Love This Pain

I looked down at my stomach as Val and I sat on the plane back home. I felt nothing but utter disgust. I had a baby growing inside of me. Val, on the other hand, was filled with joy because her and her husband were expecting a baby. I was expecting a baby with well, I had no idea. I didn't know who the father was and that caused me to feel sick. I would say it was definitely Brian's because we never had protected sex. We used the stupidest method, pull out. Why? Because he's the only man on earth who doesn't have a condom in his wallet. But with everyone else I used protection.

I wanted to cry. I wanted to mentally shoot myself. Val had already talked me out of abortion. I was against it in the first place but I really couldn't even think about having a baby right now. I was 21. Barely living.

Val and I stayed quiet the whole flight. Thankfully, we were only traveling from Arizona to Los Angeles. She had calls from Matt every now and then. Him telling her how excited he was for the babies. And how he couldn't wait to be off tour to be with her. He was such a great guy. She had someone that loved her to pieces. Me? I had no one.

"Thanks for letting me stay here, Val." I told her as we entered hers and Matt's house.

"Don't thank me. Your family." She said with a smile on her face. She already had a little baby bump. Even though she was only 2 months along.

I tried giving her a smile but I couldn't bring one to my face. "So, are you ready to talk about what happen on tour?" She asked, sitting down on the couch.

I took in a deep breath, really debating my answer. I wanted to let it all out, but I didn't want to be judge. Val would never judge anyone in a thousand years. I nodded and sat beside her.

I told her everything. From sleeping with Arejay to sleeping with Brian. She was shocked to hear that one. I told her that I really fell hard for Brian but he didn't notice and she understood that. He was always dumbfounded when it came to love.

"So, you don't know who the father is?"

I shook my head, feeling those annoying tears come back to my eyes. "I just wish I could take it back. I wish that I could have only been with Brian. No one else. Just him." I sighed, wiping under my eyes.

"We'll figure it out. Okay?" She rubbed my shoulder. "We'll go to the doctors tomorrow and see if we could find out who the father is. Did you use protection?"

"Not with Brian. God, what if it is his and he doesn't want anything to do with me when he finds out?" I said, trying to keep the tears in. Stupid pregnancy hormones.

"Brian wouldn't be like that. I mean, he is an asshole but I wouldn't let him bail on you."

"Matt's going to kill me." I leaned my head back into the couch.

"Speaking of Matt." She answered her phone and put it on speaker. "Hey babe."

"Hey, how is Ryder? She won't answer my texts." Matt said in a sad sounding voice.

"She's fine." I looked at her and nodded. "Matt, Ryder is pregnant." She said softly.

"What?!" Ahh, the exact reaction I thought he would have. "How the fuck could she be pregnant? We've been on tour for the pa-" He stopped in the middle of his sentence. "Who's the father?" He asked, you could tell he was trying to stay calm but he was furious.

Val looked at me with a worried look. "She doesn't want to say right now." I smiled at her. She's a good liar. Sorry Matt. "Matt, I have to go, she's throwing up again."

"Okay, I love you. I'll see you in a few weeks." Matt and the guys had a few special shows, off of tour, that they were playing before they came home. Most of the guys were just happy that they didn't have anymore big shows. But they were going to enjoy playing for the troops in Iraq and a few other places. Free shows, of course.

They hung up and she immediately went for her purse and grabbed her phone and dialed the number on the paper.

After a few minutes she hung up the phone and looked at me with worried eyes. "Well, you can find out who the father is, if you get a blood sample from the possible father. But they said it could be very dangerous because it could kill the baby."

"So, what should I do?" I asked, tears already streaming down my face.

"Have the baby. Take a blood test after it's born. You don't want to risk killing it."

I nodded and wiped my tears. "Okay. Yeah, let's do that."

"I'm sorry, Ry." She said sympathetically.

"It's alright. It's my fault. I have to deal with my mistakes."

And boy, was this a big one.

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The doctor basically repeated what Val had told me the day before. Retrieving blood from the baby when it's still in the womb can possibly kill the baby. I didn't want to chance that.

The most I could think of was telling Brian, and only Brian about it. I'm pretty sure that Matt will sooner or later tell the whole band. Which I will be looked down on because I have no husband, let alone a boyfriend. I didn't even know who the father was. I was just hoping and praying it was Brian's. At least I had a connection with him. Not that he did with me.

But I knew one thing was for sure. Matt was going to hate me and Val. Both pregnant women with raging hormones and major PMSing.