The Way You Lived Your Life

My heart was pounding as I walked up to the back door. It was a shady place, and showing up at the front wasn't allowed. I had to take the back way, hopping fences through other people's yards, just to get to the guy's house.

His name left a bad taste in my mouth whenever I had to even speak it, but seeing him was a whole different story. This time, I had to bring the bad news; I had to lie. I had to stay composed and make sure he didn't see me nervous; in his eyes, that made me weak and he over powered the weak.

"Mike?" One of his many "girlfriends" said as she saw me. I forced a little smirk.

"Happy to see me?"

"Not exactly. He's pretty pissed," she said, walking away, leaving the door open so I could walk in and follow her into his living room he considered his 'man cave'.

"Hey, Tom." I said, hiding the shaky voice that wished to come out. It was dwelling in the back of my throat. "I uh, need to talk to you."

He turned around in his chair and stared at me. Just by looking at him I wished I hadn't come. He was in a bad mood, and I could see it just in the way he looked. The guy had some personality disorder, like bi-polar or something. One day he was fine, but within a few hours he could be the meanest man you'd ever spoken to. Today just so happened to be my unlucky day.

"You better have my money, Michael. I'm getting impatient." He practically spat out onto the floor.

I took a deep sigh, preparing myself for my lie. My first lie to this man... "Look, I had the shit in my car and some asshole stole-"

"What?" He yelled as he stood up. All the girls and his friends in the room stopped what they were doing to sit and watch, or to leave quietly. It was about to get bad. "How the fuck do you allow something like that to happen?! There was over a hundred dollars worth of pot in that!" He got closer to me, so I tightened myself, ready for his blow to my gut.

Exactly as I figured, he got me in the middle of my stomach and I was huddled over in seconds. I had to stay standing though, or else he'd see how weak I was, and I'd lose my job for sure. Right there, I was only hoping I still had it.

"You better not be lying to me... If I find out that you and your stupid little fucking high school friends are smoking my weed, you'll wish California never existed."

I was standing straight again, nodding my head, letting him know I understood, and that definitely was not the case. "It won't happen again, Tom. I don't live out of my car any more, so-"

His one eye brow rose. "Really? You have a place of residence now? Hmm... are you sure you're not selling my drugs and spending the cash on a place to stay?"

"N-No," I answered quickly. "I met some... stupid kid who's letting me crash in his garage."

"Then why the fuck is your car still parked at the park?!" He was in my face now.

"Do you think I want that fucker bugging me for rides to school?" I lied. 'Sorry, Billie,' I thought.

His mouth turned up a little. "I remember why I hired you. You're a good kid, so don't fuck up again." He said, then turned around. "I have a new job for you, but I don't think you can handle it..."

I was worried now. Usually when he said something like that, he meant I had to beat up some guy for money that he owed Tom, or I had to deliver a huge sum of drugs to someone, never knowing if it could be an undercover cop. I needed money to survive though. I always did as he asked... or told me to do.

"You know I can." I defended.

His smile was back. "Good. Come with me."

I swallowed hard as I followed him into the basement. It's where he made all of stuff and grew all of the pot. It smelled wonderful, but once you got down, past the creaky stairs, you could see a lab. I didn't know what he made, but I knew it was bad and it all differed. This time, he was making a batch of meth. I wasn't happy for this next run.

"I'm selling for 600 dollars to ...some guy."

"Okay..." I replied, waiting for more.

He turned back to me with a smudge look on his face, "He's principal at your school."

My eyes widened. "Are you fucking serious?!"

"I thought you said you could handle this." He questioned.

"I'll be kicked out of school, man!"

He laughed, loudly, as he held the bag in hand. Obviously making fun of me. "Oh Michael, I never knew you had a sense of humor. Bring that around more often..."

"I'm serious- I could get in some serious trouble for this- he knows who I am!"

He rolled his eyes. "You want some fucking cash or not? I'm offering you a hundred dollars worth of pot to sell... or smoke, whatever..."

I took a deep breath. "When does he need it?"

"That's my guy!" He said, pointing to me. "He told me when school gets out. He asked if someone could wait in the parking lot, being the only car left so he knows it's the guy with his fix." He rambled on, bagging up some nugs of weed and a few joints as well. "Look, you don't even have to look at the guy," he said with his back to me, "and now that I think of how bad the situation might be, on my part, I'm giving you some extra pot. Deal?"

"I guess." I said, and he shoved a backpack at me, against my chest.

"Now get out of here." His smile was big and fake, showing his messed up teeth from all the drugs.

Before I reached the top step, I heard a loud sniffling noise and shuddered with disgust. Getting out of there and back to my car was the biggest priority.

Driving back to Billie's, I had so many things circling through my head. I wanted to explain myself and all the things I've done to him, but I wasn't allowed to let anyone know what I did for a 'living'. I made enough to feed myself, and fix up my car every once in a while, when it had issues, but no one ever knew how I got the money.

My mom kicked me out for finding a stash in my room, and that's when I never came back. They moved, and I never saw them again. Schools kept checking my lockers, back when I wasn't so smart with it all, and found enough to get me out of their buildings for good. Not until I met Tom did I understand the importance of being secretive.

Luckily, with all the pot I sold on my own, before I met Tom, I saved up for my car, and that's what landed me the job. Tom was a costumer of mine at one point, trying to find the best weed. When I offered to drive to him, if he needed more a next time, it excited him. He always had the people come to his house, to the front door. It looked too suspicious, and that's when he offered me a job.

I couldn't say no, especially when trying to grow my own pot down at the park wasn't working so well when the high school pot-heads started to find the plants, deep in the park where no one went. Obviously I was wrong about that.

After a year, he suggested I enroll in school, to meet some kids who would want to buy pot. Great idea, but I wasn't one to attend. He didn't know that, but that's when I wound up at Billie's school.

He was a good kid, and I couldn't help but to feel like I was only going to corrupt him. He wouldn't leave me alone though, and it didn't make any sense. Every one else always left me, kicked me away, or only used me. Billie actually wanted me around, and because I don't know how to handle that kinda stuff, I'm fucking everything up.

How would I apologize for something like beating him up on his own front yard, then barging back into his garage so I could sleep somewhere else other than my car? I was a piece of shit.

Billie's POV

"Billie Joe, get up right now! Mike's already gone to school! Why can't you be more like him?!"

I kept my face hidden, positive that I had a black eye, and I wasn't planning on going anyway. "Mom, I don't-"

"There's no school today," I heard a winded Mike say.

"Oh!" My mom said, realizing that Mike was 'home'. "Well then, sorry, Billie. Go back to sleep."

"I was real disappointed when I got there." Mike lied. "I heard from a friend that there wasn't, so I left extra early to make sure. I was going to come back and give Billie a ride if there was school, but..."

Mike stopped talking and my mom believed him. She left the room, shutting my door, but I could feel that I wasn't alone. Before long, I heard the front door shut, and my mom was off to work.

"What the fuck do you want?" I asked, mumbling, still half asleep.

"I don't know..."

I sat up. "Then get the fuck out of my room!"

Mike's face turned to instant terror, shock, and worry. I could only assume my face looked pretty bad, so I was quick to turn away.

I could hear Mike stutter, and try to find words that would even remotely sum up how he felt. I didn't care though.

"B-Billie... I-I..."

I looked back over to see him looking down. Was he crying?

"Y-you don't understand... There's just so-so much you don't know. I wish I could tell you-"

"So you kick my ass and make me feel like dirt? I hope you fucking enjoy that stupid bass guitar-"

"I'm sorry. I was scared..."

"Why were you scared? I was the one being knocked around in my front yard with someone threatening me!"

"I get threatened like that every day..." he said quietly. "You didn't deserve that. I wanted you to know that, and that, well... I'll be leaving. I can't stay here anymore and keep treating you like shit. I'm sorry, Billie."

He started to walk out of my room, and for some reason I couldn't let him go. "No." I said, surprisingly.

He turned back to me, nodding his head. "I can't keep doing this to you."

"Please don't leave me..." I said, pathetically.

"Why the fuck do you still want me around, Billie?! I've been nothing but fucking mean to you. I treat you like shit, and you treat me like I've been your best friend for ten years..."

"You are my best friend."

"Don't say that."

I stood up, and his eyes went directly to my stomach, covered in bruises, but I didn't care anymore. "If you leave, then you're treating me like shit. I'm not going to have you come into my life, get my hopes up, then leave like you've left everything else. I want you to be my best friend, and you fucking are. The only way you wouldn't be is if you didn't want it. So fucking tell me, Mike, what the fuck do you want to have happen?"

His mouth was open a little, and I could tell he was stuck now. I was making it hard on him, but once again, I just didn't care.

I was stupidly liking Mike more than I should've, or was supposed to. I allowed it to happen, I guess, but I couldn't let him go now. I let my feelings for Adrienne go, and I regret it here and there, but now that I found someone else, I didn't want him gone either. Sadly, I let Mike into my life and my heart.

"I do want to be friends. It's just hard..." Mike said, obviously with some meaning behind it.

"What do you mean?"

He swallowed hard. "Just... I've never had a friend before."

It was a cover up, but I was going to let it go. I obviously had to prove to Mike that I could be trusted, instead of just expecting him to tell me things because I opened myself and my house to him. Even I didn't tell him everything, so I couldn't blame him for that.

"You do now." I told him.

"One with a black eye," he smiled, trying to make light of the situation. I laughed, because I couldn't stay mad at him. "The best I've had..."

"On giving a black eye?"

"No," He smirked, "friend wise."

It made me smile. I felt better now, but once again, this could have just been him trying to win me over before he blew it all up in my face again.

"So, can I ask you something?"

"Sure..."

"Can I take a shower?"

"Go for it."

I watched him walk away, and he looked like he could use a shower. He looked like he had a rough morning, and I knew we had school today. He was just getting my mom off of my back, but he did go somewhere today. I didn't know where, but it was a bit shady.

He always acted weird, but never like he did after he just got back from doing something. I wanted to check his 'room', just to see if there was any clue to know where he went or what he was up to this whole time, when he wasn't here or at school.

As soon as I heard the bathroom door shut, I walked downstairs and went quickly into his room. It didn't surprise me that he had a bag of joints and weed hidden in his backpack, under a pile of fake, or undone school work, but when I checked in the box spring of his bed, like he did to my bed, I found something I had never seen.

It startled me, but I couldn't know what it was, so I couldn't know how to feel about it. I just stared at it, as it seemed to stare back at me, with a taunting feel to it. Like I should have thrown it away. I knew better after last time though. Mike's shady life obviously meant something deeper than I thought.

"Billie!" I heard Mike yell from the bathroom. It made me jump, and I ran out of his room, not bothering to shut the door all the way. "Billie!"

"What?" I asked, running up the stairs. The bathroom door was cracked open a little, and he didn't hear me. He was bent over the tub, turning on the water in nothing but his pants. He turned partially around, looking under the sink. He closed the doors and stood up straight. I could still see him from the reflection in the mirror. I couldn't peel my eyes away...

He was facing the right way now, and I could see bruises and scars on his chest and stomach. It made me wonder, and it brought my mind back to when he said he got threatened everyday. It seemed what I found in his room, the pot, and him needing large amounts of money went hand in hand with the bruises and supposed threats. I worried about him now.

I watched as his hands slid over his groin, getting the zipper down and the button undone. Now he was in nothing but his boxers, and before I got lucky enough to see what was beyond the fabric, he looked up and saw me through the mirror.

"Whatyda want?" I asked, quickly.

"I was wondering where the towels were..." He trailed off, giving me a weird look, like he was suspicious about how long I had been looking at him through the crack in the door. Maybe he was catching onto me.

"Oh," I said, turning away, going into the little pantry thing in the hall where we kept the towels and sheets. I came back with my towel in my hand; it was my favorite one. Mom thought it would be a cool idea to sew my name onto it too.

He smiled once I gave it to him. "Wanna watch me shower too?"

I pulled a disgusted face, "What the fuck?" Then I walked away with my heart pounding.

I couldn't get the image out of my head, and I didn't want it to go. Mike practically naked was a gorgeous sight, despite all the bruises and scars. He had a nice body, and strong legs. I could only imagine what was under the other part, where I didn't get to see.

That along with the feelings I already had for him, starting to grow even before, I got an intense feeling in my stomach. It felt like butterflies, but that was so cliche. Still, I wanted to march right up the stairs and watch him, just like he joked about. I wanted him to know I was watching, so then he'd have to look back at me. I was going to forcefully kiss him and make him know how much I liked him.

All of that was enough to make me know how much I wanted him.

After about five minutes, I crept up the stairs and the door was still cracked open, just a little bit more this time. Did he know, and was he just messing with me? It was tempting, but I'm sure he was expecting it. For all I knew, he was dressed, sitting on the toilet just waiting to laugh if he saw me face through the crack in the door again.

Curiosity got the best of me though. I hurried into my room, right across from the bathroom and peeked my head around the door frame to look into the bathroom. The mirror was too foggy to make out anything specific, but I could see a blur of his body through the transparent shower curtain.

That was enough for me, and I couldn't help but to feel the way I did. No matter how he acted or what he did in the past, even to me, I always had it in me to forgive him. I wanted him to stick around, no matter what, and I didn't mind the intense feelings in the pit of my tummy.

There was more to it than just liking him as a friend, and wanting him to be my best friend. For some reason I wanted him more than that, and I liked him more than I should.

Wouldn't it be too soon to feel this way if it had only been about over a week of knowing him? Liking him no matter what he did had to be more than just friendship, and it had to be more than just liking him though.

Did I love Mike? And how bad would it be if I did?

Mike obviously wasn't like that, and even if he was, he wouldn't have the time for me. Being just a friend was already hard enough, so he says, and if I were his boyfriend I'm sure he definitely wouldn't know how to act then. I don't see him being the type to be someone's lover, and knowing him to the small amount I already do, he couldn't love and belong to one person.

Maybe I was being mean and judgmental, but I could see it wasn't in him to even be in a relationship. Whatever he had going on in his life was keeping him from all the things someone our age should be doing. Like school, playing instruments, and well... having girlfriends and boyfriends. Whatever he was doing wasn't something the typical 18 year old did. I just knew it...

I sighed once the mirror got even foggier and the water turned off. I quickly and quietly shut my door, and hid out in my room. My heart was pounding from what I had just done, and all the thoughts racing through my head. I loved him, already, and it was definitely too late to stop it. Before long, I'd wake up one morning drowning in the sickening feeling. It would bubble up from my insides and choke me until I admitted it to him.

Unless I could bury it...

Not even ten minutes went by before I heard Mike yelling. I wasn't scared, or even intimidated, I thought he was just having a fit over some little thing. I wasn't sure when he had left the bathroom, but my guess was that he finally got down to his room and probably misplaced something or did something to inflict pain on himself.

I didn't think much of it until I heard my name come into the group of words he was yelling. It was the only thing I could hear clearly. So, I raced downstairs to see Mike standing in his doorway, looking at me. I slowed down once I saw the look on his face.

"Billie..."

"Yea?" I was a bit worried now.

"Did you come in my room?"

Fuck. I didn't close the door.

[It would have been better to end the chapter here, but I don't like cliffhangers either. Let's continue...]

"Yea..." I admitted.

"Why?" He looked mad, but he was staying calm.

"Your bass," I started, "I wanted to see if you still had it..."

His face lightened up, and his anger seemed to disappear. "Of course I do, Bill."

I let out a deep breath, glad he wasn't pissed at me anymore. Honestly, I didn't even remember that he had a bass. After last night...

"Do you need a pick?"

He looked hesitant. "I don't know when I'm going to actually play it, man..." He said, kind of hurting my feelings.

"You said if you had a bass-"

"I know what I said. Billie, why is music so important to you anyway? It's not my biggest concern."

"It's my life. Some people think playing football is their life, while others draw. As for me, I've loved music ever since my dad introduced it into my life when I was a kid."

"Well I'm not promising anything awesome, but I'll start picking it up every once in a while, alright? I haven't played in so long."

"That's why I got it for you, but I am sorry about doing it. I realize it wasn't my money to spend, and whatever you needed it for, I'll try to get it back-"

"Don't worry about it. I have more pot to sell, and you can repay me by selling it tomorrow. So go to school tomorrow and we can drop it."

"Are you coming with tomorrow?"

"I'll see after tonight. I have some important stuff I need to do."

"Like what?"

"Don't start, Billie." He told me, sitting on the bed, right above where I found the other bag of "stuff". "I have some people to meet and another place I have to go for a few minutes."

"...Can I go?"

I was probably egging him now, but I was curious. Not only that, but being stuck in my boring house while Mike was out doing something, that sounded exciting, wasn't exactly my choice.

"As much as I wish I could say yes, I just... I can't."

I got my hopes set up a little too high, and he saw the effect. I wasn't trying to be dramatic or to act like a little kid though.

"Not yet." He added.

"When do you have to go?" I asked, changing the subject a little.

"When school gets out."

"What? Why?"

He sighed, letting me know I was being pushy or annoying again. "Because I have to go talk to the principal."

"Are you getting kicked out?!" I was worried now. In my mind, the second Mike got kicked out of school he would leave. Even if it was just me assuming things, I still had to prepare myself for it.

"No... I don't think so. I just need to... talk to him. It's probably about our deal he has with me, about letting me stay in school. So don't freak out, nerd." He laughed. "I know how important school is to you."

"It's not, I just..."

"What?" He urged.

"I'm worried that if you get kicked out, then... you'll leave."

He didn't even have to pry it out of me.

"I won't leave without a goodbye... if I do leave. I don't think you need to worry about that, Billie."

It made me feel better, but seeing Mike shirtless only made me worry for what he could have been getting himself into later, after he met the principal. "Can I ask about your bruises?" I dared ask.

"I get into fights with some guys every so often. They try to steal pot or money from me," he said, winking. I knew what he was hinting around to. I was going to leave it at that until he would really tell me, or until our next serious heart-to-heart talks. If they actually meant anything to him...

"Okay," I said, fakely smiling. "I'll let you get dressed now, then. I don't feel too great, so I'm going to take a nap. Wake me up before you leave."

"Alright, I will."

Then I left... leaving Mike to do whatever it is he does in his spare time, behind closed doors and away from anyone else. I never stopped being worried.

I couldn't sleep. I sat in my room for hours until I heard Mike coming up the stairs. I hurried to pretend I was asleep, and I heard my door open. I was facing my window, back to the door, and I heard Mike creep in. I wasn't expecting him to come in and do what he did.

I felt a soft hand brush against the back of my head, and then there was nothing. He walked quietly out of my room, and in an instant, I jumped up to look out my window. Within minutes, he was outside, getting into his car. He pulled out of my driveway, and then drove down the street. Knowing Mike, I wouldn't be seeing him until early in the morning.