Cut Out Hearts And Life Supports

I do what I do everyday; I cut out hearts. These ones are for my dad though. I silently wish to him that he'll be watching over me today as Tyson brings me to the park where I went when my mom first left me. He says that after four months, I should be able to go there and move on.

Yeah, you heard me.

It's been four months since my mom left me. four months. I stopped sobbing every night finally. Now I just silently cry. Cry for her, maybe. Cry from my hatred towards her, most likely.

But I have Tyson now. Someone to help me up when I fall, someone to comfort me when the pain gets too strong, someone to show me affection and love. This is what he and I have: love.

I smile as I hear him open the bathroom door and hop off the bed. He smirks at me and walks over to me, wrapping his arms around my waist. He trails slow, teasing kisses up my neck to my lips then kisses me softly.

I grudgingly pull away when he slides his tongue along my lower lip. "You know that I need to take a shower."

He pouts, "Can't it wait for like twenty minutes?"

"twenty?" I shake my head and chuckle.

"Fine, ten. It can just be a quickie." He wiggles his eyebrows and trails a finger down the side of my body.

I playfully slap his shoulder. "Bad boy." I scold, shaking my finger and everything. "If you want to take me to the park then I need to shower. Now."

He sighs in defeat but then smirks as an idea comes to mind. "Can I," he pauses and puts his hands into the butt pockets of my skinny jeans, "join you in the shower?" He asks seductively.

I can feel my cheeks warm up as I picture him and I in the shower together. Kinky. But I find myself nodding and he's already getting stripped of his clothes.

I wait until I'm in the bathroom before taking off my clothes, laughing as Tyson runs into the bathroom fully naked. I test the water and once happy with the temperature, I take off my boxers.

I slowly step into the shower wear Tyson is already washing his body. "Day-um boy." He runs his hands down my body, his touch and the warm water making me shiver with pleasure. I close my eyes, liking the feel of the water pelting my body. I can feel Tyson stepping closer to me. "I love you Gale."

My heart stops inside my chest and I snap open my eyes. His face is serious and the gentle hold he has on me is the only thing from keeping me upright. My heart starts beating twice its speed and twice as loud. He had said it like there was nothing big about it, like we were on a romantic stroll instead of standing in his shower.

He places a hand on my cheek and looks into my eyes closely, like he's looking for something beneath the surface. A bigger reaction maybe? But how can I react at all to the words he had just spoken?

"I know that when I said this it should have been more special, more meaningful." He explains, hand gently stroking my cheek like I'll disappear if he presses too hard. "I couldn't hold it in any longer though. I needed you to know just how strong my feelings are for you."

My heart is so filled with love, so filled with emotion that I feel as if it will combust. With tears of pure joy, I cup his face in my hands and kiss him.

I kiss him with as much passion as I can find inside of me. Kiss him fierce but gentle to show my love. I back him up into the shower wall and I'm truly happy that he has a big hot water tank. I pull away but keep my hands on his face, staring into his deep brown eyes. He stares back and before I fell in love, I would be nervous. But I overcame that phobia because with Tyson, I can conquer anything.

"I love you too." I say in a soft voice, grin spread across my face. "I love you so much."

~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

Tyson parks his car along the neighborhood park and turns off the engine. I take a deep breath, a shaky one from the many memories with my mom here but then look back at him. He takes my hand and gives it a squeeze.

"You ready?" He asks softly, kissing my fingers.

I nod and he lets go of my hand to get out. We walk through the entrance of the park, the colours and beauty of it seeming almost foreign to me now. The park is surprisingly empty, but it is during school hours. That's why Tyson picked now to go: so we would be alone, or at least as close as it gets to being alone at a public park.

I graze my hand over the swing sets, remembering all the times my dad would give me underdogs. Remembering all the times that mom would push me, full of laughter. I also remember the not so good times, like the first time we came back here after my dad died. Mom broke down crying, cussing at the sky for taking him away from us.

The park became a memorial place for us. We came here at least once a week to do something that we always did with dad, talking about great times we had and how he will always watch over us. The first couple of months were full of tears and sadness when we came, but slowly went back to the place where we could have a few good laughs.

I close my eyes and a tear rolls down my cheek. I don't know what for though, if it's because I'm sad or because I'm happy. Perhaps both.

This was also where I first told mom that I was gay. I sit on one of the swings silently as I take in the memory.

I was fourteen and the confusion about my sexuality had finally gone away. Did I like girls? Or was it boys? What about both? I was so confused when I started having sexual dreams about other boys in grade 9 and that when I kissed my girlfriend, I automatically wiped my lips when she wasn't looking. Something wasn't right and I was too scared to talk to my mom about it.

I finally figured out I was gay when I kissed a boy. It was just one peck but my body wanted that kiss to keep going. Unfortunately since I could get turned me on so easily at the time, I got an erection in front of him but he just laughed and said, "Yep, you're definitely gay.".

It had felt like my world was crashing down because I knew that my mom would never approve. Ever since dad died, she had been soft and fragile; telling her I was gay would be a tragedy. But another part of me was relieved that I had finally found out what was wrong with me. I knew that I didn't have to worry so much because this path was already chosen.

I realized that I had to tell her that I was gay when she kept asking if there was any girls I was interested in at the moment. It drove me crazy because she didn't even know the real me, her own son.

So I brought her to the park.

We swung on the swings side by side and she kept bringing up memories of dad. It was hard to get her to listen because that's what we usually went to the park for, dad.

"Mom." I said, trying to get her attention. "Mom, I need to tell you something."

She looked at me and smiled, nodding for me to continue. I had taken a deep breath to tell her the truth but then she started talking again. The silence at the park always brought her to tears. The silence reminded her that dad would never be here with his voice, his laugh.

So I just blurted it out, hoping she would hear. "Mom, I'm gay."

Believe me, she heard it.

Her mouth dropped open and she just stared at me. That's all she did. No comforting words, no yelling, nothing. Anytime she looked at me, her eyes criticized unblinkingly.

This went on for days and I had never felt so alone in my life.

I blink and am back in the present. Back on the swing where my mom had sat when I told her. Back with Tyson beside me, looking at me like he'd jump in front of a bullet for me.

My mom had started talking to me again a week later. It was still awkward, but at least she was talking. I guess now I know what she was thinking, how hard it must of been to pretend to be my best friend when really, she never really wanted to see my face.

I slide of of the swing and sit on the ground cross-legged. I pull out the hearts that I had cut out for her from my hoody pockets. Then my pant pockets, and then all of Tyson's pockets. I pull out all of the cut out hearts I made for her, from the day she first left me four months ago, to today. I set all of the heart on the ground; then pull out a piece of red cardboard paper and black-handled scissors. With it, I cut out one last heart for her.

A heart filled with love and acceptance. No sadness and no anger because I have none left. All I feel right now is happiness. Because without her leaving, I wouldn't have went to the park. Tyson wouldn't have wondered why I was crying. We wouldn't have fallen in love.

So thank-you mom. Thank-you for helping me find Tyson.

With this thought, I leave the many cut out hearts and stand up.

I walk to Tyson who is a couple steps away and grab onto his hand tightly. We walk away together, me always holding on. Him never letting go.

For he is my life support.