Dear Eli

Dear Eli,

The days have blended together ever since you left me there at our meadow. For hours I sat there, soaking my cheeks with tears and sitting through a storm. I almost died from getting sick. But then, I wish I had. That way I wouldn't have the chance to write this letter and break my heart even more.

I regret that I ever convinced myself our lives would have been spent together. And I regret that I never spoke up when you crushed me with your words. But now I realize that that wouldn't have changed a thing. You would still have gone back to your college buddies, friends that actually liked football, never thinking twice about me. And I would have gone back to my windowsill to mourn over you and try to mend a shattered heart when the pieces were too small to put back together.

I remember the first day I met you. We were barely six years old. Both our parents had taken us to the park, our mothers being friends from high school. They'd gotten even closer after your fatfher died.

I was supposed to hate you, because I wanted to stay home and color in my Batman coloring book, but when I looked at you, everything was different. We clicked, like the last two pieces of the puzzle. We didn't realize it then, but our relationship only got much more complicated.

There was a meadow behind my house, it was small and circular. My dad had built a clubhouse for me and I remember a very special day in that clubhouse. We had our first kiss.

Granted, it was innocent and at the time we hadn't known what we were doing was "wrong". The only reason we'd done it was because you'd seen it in a movie you weren't supposed to watch and you wanted to try it. Two years later, we watched the rest of Brokeback Mountain.

When I was ten years old, I realized I liked boys. When I was thirteen, I realized I was in love with you. And when I was fifteen I realized you didn't love me back.

You never knew it (I don't think) I was too ashamed to admit it, but every relationship I was in, whether it be with a guy or that one girl, Claire, was meant to make you jealous. Even the abusive ones, in hope you'd save me. Maybe you did notice, I have no idea. But ever since I was thirteen, all I wanted was for you to hold my hand in the hallways or to kiss when you wanted. I yearned for you to say you loved me.

When we were seventeen, we went to an after prom party. That was the night we slept together. The morning after, you refused to talk to me, even hit me once because you wanted me to shut up and leave. That was when my heart started breaking.

Two months later, you came to visit me. I was sitting on my windowsill when you entered my room and sat on my bed. For several minutes, neither of us said a word.

"Sam," you murmured. "Why won't you look at me?"

"Because I don't deserve to look at you," I said.

"What?" You asked, exasperated.

"I don't deserve you, Eli. Why else would you shun me from your life for two whole months without ever considering how I felt? If I was okay?"

"Are you?"

"NO!" I cried, getting up from the windowsill, tears spilling down my cheeks. "I gave you something special and you threw it in my face! You ripped me apart, Eli. How could you do that?"

You looked down at your sneakers, eyes watery. "I didn't mean to," you mumbled miserably. "I was scared, Same. Being gay for me... No. I'm not gay. I was drunk and horny. You happened to be willing and I'm sorry you got hurt."

"Willing? Is that all I am to you? A one night stand? Some piece of trash you can throw away when you're done?"

"No! That's not - I didn't mean... you're my best friend, Sam."

"I don't believe you, Eli. I think I was just some easy fuck and once you got an orgasm out of me, you threw me out."

I don't know what happened next. I guess, for a moment there, you snapped, because you reached out and grabbed me by the face, yanked me close and crushed our lips together. That night was the first time we had make up sex.

After that, any time we got into an argument, and we got into a lot of those, we used our bodies to let out our anger and frustration. Being me - a hopeless, wishful, lover boy - I automatically assumed we were together, as a couple. But you never once told me you loved me or even held my hand.

A year passed and we graduated high school;. You went to university with a football scholarship and I went to Julliard for my music.WE didn't see each other for two years, too busy with college, I guess. By the third year, our families were having a reunion Christmas and I flew back to Michigan, having decided that Christmas was the day to admit I loved you.

But you came back as a changed man and I didn't like the new Eli. Even when you excused us to escape to our meadow behind my house. Even when we stepped into the old clubhouse we decked out when we were teenagers and you made us hot chocolate. Even when you watched a movie with me on the TV we hooked up ourselves. You were different, felt different. I knew immediately that wasn't a good thing.

And I was right.

Afterwords, you took me by the hand and pulled me to my feet. The look on your face confirmed my worries even before you said a single word.

"Sam, I've been thinking...,"

I looked up at you, pleading for you not to say anything. But you've always been especially good at ignoring me.

"We shouldn't do this anymore. It's not right. We're both guys, Sam. I can't love a man."

"B-but - you - I -"

"I'm going back to college tomorrow. Up there, I've got good friends, a girl I could love and a promising career."

"So, what you're saying is, you don't want me as a fuck buddy anymore?" I hated you at that moment. It was like you completely forgot how fragile I was. For God's sake I had tears streaming down my face. My heart was breaking right in front of you and you didn't even care.

"I'm saying goodbye, Sam." You refused to meet my gaze and when I didn't say anything, you took a shaky step back. "So, bye," You walked out the door and I followed, not quite able to process what was happening.

"Eli!" I called your name twice before you heard me. You were ready to ignore it, but I'd already reached out and grabbed your hand. "Don't - don't do this. Please."

"Look, what we had, Sam, was doomed from the start. I'm just the one who accepted it."

"You never gave it a chance!"

You shook of my hand and stalked away, leaving me all alone in the meadow. What happened next was kind of a blur. My heart was broken; I couldn't move, couldn't speak. I sat through a storm I was so gone. It was like I'd been cut open, left to bleed out and now I was simply an empty shell.

When my parents finally found me, my mom took me home, made me shower and dress before sitting with me on my windowsill. She played with the strands of my dark hair. It was like... she just knew. One glance at me and everything came clear to her. She did everything she could to help me, even got me into counseling.

And yet, here I am, writing you this letter.

I'm going to kill myself tonight, Eli. I've tried living without you my whole life, most of it with hope. But now that there isn't any, what's the point? You were my everything. Now, you're gone.

Please, if the Eli I fell in love with is still there, don't feel guilty. It's my fault for falling for you in the first place.

Sam.

P.S. Don't come back for me.