The Way You Lived Your Life

I couldn't put my finger on what I did wrong, or what my mom could have done wrong. There was obviously something we weren't understanding, but with what we were left with, all we could muster up is that we did something. My mom and I didn't have to discuss anything to know that was how we were both feeling.

Instead, she nodded as I stared at her blankly, knowing I was wanting to leave the room, and I didn't want to stay and talk about it. There was nothing to say.

In my head, I played it over and over again, Mike walking out. It hurt my feelings, but I wasn't going to cry; I wasn't going to mope around. He wasn't really even a friend yet, so I knew I had no excuse to let it get to me as much.

At least it didn't get to me until the next day. He never showed up at school. It made me feel worse, more sad, but I couldn't show it. I just met him, so I really had no reason to be so upset. I just couldn't help but to feel more lonely, now that I couldn't be friends with the one person I finally wanted to trust.

Even though I knew shouldn't have had a hard time with it, I knew I was going to. Casting myself out like a misfit wasn't easy, even if it was my own choice. Mike just seemed like he was in the same boat as me, so I thought we'd be great friends. Knowing he wants nothing to do with me now only made me feel so much worse, just because of how wrong I was.

I've always hated being wrong, even if I was a good sport and could admit my mistakes. Judging someone, in the best way, only to find out you were wrong is different though. I wanted nothing than to walk up to Mike and have a serious talk as to why he was 'too cool for school', and 'too cool for friends'.

I couldn't help but think it was all a charade...

All day I had time to just sit and think about the same thing. It was great inspiration for songs, but I didn't want to write one, only to be wrong about Mike again. For some reason I was wrong about him twice, in such a short amount of time.

I just couldn't wrap my head around why he had to leave instead of simply turning down my mom's offer. He just up and left, without a word, and didn't show up to school the next day. If I were to have talked to anyone about it, I know they would have told me to just drop it- I was already beginning to see that he probably wouldn't be coming back.

Mike did tell my mom that he was thinking of how he was going to be kicked out of school, but maybe what he meant was that he was really thinking of just quitting. Maybe something really set his mind off with the whole homeless thing, or how I caused a silent scene in his car, so I couldn't help but to feel it was my fault. It didn't add up, but until I could find the real answers, I'd just put the blame on myself.

He was obviously giving up on his life, probably in others ways I didn't even know, but I did see that he wasn't going to continue going to school. I knew I wasn't going to see him again, and I just had to let go of hope that we were going to be best friends.

All I wanted is someone to be able to hang out with, without being accused of 'seeing' that person. When 80 and I hung out all the time, rumors were spreading quickly around the school that we were together. At the time I wished it was true, but when I saw her reactions to the rumors, I knew. Her and I would never be more than friends, and because of that, it made it hard to hang out with her as often as I used to.

That left me where I was, a loner kid who did nothing all day but write silly songs and lyrics. A loner kid who had hope of making a new friend...

I took the bus home. I didn't want to, but I knew I wouldn't find what I was expecting. I was hoping to see Mike's car in the parking lot, waiting for me. But when I didn't see the blue car, it was the biggest sign telling me, "Forget it."

As much as I wanted to, I'm sure my mind would have a hard time just forgetting the 'new kid' who walked into my life, decided to only talk to me, then leave. Yea, it wasn't an easy task for me.

The only thing I could seem to do was sit in my room, holding Blue, strumming random chords, making songs, with no intentions to remember any of them. It passed the time, and it brought my thoughts to a slowing point. Music was, and always has been the air that I breathe, and one of the only things to calm me.

I didn't leave my room though. My mom knew Mike didn't show up at school, and she asked no further questions. I could tell she wanted to, but she let me stay in my room all day after I got home from school. She called me down for dinner, but she never came to get me when I didn't go down. I'm sure her 'lover' wasn't too fond of that.

I could care less about dinner though. It wouldn't be the end of the world. All I really needed that night was alone time, and a lot of my guitar and favorite songs to surround me. In the end, I guess I needed sleep too.

I woke up around six in the morning, for some reason, and Blue was right next to me. I obviously fell asleep while playing my guitar, but I couldn't remember falling asleep. The last thing I remembered was playing guitar, quietly singing to the song I was playing. It didn't have a name, but I knew it was about Mike somehow.

I dreamed about Mike that night. In my dream, he died. It was after he hugged me and told me goodbye. He had a sad look on his face as he walked away from me, and got into his car. I stayed put in the driveway, and watched him drive off. Before he made it to the main road, another car came, unexpectedly, and hit right into the side of his car. I could see it all go down, but all I could do was turn away and pretend he was still driving. I didn't get to see what happened after, because I woke up, but I knew it had to have been telling me something.

Once again, I was worried about Mike. At least it was Saturday, and I didn't have to spend the day at school thinking on it. Instead, I could bum around my house all day, acting like I couldn't have a care in the world, while my siblings were off with their friends. I was good at pretending things didn't bother me, even as a teenager.

The day started off in a cloudy confusion, but the moment I got out of bed, it started to clear. I waited until I knew my step dad was gone to leave my room, but I did eventually get up to get some cereal. Mom didn't make breakfast on the weekends.

So I sat on the couch and ate my cereal. I watched t.v. until my mom came in the room and talked to me for a little bit. I didn't want to talk, but I had nothing else to do.

"Billie," she said, sitting on the couch next to me, "are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

"You don't look it."

"Well you know I'm not exactly in the best of moods, but I'm fine."

"Have you heard from Mike at all?" She asked, even though I knew she knew the answer would be no.

"No," I said with a mouthful of cereal, "I didn't see him all day yesterday."

My mom frowned, staring at me. I glanced at her a few times while she did that, but she eventually got up to leave. "Well you know where I am, hun. Come talk to me if you need to." She said, then smiled faintly at me. "I love you." She kissed my head then left.

I knew she was just trying to be nice, but I didn't want to talk about Mike anymore. I didn't even want to think about him...

The rest of the day I didn't mention him once. I finally put on my 'I'm Okay Charade", and everyone bought into it. My mom didn't seem to, but the questions stopped. My thoughts about Mike were starting to leave by the end of the day. By night, I didn't even think about him.

The weekend was what I needed to get over this, and the first day it started working. By Monday, I wouldn't even look around the room for Mike, and I wouldn't even care if I didn't see him at all. I knew I wouldn't anyway, so I finally gave up.

"Good night!" My mom called up as I went to my room. She looked like she was going to work, probably working late like they made her. It was only seven, but I knew she wouldn't get home until at least one. I could see she knew that too, telling me goodnight early.

"You too, mom." I called before I shut my door. If I was going to be left alone, I was going to do so in my room.

Boring as it was, my room was where I always was. I hardly came out, but no one cared. I just liked to be by myself as much as I could. I never got bothered that way.

At least I didn't used to.

Not even over an hour of being cooped up in my room, I heard a quick cracking noise against my window. It startled me, but I had to investigate. Whatever it was interrupted me from the song I was listening to.

If I wasn't playing music, I was listening to it. At the time, Husker Du was interrupted by the loud noise on my window. Nothing broke when I checked, but no one was outside either. I knew I wasn't just hearing things though.

I sighed as I went to leave my room, but then I heard the noise again. This time I rushed to the window to see what it was.

As soon as I opened the blinds, I saw Adrienne standing below with something in her hand. I could tell it was another rock, and I really didn't need her busting my window. Before she threw another one, I took off running down the set of small stairs and quickly opened the door to stop her.

"Hey! I'm not afraid to tell my mom it was you if my window breaks!" I said with a laugh.

"Some friend you are," She joked. "So I was headed to the 7 Eleven. I was wondering if you wanted to come with and get a drink."

I tilted my head back, looking up at the sky, as if I was really thinking on it. "Why not," I shrugged.

She smiled and twirled around in a circle, then ran to the side walk. She made it look like she was impatiently waiting for me, but I knew she could wait.

She was always weird, but in a good way. She did the most of random things, like twirling around in a circle and running toward my sidewalk, but everyone got used to it. She just did things like that, and because she was so outgoing, no one ever cared. It was one of my favorite things about her- she just didn't care what everyone thought of her.

I admired it.

"So, how's life?" I asked, casually.

"Good," she said, kind of skipping beside me. "Same as usual. What about you?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "You don't even need to ask. It's still my same old boring life as you're used to."

She nodded like she understood, then kept walking. "Why did you come down by my house anyway?" I asked.

"I miss you, I guess..." She said, trying not to look at me.

"You know you can come over anytime."

"I know," she looked at me," it just makes me sad that we're not as close as we used to be."

"I still think we are." I admitted. "You're still my best friend."

"That's good then," She said turning away. "You know you're mine too."

I smiled and walked straight, not even paying attention to how long it was going to take to get to 7 Eleven.

By the time we got back to my house, it was dark. We didn't care though; I didn't get to hang out with Adrienne as much as I used to, or wanted to, so anytime of the day was fine with me. It just made me sad that after she dropped me off, I knew that we wouldn't talk at school. We hardly did. She had new friends, and new best ones. I knew she didn't mean what she said. I wouldn't let it get to me though. I adapted to it way before, so It wasn't a big deal anymore.

Nothing was ever really a big deal in my life. I guess that's why I got so excited about having a new friend, but after it slipped away, I knew there was really nothing more to my life than just being bored. I was fine with it though. I still wouldn't have minded change, but nothing changing would have been good too.

It probably would have been better than the change that came quickly to my life.

Once I was back in my room, ready to lay down and probably just relax, I heard a loud banging on the door. It was a fast knocking too, so it kind of concerned me. I was home alone, too, so I knew no one else was going to answer.

Reluctantly, I headed down the stairs, curious to see what the hell was going on. I figured it was 80 again, but when the knocking started up again, louder, I was assured it wasn't. Something seemed wrong.

I paused at the door, staring at the handle, waiting for my hand to turn it, but it wouldn't seem to budge. The knocking just kept going, and it seemed like it could have been bad if I were to open it. Curiosity got the best of me though, so I opened it after the person knocked a few more times.

By the time I opened it, I saw someone walking away, almost limping. I didn't have to guess who it was, either. I knew it was him the second I saw the back of his head, with his shaggy brown hair.

"M-Mike?" I said, almost stuttering. I didn't want it to be him. I knew nothing but problems were about to happen...

...Unless it was me being wrong about my judgment again.

He turned back to me quickly, and I couldn't really see his face all too well. It was dark, but I could tell something wasn't right. As he approached the door again, walking though, I could hear him breathing heavy.

"Go to my room," I instructed as I shut the door. He didn't listen though.

Instead, he just turned to me, and now I could see everything. Under the light, I could see his face and every bruise on it. He had a black eye, almost completely shut, and a few cuts on his face. He looked pretty beaten up, even his clothes seemed to say so. Torn up and dirty, I could tell someone just jumped Mike... but why?

I could just stare at him with my mouth open, probably stammering.

"Billie, I know I don't deserve anything, but can I please sleep here tonight? Just for tonight?" He asked frantically.

"Where's your car?" I asked, confused.

"It doesn't matter!" He said loudly, seeming like he was trying to stop himself from crying. "I-I just need to be somewhere tonight, that isn't outside."

"Well," I started slowly, "the garage is still fixed up, but-"

Instantly, I was in the arms of Mike, holding me tight. "I'm sorry. I just really need this, dude." He let go of me. "I don't need anything other than a place to stay, just tonight. I don't need you to feed me, and I don't expect you to be friendly with me."

"What happened to you?" I finally asked, sounding like I ignored everything he just said. I was worried though. Even if I shouldn't have been.

He didn't say anything. He just had a sad, desperate look in his eyes. It definitely didn't seem right, but I didn't want to get into it anymore than he'd be willing to let me. I shouldn't have even wanted to know, knowing I couldn't exactly trust him.

"...I got into some trouble with someone. I don't want you getting involved. Like I said, I just need a place tonight, and I don't expect you to even talk to me at all, ever again even."

I stared at him for a few minutes, not knowing what to think of all of it. I was willing to let him stay the night though, even without asking my mom. If it was for one night, then I didn't give a shit. "Stay, but I want you to know I'm not mean enough to stop talking to you. I can't, not if I know you're here."

He looked confused by what I said, but he nodded anyway, and went to walk into the kitchen, headed for the garage door.

"You can come in my room with me if you want. It's probably cold in there, and all the blankets happen to be in the closet upstairs anyway, so come hang out for a little bit. I'm pretty bored."

Mike looked like he wasn't sure, but he turned back towards me and started up the stairs behind me.

I was supposed to be forgetting him, but as long as he was around, I could at least have him around for company. I wasn't going to attempt bring his friend again, but having someone to hang with never hurt.

Not unless they suddenly wanted to get to know you.

Before long, Mike was asking me questions, making me believe he was trying to be friends with me now. Again, I couldn't trust my own judgment though. I just let everything slide on by, like it didn't even effect me. I had to.

"So, Billie, where's your mom?"

"Work," I said, looking up from my guitar.

"Oh." Was all he said, and I could tell he was still looking at me. "So, um, I noticed the notepad on the floor... I'm assuming you write a lot of songs."

"Yea," I said, tuning my guitar. "It helps get stuff off my mind, I guess."

He nodded, as if he understood. "How long have you been writing songs?"

I couldn't even tell if he was really interested, or if he was just trying to be nice, just because I was letting him stay the night. It seemed like he was really just trying to be polite, rather than prying answers out of to actually get to know me. Still, I wasn't going to be mean.

It looked like he had been through enough.

"Ever since I knew how to write, and how to say what I couldn't verbally through paper and a pen."

"So how long have you known how to play guitar then?"

"A really long time." I said, truthfully.

"When did you get that guitar?" He said, and all went silent.

He could tell I wasn't just trying to add up the years in my head, I knew he could see that there was obviously something deeper to the guitar then he knew. He wasn't going to drop it though- Maybe he really was interested in me...

I swallowed. "My dad gave it to me... before he died."

I could see the look on Mike's face, and I knew he regretted asking. Anytime I brought up my dad dying, everyone seemed to find a reason to leave the room or change the subject. I could see him trying to think of something right then and there.

"I'm... sorry. I hope you don't mind me asking, but... how did he die?"

I sighed, hoping he knew this wasn't an easy thing to just talk about with just anyone. Especially Mike. "Cancer. No one really asks about him to me..."

"Why?"

"Because no one cares."

"I do." Mike said with a serious tone, like he actually meant it. I didn't want to be disappointed again. "Look, I know I left without saying anything, but there's so much you just don't understand about me, Billie. It'd be for the best if you just stayed awa-"

"But I don't want to." I said firmly, not really hoping I'd actually say it. I did though, bluntly.

His face hardened. "Even after I just left the way I did, and showed up at your door, asking for a place to stay?"

"You obviously don't understand much about me," I dared say back. "I see good in you, and I was hoping for nothing more than to be your friend. I don't care where you live, why you live the way you do, or how many schools you've been kicked out of. I just thought we could both use a friend..."

He looked like he didn't know what to say. "Then you need to know I've never had a friend, so I don't see why all of a sudden I meet someone who's willing to let me live with him the second day of knowing him."

"Then you need to know that sometimes you do deserve good things in your life, even if it is just a stupid friend like me. You are right, I don't know much about you, but if I'm already wanting to be your friend, then why fuck it up?"

"I won't fuck it up then. I didn't know anyone would actually care about me, so I'm not used to it. You are my friend though, even if you don't want me to be yours anymore..."

Mike looked up at me, as if he was waiting for me to say I didn't want to be friends. I'm sure that would have been the easier thing to do, and it was probably the answer he was hoping for. He could go around freely again, with no obligations. I wasn't going to make this easy on him though. I still wanted a friend.

"No," I said firmly, "we are friends. Don't fuck up again," I said with a smirk.

He smiled back. It looked as if he wasn't going to say anything, but I was wrong again. "I won't." He said then stood up off the floor he was sitting on. "Thank you though, really. I'm going to sleep, but I'll see you tomorrow..." He said, about to walk out the door.

"I'll wake you up for school tomorrow." I said quickly.

The look on his face wasn't all too happy, but I could only hope that he'd actually be there in the morning so I could wake him up for school. Truthfully, I didn't want him leaving again. I had just re-opened my trust for him, so my faith in him was stronger than ever.

"Yea, yea. Goodnight, Bill. Thanks again."

Then he was gone, and my door was shut.

With a sigh, I closed my eyes and tried to sleep...