Around in Circles

There was a cold wind at the park making my mood even worse, I was in no mood to be having a picnic. I was going to stay home, but ended up getting dragged along. When Matt arrived, he smiled at me and tried to start up a conversation, but I just ignored him. He was obviously baffled by why I was acting like a total bitch. On our way to the park, he tried to lag behind and talk to me, but I just wouldn’t let up.

Everybody seemed to notice, or maybe it was my own sense of paranoia, but nobody said anything about it. To avoid any contact with Matt, I hung around Luke, though after a while I began to wonder if I should have. Luke was driving me crazy, and not in a good way either. How much could a person talk about themselves? Did he ever listen to himself speak?

“It’s amazing isn’t it?”

“Huh?” I kept zoning out. I felt my mind would be much safer if I listened to as little as possible of the poison spewing out of his mouth.

“I said, isn’t it amazing, I might be….” Again I decided to zone out, and just pretended to listen by adding an occasional ‘yea’ and a nod.

I was snacking on some cookies that were placed right in front of me, there was lots of tasty food but I was just in no mood to eat. All I could do was think, but all I wanted was to stop torturing myself with negative thoughts. I couldn't take it; just looking at him, hearing him talk was too much. I didn't want to stay away from him, but at the same time I knew I couldn't let myself just trust him again so easily. I knew I shouldn't. I couldn't believe how pathetic I sounded. My thoughts were suddenly interrupted when Matt spoke.

“Can you pass some of those cookies?” Was he fucking with me? He knew I was ignoring him, and if not he was even stupider than I thought. No, he definitely knew and he was doing it to piss me off.

“I’m kinda eating them right now.” I gave him a look that could make hell freeze over.

“You’re not going to eat all of them. Are you?” I just glared at him. Damn asshole. I couldn’t come up with a clever comeback.

“No.” I stated rudely.

“I didn’t think so.” That just pushed me off the edge. What the hell?! He did not just fucking say that!

“Excuse you! Who the fuck do you think you are! Did I ask what you thought? No, no I fucking didn’t.”

Shock was written all over his face, as it was on everybody else. I felt tears about to spill out of my eyes, but I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry. No, I wouldn't. Instead I stood up and briskly walked away. I began to run, when I noticed Matt had also stood up and was following. I didn't know what I was planning on doing, but one thing was clear, I wanted to get away from here. However my plans were interrupted. Matt had caught up to me, and grabbed me by the wrist. He spun me around to face him. By now I had tears streaming down my face. I didn't want to look at him, I couldn't look at him. I knew if i did, I would just forgive him, and I knew I couldn't do that.

I stood there staring at the ground. Matt still had his hand around my wrist, his grip firm but not hard. It actually felt kind of nice just standing there. No! I couldn't let myself think that. I shook my hand free of his grip and continued running. But Matt obviously being the faster one caught up with me again, and this time hugged me around my waist, refusing to let go.

"Matt, let me go!"

"No! Not until you tell me why you're so mad."

"It doesn't even matter!"

"Obviously it does! Yesterday you were fine, and then today your acting like a complete bitch."

"Fuck off!" Couldn't he take a hint? I didn't want to talk about it. Even though I was mad at him, again I couldn't help but notice how nice it felt to be hugged by him. I had to stop thinking like that! Just thinking about it made me cry harder. Why should he care, after all he already has his 'special' girl. I had forgotten about that until now, but I guess it was for the better that he was with her instead of me.

"Lacey, please." We were now facing each other, his eyes now filled with sympathy and sadness. His eyes were so beautiful; I could stare at them all day. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, debating on whether or not I should tell him or not.

Before I could stop myself the words just flew out of my mouth. "I can't trust you."