So Much

You were the quiet type. Words barely fell from those lips I loved. If you said anything, it was short and sweet. Always straight to the point. And your touch…was so soothing. I always had to gasp whenever you touched my skin. It felt so good. I felt safe in your arms, and I think you knew that. Is that what made you agree with your father for the first time? Were you scared? I was scared. You scared me shitless, to be honest. And I think I did the same to you.

The last five words you said to me scared me lifeless.

“I’ll see you soon, Luna.” You put your lips onto my forehead and then walked away. The front door closed loudly and a minute later, my mother stumbled in. And I know you’re gone.

"What just happened, Loon?" My mother asked. I shrugged my shoulders and walked out of the foyer, not wanting to talk about this. I entered the kitchen, shivering from the cold, December air. The window above the oven was cracked. Outside, the snow was falling hazardly. How you drove away, I don't know. You could barely see anything.

"Looney, what's going on?" My eldest sister, Melanie, asked. She held her pregnant stomache and stared at me.

"Thomas." I muttered. I wrapped my thin arms around me.

"What about him?" She asked. I just shook my head and walked over to the cupboard. I pulled out hot chocolate mix and made some. I made two packets for Melanie. She ate like a pig, which made sense. She was feeding two people. Herself and her child.

I took my cup and I went to my room. I sat there on my bed and drank my hot chocolate. Once I drained it all, I lit up a cigarette. I stopped smoking once I started dating you, but know that you’re gone, what's the point?

I wrapped myself in my old comforter and smoked that whole pack of cigarettes. Wishing you were there every second.



When you called me, I was surprised. I was lying in bed, smoking my fifth cigarette, when Melanie walked into my room, carrying the house phone.

"God, Luna, how many cigarettes have you smoked?" She asked. Her voice was loud, so I knew you heard. Now you knew that I started smoking again. I was scared when I took the phone from her. I was afraid you would hate me for it.

"Hello?" I asked. My voice was scratchy and raw from not talking in months.

"Luna, you've been smoking?" Was the first thing you said to me. My heart plummeted and I put out my cigarette.

"Yeah." I answered. I heard you sigh and I missed you so much right then. I wished you would come back and throw away my cigarettes and hold my hands. My hands were cold and numb. Your hands were always warm.

"Why?" You asked. I thought that was a stupid question.

"Because you aren't here anymore." I muttered into the receiver. You sighed again. I knew you were running your hands over your face.

"I know I'm not, Luna." You whispered. You sounded pained and broken. I wanted to put you back together again.

"When will I see you again?" I asked. You stayed quiet.

"I don't know."

"Thomas, I need you." I said to you.

"I know you do. I'll try and see you when I can. If I can."

And you hung up. I dropped the phone on my lap and lit up another cigarette. I stared out the window. The snow was falling faster than it was before.

Christmas is in one week. On December 25th, it would be our two year anniversary.

I haven't seen you in four months.



"Luna, get dressed." Melanie shouted at me. It was around eight in the morning. It was Christmas.

I lay covered in my blankets, shaking my head.

"No." I whispered.

"Yes. And, Oh, my God. It smells like a fire in here. I'm opening a window. Get your butt out of bed." Melanie shouted. I could hear the smile in her voice, so I knew she wasn't that mad.

"I'm not getting dressed." I hissed.

I got out of bed and stood in the middle of my room. Goosebumps decorated my skin as I followed Melanie down the stairs. She hobbled slowly and I walked patiently behind her.

Melanie had gotten knocked up by her boyfriend a few months ago. He left her when he found out.

"You know we are short on money this year so mom and I only got you one gift this year. Well...two really." Melanie said. I could hear the excitement in her voice.

When we reached the living room, my mother was sprawled out on the couch, holding a small box.

"You have to drive to this address to get yours. It was too big for a box." Melanie had told me. Her voice had a tone to it. She was extremely excited about this. My mother handed me a piece of paper with an address on it. It looked familiar in a way.

"Do I have to get pampered for this?" I ask. My voice sounded unfamiliar to me. I was even a little surprised.

“Yes, you do. Go put on that yellow, pretty dress.” Melanie had said. Her smile reached from ear to ear. Our smiles always looked the same. Everyone always said that. You did, Thomas. You said that to me. So, I walked up stairs and put on that dress. I hated it, but you loved it. I put on Melanie’s jacket after. It was grey and fancy. I put on boots and walked down stairs. Melanie’s grin grew when she saw me.

“You look awesome. Now go.” She said. Mom waved to me from the couch as I left the house. I lit up a cigarette as I got into my car.

I pulled out of my driveway and drove to the address. I ended up in an airport. I don’t know why, though. I walked inside, desperate for warmth, since my car’s heater broke a few days ago.

When I got inside, my mind thought of ideas. Why would I be here? You, Thomas, popped into my mind. It was logical, but why would you come and see me on Christmas? You wouldn’t want to.

Or you would. You stood there, in front of me. I jumped back in surprise. My heart stopped and I stared at you. You’re face was so beautiful. You had that smile on and your hair was perfect as always. You had your backpack on your shoulder that I bought you for your birthday. You always wanted it.

“Luna.” You whispered. My heart swelled at the sound of your voice and I fell into you. You wrapped your arms around me and kissed me. It was amazing. I felt safe again. I felt like I was put back together.

“I missed you.” I whispered when you pulled apart. You tangled your hands in my hair and I leant my forehead on your chest.

“I missed you, so much.”