You're Still an Innocent
Lost Your Balance on a Tightrope
Bam looked up when the door of his hospital room opened. He readjusted his position in bed and gave a smile as his mother walked in, a look of deep concern and worry plastered upon her cheeks. The rest of his family plus Chad followed behind her and took seats in various places around the room.
‘Oh, Bam!’ April said throwing herself upon his weakened body and giving him a hug only a mother could give. ‘I’ve been so worried about you.’
Bam awkwardly laid there and as she began sobbing into his shoulder.
‘What have you been thinking?!’ She yelled sitting straight up, anger now taking over her tear stained cheeks. ‘Do you realize if Chad hadn’t come over and found you, you would have died right there in a pool of alcohol?! Is that what you want? You’re going to put all of us through that after Ry-‘ She cut herself short before saying Ryan’s name out loud. The memory that he was truly gone still hadn’t sunk in yet.
An awkward silence filled the room as April stood up from the bed and sniffled. ‘You have an awful lot of shit you need to straighten out, Brandon. You’ve done a lot to yourself and this family over the years, but your father and I will not put up with this any longer.’
April then picked up her purse and walked out of the room, slamming the door behind her. Bam looked up at his family; his blue orbs were filled with sadness, broken apologies, and a hint of anger.
‘Bam,’ Phil began with a heavy sigh. ‘Ape’s right. You know we all love you more than anything. We need you to get better. We love you, Bam.’
With tears in his eyes, Mr. Margera left the room to go follow his wife.
‘We’ll stop by tomorrow, Bam.’ Jess said patting Bam on the shoulder and following Sarah out of the room who was carrying a sleeping Carver.
Silence filled the room for what seemed like an eternity before it was cut by one burning question. ‘Did you really save me from dying?’
Chad looked up from counting the floor tiles in the room and met Bam’s gaze. It was the first time he’d heard Bam speak in a month. ‘Yeah.’ Chad said simply.
Bam took a moment let this new batch of information sink into his mind. He fiddled with the cheap quality blanket the hospital had supplied him.
‘Look man,’ Chad said standing up and stretching. ‘This whole thing is getting out of hand.’
‘I just can’t fucking help it Chad. It’s the one thing that actually stops me from thinking about everything I’ve fucked up. It makes me stop hating myself. It just makes me feel better.’ Bam was for the first time admitting these words not only to Chad, but also to himself.
‘I know.’ Chad said shrugging. ‘But it’s the most fucked up way to try and fix your problems. You’re poor mother is torn to pieces over the whole thing. She hasn’t stopped crying for one fucking second tonight. This isn’t like when you split your head open in Jimmy Pop’s moat or like when you had that staph infection from the dick branding, you almost fucking died Bam. You need to sort out your priorities.’
After he was done speaking his piece, Chad turned on his heel and followed the rest of Bam’s loved ones out of the door of the small hospital room.
Bam laid back down on the bed. He sighed heavily and thought back to what Chad had said. It seemed to him that whenever he tried to fix things lately, he just made everything so much worse. He picked up his iPhone and looked at the picture of him and Ryan.
Tears pricked Bam’s eyes at the thought of Ryan. Why was he gone? His best friend in the entire world. The one person who really and truly understood him. Tears rolled down Bam’s face and he threw the phone down onto the floor. The thought of never seeing that bearded smile of Ryan’s or never hearing his addictive chuckle, ripped Bam’s heart out.
Why was everything falling apart? Bam didn’t even know who or what he had become in the last five years. He knew he needed to change, now it was just a matter of wanting to.
‘Oh, Bam!’ April said throwing herself upon his weakened body and giving him a hug only a mother could give. ‘I’ve been so worried about you.’
Bam awkwardly laid there and as she began sobbing into his shoulder.
‘What have you been thinking?!’ She yelled sitting straight up, anger now taking over her tear stained cheeks. ‘Do you realize if Chad hadn’t come over and found you, you would have died right there in a pool of alcohol?! Is that what you want? You’re going to put all of us through that after Ry-‘ She cut herself short before saying Ryan’s name out loud. The memory that he was truly gone still hadn’t sunk in yet.
An awkward silence filled the room as April stood up from the bed and sniffled. ‘You have an awful lot of shit you need to straighten out, Brandon. You’ve done a lot to yourself and this family over the years, but your father and I will not put up with this any longer.’
April then picked up her purse and walked out of the room, slamming the door behind her. Bam looked up at his family; his blue orbs were filled with sadness, broken apologies, and a hint of anger.
‘Bam,’ Phil began with a heavy sigh. ‘Ape’s right. You know we all love you more than anything. We need you to get better. We love you, Bam.’
With tears in his eyes, Mr. Margera left the room to go follow his wife.
‘We’ll stop by tomorrow, Bam.’ Jess said patting Bam on the shoulder and following Sarah out of the room who was carrying a sleeping Carver.
Silence filled the room for what seemed like an eternity before it was cut by one burning question. ‘Did you really save me from dying?’
Chad looked up from counting the floor tiles in the room and met Bam’s gaze. It was the first time he’d heard Bam speak in a month. ‘Yeah.’ Chad said simply.
Bam took a moment let this new batch of information sink into his mind. He fiddled with the cheap quality blanket the hospital had supplied him.
‘Look man,’ Chad said standing up and stretching. ‘This whole thing is getting out of hand.’
‘I just can’t fucking help it Chad. It’s the one thing that actually stops me from thinking about everything I’ve fucked up. It makes me stop hating myself. It just makes me feel better.’ Bam was for the first time admitting these words not only to Chad, but also to himself.
‘I know.’ Chad said shrugging. ‘But it’s the most fucked up way to try and fix your problems. You’re poor mother is torn to pieces over the whole thing. She hasn’t stopped crying for one fucking second tonight. This isn’t like when you split your head open in Jimmy Pop’s moat or like when you had that staph infection from the dick branding, you almost fucking died Bam. You need to sort out your priorities.’
After he was done speaking his piece, Chad turned on his heel and followed the rest of Bam’s loved ones out of the door of the small hospital room.
Bam laid back down on the bed. He sighed heavily and thought back to what Chad had said. It seemed to him that whenever he tried to fix things lately, he just made everything so much worse. He picked up his iPhone and looked at the picture of him and Ryan.
Tears pricked Bam’s eyes at the thought of Ryan. Why was he gone? His best friend in the entire world. The one person who really and truly understood him. Tears rolled down Bam’s face and he threw the phone down onto the floor. The thought of never seeing that bearded smile of Ryan’s or never hearing his addictive chuckle, ripped Bam’s heart out.
Why was everything falling apart? Bam didn’t even know who or what he had become in the last five years. He knew he needed to change, now it was just a matter of wanting to.