Barbed Wire and Buttercup

It was heartbreaking; watching Leon getting worse each day. Watching him become iller as the days went by. Seeing him in pain. Watching him as he got closer and closer to his death. It was heartbreaking. Especially knowing that there was nothing I could do about it. Well, there was, actually. I just didn’t know it at the time.

It was a couple of weeks after he had been diagnosed with cancer. Alec was working, as a police officer. Elyse was due to arrive the next day, and Dyani was with Alec’s parents for the day. It was about 9oclock on a sunny Sunday morning, the middle of summer; I wasn’t sure of the exact date. Me and Leon were in the conservatory, playing with some of his toy soldiers. He’d been acting strange all morning: quiet, unactive, not really wanting to do anything. I’d brought him out here because I couldn’t just stand there and watch him sitting on the sofa, his face staring blankly at the TV as the characters from his favourite cartoon darted across the screen. He wasn’t really watching it, I could tell. His eyes were focused on the wall behind the television, but not actually seeing it. He was in a trance-like state. His arms were folded over his chest, as if he was holding it together. Almost like he was afraid that if he let go, he would fall apart.

Even now, as he held one of his soldiers in his hand, his other arm was clutching his side. He was still in his pyjamas, and he didn’t move much. It scared me.

“Lee? Are you okay, hun?” He didn’t move, almost like he didn’t hear me. I touched his shoulder. He jumped slightly, and turned to face me, forcing a smile on his lips. He didn’t fool me.

“Are you okay, Leon?” He gave a small nod.

“Come on. Tell me, what’s wrong? You seem upset today.”

“I...” He trailed off.

“Hmm?” He looked down.

There was a short pause, silence. Then he whispered:

“My heart hurts, Mummy. It hurts.”

It broke my heart when he said this. It killed me, mentally and emotionally. I took a deep breath. I could feel the tears gathering in my eyes, threatening to fall. I gathered him in my arms, and held him close to me.

“I’m sorry, baby,” I whispered into his ear. “I’m so sorry.”

I let the tears come then. They slipped down me cheeks, and landed on his shoulder, making his shirt damp. I could feel him sobbing, his shoulders shaking. His silent tears landed on me, as mine did him.

I’m not sure how long we sat there, crying on each other. An hour, maybe two. But eventually, it stopped. We stopped. His shoulders stopped moving, and I heard him sniff. I pulled away, and wiped my eyes with the palms of my hands. I then stroked Leon’s cheeks with my thumbs, wiping away the stray tears that were left falling halfway down his face. I gave him a small, watery smile, the kind that says ‘Everything’s going to be okay, I promise’. I stood up.

“Come on.” I said. “Let’s go get you dressed, huh?”

I put my hand out for him. He took it, and stood up, too.

---<>---

Later that day, we were sitting in the living room. He was drawing a picture, and I was reading a book. He suddenly put his pencils down and pushed his chair out from under the table.

“Mummy?” he said.

I closed my book, and put it down.

“Yes, hun?” His eyes scanned the room slowly, before finally settling on me.

“Am I going to die?” he asked me quietly.

I took in a breath, and slowly exhaled, before walking over to where he was and kneeling next to him. This is what I’d been dreading.

I took his face in my hands and looked him in the eyes.

“No.” I promised. “You’re not going anywhere, I swear to you. You’ll get better soon, and in a few years, you’ll forget that you were ever ill. You’ll be fine. Okay?”

I placed a kiss on his forehead, before taking his hands in mine.

He nodded. “Okay, Mummy. I love you.”

“I love you too, Leon. More than my own life. I love you so much. I won’t let anything happen to you. Not now, not ever.” I promised him. I promised myself, too. I had to make sure he would survive this. If he did, then he would be able to survive anything. like me dying.

This was the day when I first made my decision to give my heart to Leon. To give my life to save my son. He made my life. He deserved it more than I did. Without him, I wouldn’t want to live. There would be no point in living. Without him, I was already dead.