Reasons For This Lifestyle You Call Suicide

What the fuck was she thinking?

I glared at her for a split second with that thought playing through my head for the last 39 seconds. Though now, she was in my arms. Freaking out from being helpless to an overly large slut. So this is what the public thought of me..... I really felt offended now. I always thought it was funny, but now... wow.

I walked her back to the booth. The boys were still dancing their white boy moves and I only chuckled at them sadly. If they only knew that was happening. I narrowed my eyes at the man as he gained concience and just started dancing with another chick. Sick motherfu-.

"Peter?" Jen asked, her voice barely audible through the music.

"Yeah?" I yelled, encouraging her to speak a little louder.

She motioned me to come near her, "Can you call Patrick and tell him that we're going back to the bus? I'm feeling a bit sick right now."

She did look a bit pale....

"Okay," I said hesitantly.

I called 'Trick and told him that Jen wasn't feeling good so I would drop her off at the bus. He started to freak, but he couldn't find his way to the booth and wanted to know why she felt sick. I could just tell him she drank too much, but he knew her better than that... I smiled apologetically to the phone and told him I'd give him an explanation later. I hung up the phone and walked Jenny out.

"You weren't joking that day were you?" she said slowly as we both got into the car.

"What?" I asked, "I joke with you everyday, that's not helpful ya know," I shot her a gleaming smiled.

She giggled a little. She only did that when she was nervous though....

"What's wrong?"

"Is it wrong for me to feel completely split between two wonderful people who are complete opposites?" she asked sadly.

"No," I said quickly, "That means that you don't just go with loving one man or another. When you feel like choosing, it means that it's serious love. Something real and not fake like my fans' love for me. Not saying they don't, but it's that term.... infatuation. It's not really real."

"Wow..." she said, startled by my answer.

"Why, who are you split up about with Patty?" I laughed.

She was really quite and I thought she passed out for a second. I remember how serious she was about this conversation so as we pulled to a red light, I looked at her.

"Who Jen?"

"Peter."

"Peter?"

"Yeah, he's really sweet."

"Do I know this Peter?" If it was me, wouldn't she just say 'you?'

"Yeah, you've met him. You don't like him too much, kinda gets on your nerves once in a while. You always tell me that and I just gotta roll my eyes because I really think he's this sweet guy down there, but he gives off this drama look with everyone else."

"Oh...." I said, turning left towards the parking lot of the stadium we played at earlier that day.

"Damn Pete," she laughed hysterically, "I'm talking about you for Jeebus sake."

I stopped the car and looked at her. She wasn't looking at me anymore, but shaking her head as she laughed and plugged her I-pod that 'Trick gave her into the stereo.

Cupid's Chokehold blasted in the background of us and I only looked at her, confused.

"That's is uncalled for and totally unfair to me and you," I said, speaking my mind out loud.

I frowned at what I said and kept staring at her.

"That is why I said, 'is it right for me to feel this way?'"she asked again, "Pete, do you really love me like you said that one night back in Chicago?"

My whole heart screamed out yes.
But the people I loved along with her; Patrick and Ashley, just to name a few, would be torn. Completely heartbroken that I would cancel my engagement to be with Jen and shred this second family I had apart. 'Trick loved her as passionately as I did for her. Though, he didn't know that. He's looked out for her since day one. What did I do? Looked out for her, but kept myself as good ole number one. I felt like crying when Cat and Mouse by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus began to play through my ears. I felt sick from the thought of how well songs lined up with people's lives.

"No Jenny.... I don't. I was kidding... and Patrick loves you more than you know. He cares about your life so much. Sometimes he's ranting about how much he misses you when you're not around and how you make his life happy."

"I'm barely gone... I'm like your tour manager practically." she spoke softly, but I heard her voice cracking.

We sat in silence for a while. Not wanting to deal with Dirty at the moment. The Used shrilled Liar Liar through my brains. I seriously could go for some Bob Dylan at the moment, but I dealt with the guiltiness of lying to Jennifer.

Self sacrafice.
That was new to me. I glanced at her quickly and saw her face reflect the pale pigment of the moon, her face full of silent tears and my own throat feeling dry from not speaking in a long time.

God, what have I done?