A Sunrise On the East Side

Funerals were insufferable for me. Not to say that other people didn't particularly like them. I had only ever been to one other though, and I had been younger than five. That had been for my grandfather and I didn't recollect one part of it. So I tried to implore myself to bring that adolescent mind back and make me not be able to remember. Begging maybe wasn't really the way to treat myself. But I managed to make it all a blur. I recalled all the people and all the crying. I remembered my mom ignoring me any of the times that we came in contact. I also remembered skipping the luncheon held afterward and going back to the house to get trashed with Kegan. The alcohol was a wonderful tool in making everything forgettable.

The night I had gotten here, I had obviously not slept. I was glad I hadn't because that meant I was with my grandma when it happened. But I wasn't alone through it. Both my mom and brother were up the whole night, and I was once again glad to have someone to share my insomnia with even if they didn't know that's what this was. When we finally made it back to the house the next afternoon, Jack wasn't there. I had told him he didn't have to be, but I had wished deep down he wouldn't listen to me. I fell into my old bed that held all the smells I now subconsciously associated with him, and they somehow lulled me to sleep until the next morning. I woke, for the first time in forever, completely refreshed and ready to face my mother. Little did I know that my views still overpowered the death of her mother. Most of the planning had been done over the past week, starting on the day I had gotten the first call. A lot of it had to be adjusted to make the viewing happen that day and the funeral the next, but it was all easily done. She simply pretended as if I wasn't here and didn't ask for any sort of help.

I tried to hold onto the feeling anyway, pretend Jack was still here to let my mind stray and keep me strong like he was so good at. But his scent didn't last long in my sheets and I wasn't sleeping again. I wasn't completely out of it for the funeral, hence why I had to try so hard to block it out. The day after though, I was losing it slightly. I was restless simply because I was anxious to get back to Baltimore. The worst part was knowing that I couldn't just yet because things had to be done here to ensure that I never had to come back.

The morning after, I refused to just sit and spend time in the house with my sleeping brother and my mother who didn't want me along with her husband. I also thought it would be nice to get home any time before the sun set. Of course I was awake all night, and I was out the door early to walk off the excessive amounts of alcohol. Nothing was open yet, so I couldn't buy overpriced coffee and had to survive on the day-old stuff my mom had made. It wasn't all that terrible since I was still drunk, and I drank quite a bit of it from the thermos stuffed in my purse as I roamed the streets I wished I didn't know by heart.

I thought about calling Jack to keep me company as the sun climbed higher in the sky. But chances were, he was still asleep and I didn't want to wake him up after he had already done a lot for me. I was sure he had more important things to do while he was home than talk to me anyway. So I paced slowly along sidewalks and brushed my fingers across every tree trunk as I passed just to waste the time. When I finally came up on the building I'd had in mind all along, I breathed a sigh of relief and pulled open the glass-plated door.

I knew the layout of this place like I did either of my houses. I had spent every weekday here since junior year, when they had convinced me to work here. Though it was only an underground music magazine, it still had a strong following and a staff that was more like a family. The latter was what had sold me and I became part of that family. Working here was what decided me not to go to college -minus a few writing and journalism classes- and forget about the long years I would have to spend to get to study the galaxy. I liked it here quite a lot and writing was much easier, so I never had a problem with giving up my dream. I would keep working for them as long as they wanted me.

Passing all the cubicles on the second floor where all my friends still spent their work hours, I went unnoticed. Everyone was still in their sleepy stupors, oblivious to anything that wasn't coffee or their computer screens. There was only one other person wandering around like I was and he was so solely focused on the papers in his hands that he didn't notice me. He turned into his office when I was about ten feet away, and I planned on following him in. But he backtracked, peeking out the doorway right at me.

"Kenley?" he said disbelievingly. "Why are you back here?" he asked, walking back out to come toward me.

"Well, I don't know, Al. Why are you here?" I countered jokingly.

He laughed at me with a shake of his head. He shoved all the papers together to hold them in one hand before opening his arms for a hug. With a grin, I stepped into them. "No, really. I didn't expect to see you back here so soon. How's Maryland?" he questioned, breaking from me and crossing his arms.

"It's good," I nodded. "No, it's amazing. I didn't think I'd like being back so much." I laughed at realizing how true this was. Leaving here, it had seemed like a near death sentence to go live with my dad. I had really planned on staying here until everything happened. With how much I loved living in my childhood home, I had forgotten about dreading it and leaving behind what I had here. It kind of made coming back suck that much more. "There was a death in the family though, so here I am," I told him as he led us into his office. It was still just as I remembered it. I couldn't get over that nothing was changing when I always expected everything to.

Al sat in his chair, setting all the papers on his desk in a neat stack to sort through later. He reclined back slightly with a frown on his face when everything was in order. "I'm sorry to hear that. You know I would have come to pay my respect," he informed me. He tucked his hands behind his head, resting there like someone would at the end of a long day.

I nodded again. "I know. It was so last minute though. A friend had to drive me up and then everything kind of just happened," I explained softly once I'd sat on the couch on the other side of the room. I shrugged, telling him that it really was no big deal. I was fine going it alone because I hadn't wanted anyone there besides my brother. "But I couldn't leave without stopping here!" I changed the subject quickly and brightly. "I thought I would talk to you guys a bit more than I do since I still work here. Alas, we're all terrible at social communication."

He chuckled and smiled at me, clearly agreeing. I was sure he didn't care much. No matter how close we all were, it was still all about business and actually working. It was also much easier to converse about things that didn't have to do with the magazine when we were in the same town together. "We'll have to get a drink while you're in town then. Does anyone else know you're here yet?" he inquired, looking out the open door at the twenty or so people pretending to be hard at work so early in the morning.

I shook my head in reply. "I didn't want to distract anyone," I lied. Really, I just wasn't sure if I wanted to see any of them yet, no matter how much I had wanted to come. "I'm actually leaving right after this. But next time I'm back, we'll get everyone together," I promised, and shot him a smile. An empty promise. I had no plans of coming back. I stood, saying how I should get going and giving apologies that I couldn't stay longer before heading toward the door. "Oh, and I'll get that review to you tomorrow," I told him with a wink. He chuckled once more and gave me a thumbs up. I grinned at him but let it fade the further I got from the office. Maybe I had been expecting too much of this visit. Even if I wasn't, it was still left me wondering why I had bothered stopping by.

I pushed back out to the street after I'd gone unrecognized once more. I had been good friends with all of those people and had hoped to get sidetracked by a conversation at least once. Wishful thinking and me being fickle, apparently. With a sigh, I pulled my phone out and searched briefly for Kegan's number. As it rang, I pressed it to my ear and begged no one in particular that he would be awake. I was elated when he actually picked up, his voice groggy.

"Are you busy?" I asked him, starting down the sidewalk. "Any time today?" I added. Just because he may be lying around right now didn't mean he wouldn't have plans later.

He took a moment to answer, probably searching through his hazy mind for the right answer. "Sleeping off this gnarly hangover we're both supposed to have?" he responded, making it a question with how confused he sounded. I could hear him getting up though, moving around his room at a slow pace.

"Obviously, you're under five foot twin can handle her alcohol better," I mocked with a satisfied smirk he obviously couldn't see. "Do you want to come pick me up… and then take me home?" I questioned, easing into it. It was a long way to drive, especially hungover. But I was more than ready to get out of here with absolutely no one else to ask. And if he was willing to go, I had no problem being the one to drive down. "And could you grab my duffel bag? I didn't even unpack, so you don't have to worry about that."

"Home as in dad's," Kegan stated, his words rolling off his tongue like they were completely foreign. Was it because he thought I was insane or because he was too hungover? I didn't say anything, hoping he was thoroughly mulling it over. After a moment, he sighed and I knew it was him making his decision. "Yeah, that's not a problem. Road trips are always a good time when you're not taking them with Tom Green. Where are you?"

I rolled my eyes at him and his favorite so-called comedy. I told him where I was once I looked around and took in my surroundings. He promised that he'd get me in ten minutes and we hung up without a parting word. There wasn't any point in walking any further, so I dropped my bag from my shoulder and sat next to where it landed on the sidewalk. The morning was still practically dead, only a few cars passing on the road in front of me. All the kids would still be sleeping, taking advantage of their summer days. With nothing else to keep my attention, I unlocked my phone and brought up my texts. I had told myself I wouldn't, but I broke my own rule and texted Jack to let him know I would be home today. My heart fluttered slightly when his joyous reply came not even a minute later and he told me he was excited to see me. Everything I had felt about being here was washed away by the happiness about going back to Lutherville.

I didn't have to wait on the side of the street for long. Kegan's familiar Intrepid pulled up after I'd been there for a few minutes. I slid into the passenger seat, peeking in the backseat to make sure he had remembered my things as I closed the door. We didn't talk at all as we started on our way. The only sound was that of the tires against the asphalt. I put my feet up on the seat and crossed my legs Indian-style. My fingers ran along the seat's edges, skipping along the many burn marks from all the cigarette ashes that had missed the ashtray or window when Kegan's friends road along. Only one of those burns was from me, from a time I had been too distracted by anger. But it still brought back a ton of memories that didn't even involve the car. It still made me glad I didn't smoke anymore.

"I'm moving out," Kegan said suddenly, breaking the silence that had been strong for a good hour. I glanced over at him to see that he was gripping the steering wheel tightly, his knuckles white. Anger wasn't his base emotion. It was only there to cover up fear and guilt. It was there because he was just as disgusted with our mother as I should have been for how she treated me, through the past year and in the last couple of days. She was clearly the reason he had made the same decision I had. When I didn't say anything for a minute, he calmed down and loosened his grip like I had wanted.

"Where to? Are you going to stay here?" I asked. Something told me there was no way he was even going to stay in Michigan. But he certainly wasn't going to pull a Kenley and move to Maryland. I was closer with dad, but Kegan couldn't particularly tolerate either parent. He had slipped passed mom's radar long enough to stay when I hadn't, but that was because he avoided her.

His shaking head caught my attention. "I'm thinking Chicago. Maybe somewhere warmer," he replied. "Or hell, Tanner asked me to come out on the road with his band. Maybe a van can be home for a few months." He chuckled once, knowing it was a crazy sounding idea. He was thinking outside of box though and I loved that.

I giggled, facing him completely. "Tanner's band is horrible. That's a lot of screechy sets to sit through," I pointed out. I hadn't been exaggerating about it when I told Jack all the local bands were terrible.

Kegan laughed and ran a hand through his hair as he nodded in agreement.

Sometimes, it still shocked me how much we could look alike. Our hair was the same exact color, the same chestnut no matter how many other colors we made it. Our facial features matched but were made different by our feminine and masculine qualities, respectably. Our eyes, that same amber. I was curious if his did the glowing bit like mine evidently did.

The trip wasn't like the one with Jack. We didn't keep up conversation the whole drive because he probably didn't really have it in him like a certain clever, eccentric boy. But it was just as enjoyable. I had told myself that disaster made us miss each other, and now tragedy was bringing us together like nothing else had been able to. After so long of barely talking or being around each other, I had never taken the time to realize how alike we really were and I had forgotten just how easily we got along. It was almost like when my dad and I reconnected. Expecting less and receiving so much more.

We spent a bit longer driving down than it would have normally taken. We stopped at nearly every rest stop, checking out what restaurant each had until we were satisfied with something for lunch. We sat outside in the nice weather to eat greasy hamburgers and talked about the all the pets we had had growing up, choosing the first random topic that came to mind. He reminded me how though the house could be full of animals, I was never fully satisfied because all I wanted was a hedgehog. I burst out laughing at the memories, almost knocking over my drink and then went on about how I had tried all through high school to get one. Since I had been home, I'd forgotten about this ambition. I vowed to him that I would get a hedgehog before the year was over, whether he thought I was joking or not. We were just searching for something to talk about, to keep our minds occupied and fill a silence neither of us liked. This is how we did it simply because we were the same kind of odd.

I offered to take the wheel after the first stop, and I was happy to drive the remainder of the miles. I got to make all those turns again, go in all those same directions, see all the same things I had the day I had come back to Maryland. The day I got to be happy again. It was the middle of the evening when I parked in the spot Shawn always took. The sun was low in the sky that it bathed in gold but it still had a couple hours until it disappeared below the horizon. Most yards were empty, families all eating dinner in their houses or on back patios. My car was not the only one in the driveway, accompanied by my dad's. I felt horrible, remembering that I hadn't let him know that I was leaving or that I was okay. But he knew where I was. I had made sure of that when Kegan had first told me.

I turned the car off, handing my brother the keys when I took them from the ignition. "Come in and see dad," I suggested, my voice showing how hopeful I was. "He misses you." I didn't know if this was positive information. There was that intuition though. He had missed me, no matter how much work he still had himself into. Kegan was essentially the other half to the whole.

"But it's been-" he began.

"A year, I know. Don't make it so long next time. Come on," I demanded now, and exited the car quickly. Purposely, I left my bag in the back and started toward the door. I heard him follow just a second later and I let a pleased smile cover my lips.

Our dad was on the couch when I walked through the door with Kegan right behind me. He shot up, coming over to me automatically. "Honey, are you all right? Jack came by the day after you left and told me what was going on," he said, and pulled me into a hug.

I blushed. Not because of the hug but because of the words. Jack hadn't told me he'd enlightened my dad on everything. He was such a damn sweetheart. No other words could describe him. "Yeah, I'm okay," I assured him.

He nodded when I broke from him, a sad smile adorning his face. He didn't even have to think twice before enveloping Kegan in the same tight embrace he had me in. I smiled lightly at the two of them. Mother in the picture or not, this was all the family that mattered to me now.

My brother had seemed so worried that it would be awkward for him to come inside. But that wasn't the case at all and we easily convinced him to stay for dinner. Though it was only takeout, it was arguably the best meal I'd ever had because of the company. Even as I fidgeted and frequently changed positions, anxious because I had already mentally made plans to leave once more. I tried to stick around for as long as possible but with the sun set, it was hard not to be bouncing on the balls of my feet in anticipation.

Kegan was more than welcome to stay and sleep in my bed if he was wary of driving back now, and I let him know that. My dad backed me up, but offered Kegan's old room since it was still obviously his and probably more comfortable. They were both giving me curious looks though. "I know that I just got back and everything, but I have to go see Jack," I rushed out, trying so hard to keep a smile off my face. The blush was a little tougher to ward off. "I'll be back as soon as I can." And I gave them both a hug and kiss on the cheek before hurrying out the door to go thank Jack whatever way he would accept.