?” I smile after it comes out, I don’t want to.. but I have to swallow my pride and spit out the stupid joke. There’s no way I can just turn my back on them or anything near as major as that. I’m just not strong enough.
“Totally.” Eric says and laughs, his stupid little gold chain glinting as it catches the light. He’s a good friend, bit I still never got what she see’s in him, and I kind of want to hit him. Actually, not to be a bad friend myself or anything, but I wouldn’t call what he did getting my back.
I mean, he took Tammy, the one bright light in my miserable black, shithole existence, and turned that light into the headlight of an oncoming train. My savior turned into my executor.
You know, not to be melodramatic or anything.
And I know love is supposed to be unconditional and everlasting and beautiful and romantic… but that just hasn’t proven true. Fuck Eric. Fuck Tammy. Fuck love. Fuck happily ever after. Seriously, just fuck happy.
Thinking about it… what’s the point of being labeled crazy if you can’t use it once in awhile? They’re tiptoeing around my feelings with soft voices and careful words because they think I’m going to snap or something… So why don’t I?
“Fuck!” I scream it. After a 30 second pause, and that’s what I scream as loud as my lungs can go without actually warming up. It’s what I’m thinking. “What the fuck is wrong with you!? Do you just hate me or what!?” I yell.
“What!?” Tammy asks, falling back startled, almost tipping her chair over. I kind of wish she had, I would have laughed.
“You have to look so perfect and happy even now hen I’m in here and you know that I’m not!?” and I storm away, back to my room, their faces were shocked and their mouths were wide open. Anything’s better then they’re stupid little smiles…
I’m sitting on my bed, and even though I know it’s been ten or fifteen minutes I’m still fuming. Jeremiah tentatively walks in and stands in the door way. I guess he had to have heard; if I hadn’t walked away by free will I would have been dragged off. I think I saw Emily in the visitors room actually.
“How you doing” he asks, his voice smooth and careful. The exact calming tone everybody else failed to get before. I wait 10 or 20 seconds, I don’t know if it’s because I don’t want to talk or I want this to be dramatic.
“I need a fucking cigarette.” It’s all I can manage to my myself say… and seriously, I’ve only smoked like four times. But my perfect, gay roommate or guardian angel, I still haven’t decided, let’s just say friend… Well he pulls out a full pack of the cancer inducing life preservers and says,
“Then let’s talk outside for a second.”