Hopefully It's Forever

It’s been weeks since that horrible fight that Travis and I had. It was so draining, my body felt heavy and unbearable to have. Self hatred has consumed my body and self loathing of how stupid I have become thinking he would have never found out.

Senna has been begging me to take her out but once she looks into my eyes as I whisper to her ‘Now is not a good time’ she would nod sadly and walk away. My throat tightened as I saw the dejected look on my daughter’s face.

I never wanted to hurt her feelings but I couldn’t help but feel a bit selfish. Wanting time to myself as I stay in bed all hours of the day. Whenever the phone rings I would jump up to see if the familiar number would pop up.

Deep down I know he would never call me but it doesn’t matter how hard I try, all I do was hope he would. I haven’t seen Darren either, he just disappeared after the incident with Travis pecking my cheek and telling me he would call me soon.

I scrubbed my body so roughly that night trying to get rid of all the fortification that I did, thinking it would make me clean again. But most importantly erase what I did so Travis could come back, it’s sad that it dawns on me now how much I love him.

How much I miss him. It hurts when I look out to see a similar truck to his or seeing kids in dirt bikes riding around in certain areas of the terrain. Getting up as my alarm clock went off, the only thing I do get out of bed for is work.

Without work I wouldn’t have this house so of course that was the only thing that kept me from not burying myself in my sheets and never coming out. Washing my face to see how dead my eyes are, dark circles around my eyes from lack of sleep.

Hair out of order from the tossing and turning I do when I try to forget about Travis. I got ready as Senna was in the kitchen eating a pop tart while swinging her feet in a lazy motion. I ruffled her hair as I asked “Do you want to see grandma and grandpa today? They miss you terribly.”

She stiffly nodded as she finished the last piece of her treat as I heard her mumble something about Travis. My body went stiff at the name but ignored her statement as I drove her to my parent’s house for the day.

Senna beamed when she saw my father waiting out for us, she ran out of the car as she pounced on him with such joy. I heard his deep chuckle as the creases on his face got deeper when he looked at me. My mother gave me a hug before she went inside to distract Senna for a while.

He nodded over to the swing bench that they had on their front porch, glancing at my watch I was about an hour earlier than I thought. Sitting down next to my father, he pushed his feet a bit as the swing swayed a bit.

He wasted no time as he asked, “What’s going on Ray? You haven’t been yourself lately, everyone has been calling you. Your brothers, sister and I have all called you for the last two weeks and you haven’t even picked up until you asked if we can take care of Senna.”

Wringing my hands as I felt my eyes water from all the emotions that washed over me within seconds. My lips quivered, biting my lip to control my emotions but it wasn’t working as well as I thought it would.

Running a hand through my hair as I looked out into the little garden that they had in their front yard. “Have you ever loved someone so much that you would do anything to mess it up? Trying to be imperfect as possible so they won’t want you anymore, yet they still want to be with you until you betrayed their trust?” I questioned.

I wanted to hear my father’s opinion on this; he was so wise when it came to things like this. He was the one who told me that Darren was a horrible man to be around but I never listened and thought he was trying to restrict me from having fun, but in the end he was right.

I know my father wouldn’t hide what he thought of the situation, telling you straight out what you did wrong or not. My mother on the other hand would be a train wreck and doesn’t handle her feelings so well so I rarely go to her for advice.

He deeply chuckled as his slanted eyes looked at me with such warmth, “Yes I have and I screwed up really badly. Sadly I never got that girl back but listen here Rayne. You need to step up for whatever you did wrong. You can’t be such a coward, pushing people away. Just because one man did you wrong don’t mean every man is.”

He licked his lips as he turned away from me, his eyes narrowed “I know you were seeing Darren behind everyone’s back. Including that boy that Senna always talks about nonstop whenever she’s over here.” I looked at him in shock, wanting to know how he knew.

He rolled his eyes, “I knew because you always get this nervous, guilty look whenever you’re messing with him when you were a teenager. Couldn’t look me straight in the eye, tugging on your hair. You did fuck up, I’m not going to sugar coat it for you and say that this Travis guy is going to forgive you like that…… but you will never know unless you try.”

My mouth felt dry as I adjusted myself in my seat again, “I have never felt like this before, for one person. It scares me that I feel this strongly. It hurts to be away from him dad.” Choking up from the pain that was coming back to me.

My father pulled me close to him as my body wracked with tears and despair that threw me with full force. “I love him” I kept repeating, he kept trying to soothe me by stroking my back muttering ‘I know’

I have no idea how I am going to get Travis back, no idea how this is going to work out. I need to talk to him, not seeing him and having this horrible break from one another is too much to bear at times. I needed to fix it and I needed to do it now.

Wiping my face as I thanked my father, pecking him on the cheek as I ran inside to bid my mother and daughter goodbye. I hopped into my car as I drove to Travis’ house; I looked at the clock but ignored the time.

I don’t care if I’m late they would have to deal with it because what I am doing right at this moment is so much more important than this. It took me a little longer than expected but pulled up to his driveway no less.

My eyebrows furrowed in confusion as I saw how empty it was, stepping out thinking that they probably parked out back like they do at times. I knocked on the door, not hearing any sounds from the other side I rang the door bell.

My heart started to pound in my ears again, anxiety was catching up to me as I heard footsteps coming closer to the door. It swung open as my lips turned into a slight frown seeing the hazel eyes of my best friend Greg.

“Rayne?” he asked. I nodded as he stepped out a bit more, leaning on the door frame asking what I was doing here knowing that I had work around this time. I could tell by his eyes that he was angry at me, I know Travis told Special.

They are best friends and him knowing me the best always ask him for advice. I never felt as nervous around Greg before as his figure towered over me. “You wanted something?”

I cleared my throat as I shoved my hands into my pockets leaning a bit to the right to see around him but he would just lean more into the same direction I was looking at to block my view. “I’m here to see Travis.” I swallowed hard “Is he here?”

Crossing his arms, “No he’s not.” That short answer made me feel even more nervous and hurt since he doesn’t tell me anything else. I stepped back “Oh well then I will come by later then.” I trailed off.

Turning around walking to my car, “He won’t be here when you come by again.” I stopped dead in my tracks as I swung around to see him, asking him what he meant by that. “He left for a competition this morning, won’t be back for four months.”

With that he closed the door, as my eyes widened legs giving out at the amount of time he will be gone. Four months?! Was that was he was going to tell me the night before? He did sound a bit nervous when he wanted to ask something but never got around to it since I remember Senna was in the house wanting to see him.

I didn’t think my heart that had become completely undone could be damaged any worse. My thoughts were wrong, as my heart started to bleed from within as I ran to the bushes to hurl. Holding my stomach as I moaned in pain, I couldn’t help but think how screwed up my life has become.