Around in Circles

We both stood there in shock. I was shocked that I had said anything, and Matt was shocked at what I had just said. The words kept ringing over and over in my head. I can't trust you. But I couldn't say I regretted it, because I didn't. Now it was out there. Time seemed to pass very slowly as we stood there in that spot, it seemed like hours, but it couldn't have been more than a minute.

"Why?" It came out barley above a whisper, and his voice seemed to crack. It hurt to see him in pain, but I knew it was too late to take back what I had said. It was too late to feel sorry for saying it. I shouldn’t feel bad, I spoke my mind, but I couldn’t seem to get rid of the gut-wrenching feeling I had in my stomach.
“Why?” He spoke again, but this time firmer. I looked down, not wanting to meet his eyes.
“I-I-I” I sighed, I had to say it. I knew I had to. “Because you left.” He looked at me, confusion crossing his eyes for a second before he realized what I had meant. It felt awkward having to say it, but when I did I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders, I felt free.

“So you’re mad at me for something that happened 4 years ago?”

“Maybe it’s not a big deal to you but it is too me.” I whispered, still not looking at him. “Back then, it’s just… well uhh… you made me feel great, and now that your back, I feel it again. But the problem is, like I said before, I can’t trust you. I keep thinking this is too good to be real, and that you might leave again…” He cut me off, by bringing his hand up and cupping my chin, slowly raising my head.

“Hey, I’m not going anywhere.”

“But that’s the problem, I can’t trust that you’re not going anywhere, I can’t it’s just every time I think about it I just imagine you leaving again and I don’t think I’d be able to handle that. I just wouldn’t.” I was rambling now; I had so much I just wanted to get out, so much that I needed to get off my chest. “And you also have that special girl Jacob was talking about once.”

He was about to answer but was interrupted by Naomi, she had caught up to us along with Jacob. Matt and I were still standing facing each other, with Matt’s arm still around my waist. I tried to take a step back but Matt refused to let go, finally when Naomi neared he slightly loosened his grip eventually letting his arm slide off.

I took a deep breath; I just needed to breathe. “Are you ok? You just ran off.” Naomi said, out of breath. Did we really run that far? I looked around not seeing the picnic table anywhere; I guess we did run pretty far. She was staring at Matt and I but was very subtle about it, I gave her a small nod, telling her everything was fine.

“Yea, yea I’m fine. I feel much better.” I could honestly say that, I felt like I had gotten something off my chest and now was able to move forward. Naomi looked at me as if asking if I was telling the truth, to answer her question I gave her a small smile. She still looked unconvinced.

“Come on guys lets go back.” Jacob spoke.

“You guys can go; I think I’m going to head back home.” Naomi looked at me with concern, but there was no need for it. She then looked at Matt signaling for him to follow.

“You guys start walking I’ll catch up.” Naomi and Jacob started walking away, but it was pretty obvious that they were purposely walking extremely slowly. I swear I just saw a snail go past them.

Matt turned to face me. “Lace, I want you to be able to trust me again, and about the g-” before he could finish I cut him off.

“How? How exactly am I supposed to trust you again?” He actually wanted to make an effort? I felt a pang in my heart, but I couldn’t help but let a small smile out. He actually cared. I quickly realized that I probably shouldn’t be smiling and wiped it off my face.

“We’ll work on it. I’ll work on it. I promise.” It really made me happy that he was willing to put some effort into it. I couldn’t help but let out a huge smile. “We can be friends again, and then work on it from there.” He was still rambling but again I cut him off.

“Okay.” He looked at me and smiled.

“So friends?” He said holding out his arm.

“Friends.” I confirmed shoving away his arm and instead giving him a hug. It felt nice standing here, with him. He smelt nice, clean, kind of like Jake from Hollister. I think that’s the cologne he was wearing, I absolutely loved it. Before I could get suffocated with his wonderful sent, I decided to pull away.

I smiled at him and then we said our goodbyes. I began on my way home, just thinking about how this was going to turn out. What if it ended badly again? I sighed; I just had to believe that things would get better. I had to hope things would get better. I had to hope my heart wouldn’t get shattered again.