You're My Guiding Light

Life after that night was filled with ups and downs, mainly concerning my chemotherapy. I ended up shaving all of my hair off to save me the pain of having to witness it fall out clump by clump, and Brian was supportive of it. He even gave me one of his bandanas and a fedora to wear on the days when I was feeling really self conscious about how I looked. Chemo made me violently ill in the morning no matter how hard I tried to keep all food down, but I looked in good enough shape for someone with an aggressive stage of cancer. At my most recent check-ups I had abandoned the thought of a family, I didn’t have the time nor did I have the physical strength to carry a baby full term. Besides, I felt that if I recovered from my cancer and got a clean bill of health, Brian and I would be getting our marriage annulled.
The thought pained me to no end. Brian and I had grown closer in our friendship and even though sex was a bit tedious in introduction, it was still everything it would have been in a romantic relationship. Brian had also developed the need to hover over me during physical activities such as sex, taking out the garbage, or anything that involved me breaking out into a sweat. He’d make sure I was one hundred percent comfortable, tend to my needs in the form of sex, or for the more chore like duties, insist that he could do them and then would proceed to do so.

Life for Brian and I was good, that much I could tell. I was fighting hard every day to beat my cancer, and he was supporting me like a solid rock. He had been right about the marriage one hundred percent. It gave me something to look forward to with each shot and injection of radiation and kept a smile on my face during the most painful procedures. He was my guiding light, and I loved him like no other.

“Baby girl, what are you up to?” Brian murmured, startling me from remembering.

I looked up at him with a soft smile, showing him the photo I was holding of our wedding night. He smiled a handsome smile and leaned down, his Marlboro filled breath gently whooshing on my face.

“That was a good night,” he murmured, pressing a kiss to my temple.

“It was a great night,” I agreed, reaching over to grab a fistful of his shirt front. “C’mere Mr. Haner.”

“My pleasure Mrs. Haner,” he teased, brushing noses with me before he kissed me full and deeply.

This time around, my stomach fluttered and for a panicked moment I feared I was going to be sick. But nausea never came and I passed it off as nothing, instead, dropping the photo back to the table and wrapping my arms around my husband’s neck.

“Mmm, Mrs. Haner. This is by far one of the best good mornings I’ve received in a while,” he rumbled as we pulled away, our foreheads resting together.

I struggled with the words I desperately desired to say, unsure if he would get the context in which they were used. My feelings for Brian had grown considerably since we had gotten married, and our connection was deep like none other. I feared I was the only one that felt this, because every time Brian told me he loved me he’d use a name like ‘kiddo’, or ‘best friend’. It lacked the romantic vibe I was starting to give off for him, and it bothered me a lot to know that I had taken this out of hand and forced him to revaluate the situation. In other words, I was falling in love with my best friend, something I had never thought could happen, and he wasn’t showing the signs of reciprocating my feelings.

“You’re sweating. Are you feeling okay?” he asked, touching my cheek gently.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I said with a laugh, loving how caring he was being.

His smile widened a little bit, and he once more touched his lips to mine.

“Do you want something to eat?” I asked him, gently taking his hand into mine and squeezing his long fingers.

“We can skip breakfast and go right to the sex,” he teased, placing a kiss on my forehead.

“You’re so funny Brian,” I said with a smirk, squeezing his hand again. “But really, I’m in the mood for some pancakes. You want some?”

“Absolutely!” he cheered enthusiastically, a grin similar to a young child’s lighting up his face.

“Okay, go relax in the living room and I’ll bring some out in a little bit.”

Brian suddenly looked at me, his chocolate eyes seemingly darker and his lips pulled taught into a firm line. I looked back at him, utterly confused as his hand left mine and trailed up to my chest. At first I thought he was leading elsewhere, until he placed his palm flat over my heart. He closed his eyes and inhaled sharply, instantly pulling away.

“We need to get you to a hospital. Now!” Brian exclaimed, grabbing my arm with one hand and my car keys with the other.

“Brian?!” I asked shrilly, too shocked to do anything but let him drag me out of the kitchen and into the foyer.

My heart was racing in my chest so fast that it started to hurt, and only then did I noticed how fucking hot I was getting. Every inch of my body that was covered with my purple sundress felt like my skin was falling away and leaving an oozing, burning sensation. I ripped my arm out of Brian’s grasp and staggered to the nearest wall, leaning my weight on it.

“Autumn! Autumn, look at me!” I could hear Brian saying, but the look on his face suggested that he was actually screaming the words.

My hearing swam with a strange sound and my breath came in raspy, outlandish intervals. My chest felt the scariest of all, for each time I inhaled, it felt as if my chest was being compressed with liquid. I was drowning in my own body.

“Autumn, stay with me baby! Please! Oh god, please stay with me!” Brian cried.

I looked up at him, confused as to why his entire body was hovering over mine. Had I fallen without realizing it?

“Fuck Autumn! Please!” As he said this, his eyes filled with tears that raced down his cheeks.

Bewildered, I raised my hand as high as I could and let my fingertips graze across his skin. “I love you.”

“Autumn please! I love you too. I’m in love with you. Just please, stay with me!”

My eyes grew heavy, the thudding of my heart too fast for me to comprehend. Was this it? Was I really going to die in Brian’s arms in such a tragic way?

“I fucking love you,” he sobbed, tears still streaming down his cheeks. The sorrow on his face was nothing I’d ever be able to forgive myself for if I made it through this. “I don’t know how or when I did but I fell in love with you. How could I not? You are perfect for me and I never realized it. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before, baby. I’m so sorry if I made you lose out on knowing you found love. Please.”

He loved me. It took him months, nearly a year to gain the courage to say it, and when he did it followed what I believed in my brain to be a tragic ending. I was going to die here, on the floor of our house with him holding me. I wanted to fight so hard to stay with him. He said he loved me and he meant it, and that was my world.

“I love you Brian.”

“I know baby, I know. I love you too, believe me. I’ve never loved anyone the way I love you. Can you please just stay?” he begged, squeezing my hands.

The touch felt weak and barely there, making tears come to my eyes. Please, I don’t want to leave him.

“I love you, I love you, I love you,” he chanted over and over again, bending his head down so that his lips met mine in an electrifying kiss. “I love you so fucking Autumn Nicole Haner. Always.”

Those beautiful words. Those were the last words I ever heard him say as I slipped away into nothing and died in my lovers arms.