I Was Just Looking For A Way Out...
Chapter 21
The hospital has a little outside activity area. It’s a lot like a prison really, all blacktop and electrical fences. It’s got a basketball court and a couple of tough looking criminals standing in groups, as this is really a fucking mental hospital where people get sentences and we do share the outside area with the kindergartners and killers alike. All it’s really missing are a few benches… but they do have a place for hopscotch and foursquare so that’s nice.
Jeremiah and I are walking around in the cold winter air; you can see your breath before you add a lit cigarette to the equation so were pretty much sending smoke signals.
“So what was up with that?” Jeremiah asks after a long drag on his cig.
“Oh… Uhmmmm. Well I guess I’m here for a reason.” I say and laugh, letting out a fair bit of smoke.”
He’s out here in a perfect fitting leather jacket, like the picture of cool… and I have a somewhat stretched out purpose sweatshirt with these weird headphones built into the hood tightener, which sound cool until you use them look like a total douche; so there’s a pretty big gap in ‘cool’ between us.
“Well I’d hope you aren’t here on vacation.” He says and takes another drag, “but why flip out and why on them?” he chokes that part a little and exhales the smoke. :”Sorry if I’m like, invading, but it helps to talk. Also cigs are hard to get in here so you kind of owe me.” He smiles.
I take a little puff, and then a long inhale so that my lungs fill with this life shortening miracle calmer. “It’s just like…” I say and stop, “Me and her used to date…” I stop again, open my mouth, but say nothing for a second. “And me and him used to be best friends… and I really liked her… and then she and he…” I stop and make my hands make out. He silently stares and laughs a little. Then I poke out my index finger on my right hand and form a hold with my other index and thumb and make them do the dirty.
For those of you who don’t know, that’s the universal sign for sex.
This shouldn’t be so god damn hard.
“Ah, that makes a bit more sense.” He says quietly.
“Yeah.” I say and laugh a little, “You know the worst part? I’ve stayed really good friends with them, both of them, up until that.” I laugh again, only a little sadder and more out of self pity this time. “So I just figured if I have to be in this amazing wonderland AND have everyone know I’m bat shit crazy anyway; I deserve a little freak-out, right?” I turn and smile at him, genuine and friendly. Because this is what I need, a friend I can actually talk to, share with. I feel like he actually gets me or something; it’s just a little sad that the only way I can find someone to get me is to be admitted.
“So then… you went out with this Tammy chick… which means your straight?” He asks and smiles devilishly.
“Bisexual actually.” I smile and take another long drag on my cigarette, which is by now nearing the filter as we approach the electric fence. It’s a Marlboro, never tried one before, it tastes pretty decent. “Although the gay part of that is a little in the closet. You know hush hush, let dad think he’ll be a grandpa.” I say and laugh, Jeremiah does too.
We turn and walk along the edge of the fence. I shiver a little bit… I really should have brought a warmer jacket.
“Depression by the way.” I say quietly. “It’s why I’m here. I tried to kill myself. I say and pull up the sleeve of my jacket to show the scabbed of sluts on my wrist, whose band aids I removed for showering convenience. They really do look pretty gnarly.
“Damn…” He says to himself. “same here… I mean I didn’t actually try to kill myself, I went to the hospital when I was thinking about it. I only got here a day before you.” He says in that smooth pitch and mellow tone, a little lower and quieter then usual.
Were both staring down now... talking but not really bothering to look at each other. Almost like the gravity of the words is keeping either one of us from being able to lift our heads.
“I mean… it’s just like to fucking much to handle.” I say quietly, “I mean, I can’t imagine myself making it past my 20’s. I just see myself drinking myself to sleep every night until I finally drive off the side of a bridge.” I’m really quiet now when I say it… I’ve never actually said any of this out loud; just thought it ever day of my fucking life.
“Holy shit…” Jeremiah says, and he drops the old cigarette that’s burned through and lights another one. I dropped mine a few feet back. He gives me another and I suck on it as he places the bright orange flame of his light under it.
“I mean, and you add all of this on to all of this school shit, and all of this pressure to get into a good college, so you can get a degree, and get a good job, and live above the poverty line and drive a nice car, and live this perfect life I’m programmed to want. I mean it’s so much pressure; what ever happened to enjoying your childhood? As much as I see myself blue and dead in some shitty rental car at the bottom of some polluted green lake, I still want that picture I see where I’m 40, fat, and balding with someone I love and some kids that love me.” I’m out of breathe by the time I finish, but I still inhale deep into my cigarette desire the urge to pant I’m denying myself.
There’s a slice; I can’t tell if it’s 30 seconds or 30 minutes, but after saying all that I’m not going to be the one to break it.
“Well if you go gay, don’t be counting too hard on those kids.” Jeremiah says, finally breaking the silence and laughing.
I guess that’s it for the serious talk. It was wonderful while it lasted anyway.
“Pfffft.” I say in a fake disbelief, “Well I’d adopt, duh! I mean do you think Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie had that United Nations meeting running around their back yard on their own!?” I ask and laugh.
Jeremiah laughs and says, “nice… nice. Hollywood star references, your well on your way to becoming a fully fledged homo!” Jeremiah says and laughs again.
We approach the building and both put out our half smoked cigarettes, and carefully restore the precious commodities back to their shining white and red case.
“Dude are you hungry?” Jeremiah asks.
I’m not, at all, but for him I’m willing to pretend. “Starved.” I say as I smell the crappy cafeteria food wafting through the warm air blowing out of the shining steel ventilation system.
Jeremiah and I are walking around in the cold winter air; you can see your breath before you add a lit cigarette to the equation so were pretty much sending smoke signals.
“So what was up with that?” Jeremiah asks after a long drag on his cig.
“Oh… Uhmmmm. Well I guess I’m here for a reason.” I say and laugh, letting out a fair bit of smoke.”
He’s out here in a perfect fitting leather jacket, like the picture of cool… and I have a somewhat stretched out purpose sweatshirt with these weird headphones built into the hood tightener, which sound cool until you use them look like a total douche; so there’s a pretty big gap in ‘cool’ between us.
“Well I’d hope you aren’t here on vacation.” He says and takes another drag, “but why flip out and why on them?” he chokes that part a little and exhales the smoke. :”Sorry if I’m like, invading, but it helps to talk. Also cigs are hard to get in here so you kind of owe me.” He smiles.
I take a little puff, and then a long inhale so that my lungs fill with this life shortening miracle calmer. “It’s just like…” I say and stop, “Me and her used to date…” I stop again, open my mouth, but say nothing for a second. “And me and him used to be best friends… and I really liked her… and then she and he…” I stop and make my hands make out. He silently stares and laughs a little. Then I poke out my index finger on my right hand and form a hold with my other index and thumb and make them do the dirty.
For those of you who don’t know, that’s the universal sign for sex.
This shouldn’t be so god damn hard.
“Ah, that makes a bit more sense.” He says quietly.
“Yeah.” I say and laugh a little, “You know the worst part? I’ve stayed really good friends with them, both of them, up until that.” I laugh again, only a little sadder and more out of self pity this time. “So I just figured if I have to be in this amazing wonderland AND have everyone know I’m bat shit crazy anyway; I deserve a little freak-out, right?” I turn and smile at him, genuine and friendly. Because this is what I need, a friend I can actually talk to, share with. I feel like he actually gets me or something; it’s just a little sad that the only way I can find someone to get me is to be admitted.
“So then… you went out with this Tammy chick… which means your straight?” He asks and smiles devilishly.
“Bisexual actually.” I smile and take another long drag on my cigarette, which is by now nearing the filter as we approach the electric fence. It’s a Marlboro, never tried one before, it tastes pretty decent. “Although the gay part of that is a little in the closet. You know hush hush, let dad think he’ll be a grandpa.” I say and laugh, Jeremiah does too.
We turn and walk along the edge of the fence. I shiver a little bit… I really should have brought a warmer jacket.
“Depression by the way.” I say quietly. “It’s why I’m here. I tried to kill myself. I say and pull up the sleeve of my jacket to show the scabbed of sluts on my wrist, whose band aids I removed for showering convenience. They really do look pretty gnarly.
“Damn…” He says to himself. “same here… I mean I didn’t actually try to kill myself, I went to the hospital when I was thinking about it. I only got here a day before you.” He says in that smooth pitch and mellow tone, a little lower and quieter then usual.
Were both staring down now... talking but not really bothering to look at each other. Almost like the gravity of the words is keeping either one of us from being able to lift our heads.
“I mean… it’s just like to fucking much to handle.” I say quietly, “I mean, I can’t imagine myself making it past my 20’s. I just see myself drinking myself to sleep every night until I finally drive off the side of a bridge.” I’m really quiet now when I say it… I’ve never actually said any of this out loud; just thought it ever day of my fucking life.
“Holy shit…” Jeremiah says, and he drops the old cigarette that’s burned through and lights another one. I dropped mine a few feet back. He gives me another and I suck on it as he places the bright orange flame of his light under it.
“I mean, and you add all of this on to all of this school shit, and all of this pressure to get into a good college, so you can get a degree, and get a good job, and live above the poverty line and drive a nice car, and live this perfect life I’m programmed to want. I mean it’s so much pressure; what ever happened to enjoying your childhood? As much as I see myself blue and dead in some shitty rental car at the bottom of some polluted green lake, I still want that picture I see where I’m 40, fat, and balding with someone I love and some kids that love me.” I’m out of breathe by the time I finish, but I still inhale deep into my cigarette desire the urge to pant I’m denying myself.
There’s a slice; I can’t tell if it’s 30 seconds or 30 minutes, but after saying all that I’m not going to be the one to break it.
“Well if you go gay, don’t be counting too hard on those kids.” Jeremiah says, finally breaking the silence and laughing.
I guess that’s it for the serious talk. It was wonderful while it lasted anyway.
“Pfffft.” I say in a fake disbelief, “Well I’d adopt, duh! I mean do you think Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie had that United Nations meeting running around their back yard on their own!?” I ask and laugh.
Jeremiah laughs and says, “nice… nice. Hollywood star references, your well on your way to becoming a fully fledged homo!” Jeremiah says and laughs again.
We approach the building and both put out our half smoked cigarettes, and carefully restore the precious commodities back to their shining white and red case.
“Dude are you hungry?” Jeremiah asks.
I’m not, at all, but for him I’m willing to pretend. “Starved.” I say as I smell the crappy cafeteria food wafting through the warm air blowing out of the shining steel ventilation system.
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Yea... it's a longey