Going Down In History

I got up that morning not trying to wake Chris. I was going to leave the apartment and not disturb him while doing so. It was his wish anyway. I had never unpacked my duffel bag, so I didn't really need that. I took my time showering and getting ready for the walk ahead of me. I was going back to Joey's place to stay this time, but only until Chris found what he was looking for.

I scribbled a note onto a piece of paper that I left on our makeshift kitchen table. It just explained that he needed to call me when he had everything figured out and anytime that he just wanted to talk to me. Nothing to special.

I took a last glance at his sleeping figure, a long last glance. He looked so adorable. His arm was spread over the mattress where I had lay. His hair was in his eyes and he just looked completely at peace. I didn't want to leave, but he wanted me to.

I took a breath and walked out the door and into the new world. It would be weird living without him, but it was only temporary right? Right? I silently closed the door behind me and took a step into the cool Californian air. This was the first time I had left like this, not angry or upset. Well, I was upset, but not in the way you would expect.

You're going to fall for him.

"Who?" This couldn't look good. Talking to myself while walking down the street was bound to draw attention to me. I just kept it quiet.

Joey, you fool.

"I am not. I'm not even attracted to Joey. I love Chris and that's all that matters right now." This was true. There was no way in hell that I would fall for Joey, he was just an acquaintance after all.

Yeah right. In love with a man that is so willing to throw you out on the street. Feeling grow sweetie.

I just huffed. I didn't want to respond because I was too stubborn to argue with myself. I heard it cackle and then go silent, but the doubt was already placed in my head. Was I going to fall for him? I didn't think so, but you can never be too sure.

I stopped on the sidewalk, debating whether I should even go to his apartment. I had no where else to go though. I couldn't afford my own place or a hotel for as long as Chris needed his space. It was either the apartment or living on the streets.

My pace picked up again and I found myself looking around the city, hoping to see something for sale that wasn't expensive, but everything was expensive in California. I gave up eventually and stopped outside a small cafe to grab something to eat.

I took my time eating, fully knowing what I had to face in my very near future. What if Chris was just leading me on? Saying that he needed space and then just letting me fall while he moved away. Oh god. What if he just left me?

I had to get these thoughts out of my head. Chris would never do such a thing and I was being stupid and obsessive just thinking about it. I guess I have to grow up sooner or later. I knew Chris was going to be here forever. Or, at least, I hoped he would.

I was mad at myself now for thinking such things. I was even more mad about the voice in my head that had led me to thinking about these things. It's like it can tell exactly what's going to happen in my life, but I hoped to god that nothing it said about Joey was going to come true.

I forgot about my bagel that was in my hand. A couple stared at me from across the cafe and I think they were worried about the way I hadn't moved in about five minutes. I snapped out of my gaze and took a small bite out of my bagel.

What was I going to do now? There was a prediction that I was going to ruin everything by having feelings for someone else. I could see a vision of what that would be like and let me tell you it wasn't pretty.

I refused myself to have any sort of emotion from now on, unless it was with Chris. I did love him after all and he did love me. I quickly gulped down my bagel and was out the door once more. This was my choice, and I could deny everything if it came down to it.

I wouldn't ruin my relationship. Everything that we had built up would be shattered by one stupid voice that was in my head. I would not let that happen.