Reasons For This Lifestyle You Call Suicide

Pete and I have been kinda avoiding all subject on what I said to him. The guys came home and Patrick wouldn't let me go for the rest of the night. It was actually relieving. He started singing to me and tighten his grip on me gently.

Let me be the one who calls you baby
All the time
Surely you can take some comfort
Knowing that you're mine
Just hold me tight, lay by my side
and let me be the one who calls you
Baby all the time

I couldn't stop shivering, feeling like I was empty, something never right. I was starting to cry and Patrick was scared as hell. I know he was. I buried my head into his chest more and leaned his head onto mine. He hummed the rest of Smother Me and I tried to suffice my sobs so I could comfort him. God, I felt so bad. I was going to tear this band apart with those words I said. The look on Peter's face when we were in the car told me that. I know he loved me, but this love wasn't meant to be. We had our own people to take care of. They'd fall apart without us and we couldn't risk any of it.

Family does not break families apart. It's wrong.

And I broke that rule.

"I'm sorry Patrick. I thought I could handle this, but I'm just a kid still, aren't I?" I stuttered through my sobs.

"Babe, what are you talking about? You've done nothing wrong except drink too much..." he whispered.

"I don't think before I say things. Don't kill Pete because it's not his fault..." I rambled.

"What about Pete?" he asked. He sounded a bit hurt, like this isn't the first time a conversation in this situation started like that....

"I asked him if he loved me."

"and?"

"He said no."

"So what's the problem?"

"I'm sorry that I even asked him that question because I was confused with my emotions."

"Ah, Jen... who are you with right now, confessing small incidents like that to?" he asked, smiling into my hair.

"Umm, you?" I said, scooting a little bit away from his frame to see a dark blob that was his body.

"Lemme ask this then, do you love me?"

"Yes," I said firmly.

All he did was chuckle slightly and said, "People love many people, but it's who we are with and who we are able to tell even the smallest sins to. No, that doesn't even count as a sin. Honey, you were honest and that's what matters. If you allow yourself to tell me those things and believe it's wrong in your head, then I'm still gonna love you, no matter what. I won't be angry with your decisions."

I pushed him back down and put my arms around his body. I kissed him softly at first, but he wouldn't let me go. His arms held me to him as kissed me back. Our tongues clashed and his hands trailed to my lower back. My hands held onto his fine hair. He kissed down my neck and his hands touched my skin underneath my shirt. Just as things were about to get heavy, I heard a banging noise. I jumped and hit my head on the ceiling.

"Okay, we get it, you two are making up and making out, but don't go any where after that. I don't want nightmares," Joe said from below.

"Trohman, you're jealous because my girlfriend's here and we can actually have sex and your's is thousands of miles away."

"No, I don't want nightmares, you jerk. I don't need imagery either!"

"TMI guys," Pete said softly, probably trying to ignore the whole night anyways.

I fixed my shirt and got out of the bed to Joe's. Patrick moaned in disagreement. I opened Joe's curtain to see him looking up, his hands behind his head. I jumped him and hugged him tightly. He yelled for a second, scared from my attack.

"Joseph, you know I love you, but Patrick and I were settling things. You interfered, darn you." I said, "It's still my birthday for..." I checked his phone quickly, " three more minutes.."

"Why did we go to bed so early?" Joe asked, suprised as hell.

"Not the point," I said sternly, "My birthday, my rules for three more minutes."

"Two now," Andy said. Him and Pete started laughing.

"Fine, two. Joe, I love ya and all, but I need to screw Patrick sometime. Those things happen."

"Stop!!" he cried, "You can do that shit all you want, just when the rest of us aren't here!! We don't wanna hear it!!"

"Joe does, he's lying." Andy taunted.

"Uno minute..." Pete said in the background of Andy and Joe's bickering.

I hugged Joe and gave his a kiss on the cheek, ran over to Andy, did the same thing, went down to Pete's, did the same thing quickly, not thinking about it at all, and climbed up back into Patrick's arms.

"5, 4, 3, 2, 1.... HAPPY NEW DAY everybody! Jenny's officially 21 and was able to get to second base with the whole band in under one minute. Tell the world Jennifer, how's it like to break Peter Wentz's record?" Pete said, acting like a newscaster.

"Pretty goddamn good."