Why Don't You Love Me Enough?

"I don't want to be here Grace" Adam told me quite firmly as we sat in the doctor's office.

The annoying ticking of the clock seemed to echo in the silence. The squeaking of the brown, rather ugly looking chairs seemed to join in as I fidgeted slightly, unable to get comfortable.

"I know Adam" I told him quietly, unable to look at him without feeling sad. I stared at my shoes, they were old, worn but I loved them. A bit like Adam, I've been him since I was 14 and didn't understand the concept of love and four years later, I love him more then I did then.

Adam and I met years ago, in Year 7 at high school. I was a nervous, shy school girl completely the opposite to my best friend Darcy, who was currently in Spain, spending time wiht her estranged father who left her and her mother five years ago.

Adam was a loud, funny, cool kid that everyone adored even the teachers couldn't tell him of because of his charm and good looks.

Adam somehow taken a fancy to me, we became very good friends throughout the year, and soon we were best friends that liked each other. It made perfect sense to go out. Adam and I were forever known as 'the' couple. The couple you can't imagine breaking up, the couple that everytime they do something romantic or intimate you go "Aw, how sweet" and the couple that you believe will stay forever together.

I was shocked to say the least that Adam and I survived this long, four years. Four complicated, loving, best years. Yet almost 11 months ago, Adam wanted to end this.

What was worse, he wasn't planning on telling me.

"God, what is taking so long!" snaps Adam suddenly, bringin me out of my memories into the cold reality. I fiddled with my hands, twirling the ring that Adam brought me back from Greece two years ago. It was silver, with greek design and a aqua coloured stone in the middle. I haven't taken it off since.

Suddenly, my hand that I was twirling my ring with is taken from me and enclosed into a warm, tanned, strong hand. Our fingers interlace automatically and I feel him squeeze my hand for comfort.

I looked up daringly, up at Adam. He looked guilty almost, a slight smile on his lips. I stared at him, unknowing how to act. So I just sat there, our hands linked and our minds completely seperate.

Two painstakingly slow minutes went by and eventually the door opened and in walked the doctor, the 'mental doctor' as Adam calls him.

Dr. Edwards.

Dr Edwards, or 'Joe" as we're apparently allowed to call him so there is no distant relationship between us was Adam's assigned doctor ever since that fatal night 11 months ago. Adam loathed him.

It was beyond hate in fact. Adam was rude, disrespectful, horrid to him. Adam would scream, shout swear words at him and Joe would sit there, calm and collected. He would simply say every time:

"Breathe Adam, Just Breathe"

Joe had been a huge help to me actually, Adam was unaware of us obviously. Joe had asked me many months ago, to accompany Adam to this weekly sessions. Adam didn't mind this, in fact he said he preferred me coming along so that way he would feel like Joe wasn't judging him.

"How are we feeling today Adam?" Joe asked, I gave a weak, polite smile and looked at Adam for him to reply. Our hands meshed together.

"I'm fantastic today Joe, in fact I want to go out and smell all the roses, look for rainbows and write poems about the sky" Adam replies sarcastically. I sigh heavily, knowing that he was going to be incredible difficult today.

Joe simply smiled and nodded and wrote something down on the paper he always had in front of him but I could never read.

"And you Grace?" Joe directed to me. Adam instantly squeezed my hand. Joe wasn't a bad looking doctor, he was around thirty years old and his looks hadn't left him quite left. He was however, happily married with two young children. But Adam was defiant to believe that he had a 'crush' on me.

"I'm fine Joe, thank you" I say meekly and my hand is squeezed again, I could feel the heat between our hands get hotter.

"That's good to hear. Now Adam, have you been continuing with your anti-depressants?" Joe asks Adam.

Adam rolled his eyes "Yes" he says coldly, his harsh, brittle mask coming to his face. I bit my lip nervously, wishing I could leave the room.

Joe asked the routinely questions and I sat there and listened to Adam either be sarcastic or rude in reply.

What saddened me the most was Adam never use to be like this. But ever since the day he tried to kill himself, he changed a whole ordeal.

The session continued and I didn't really listen as unaware to Joe and Adam was it depressed me further and saddened me more that usual. Hearing about why my boyfriend wanting to kill himself was never a self-esteem booster.

One question hit home though, Joe had never asked his question before so it shocked me when he did. He looked at me, noticing my sad grey eyes.

"Adam, did you think of Grace when you were using the razor?" Joe said calmly. Adam stared at him, my hand being squeezed so tightly, it was going numb.

"Yes" he seethed, anger bubbling inside of him. I stared in shock, unable to speak or think properly.

"Did you feel guilty?" Joe asks and that was it. Adam blew up. Not literally of course. But inside.

"YES! OF COURSE I DID!" Adam yells, our hands unleashed and he stood up, glaring at the man behind the desk. Joe almost looked smug, knowing he hit a nerve and Adam's emotions were tumbling out.

"So why did you do it?" Joe asks and I personally thought he was pushing it and shouldn't dare asked that question. Then again, Adam's mother had hired Joe for Adam to reveal why he felt the need to end his life.

"DON'T ACT LIKE YOU KNOW ME! BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!" Adam screams thunderously. Malice in his voice. I was more then scared, Adam had never been so angry before and it scared me more then anything.

Joe glanced at me, sighing contently. "Breathe Adam, Just Breathe" he says calmly. Adam's fists clenched and he soon turned around, heading for the door. He stormed out, slamming the door behind him. I sat there shakily, knowing I should follow.

"See you next week then" I say, my voice wobbly. As I creep out the office, and attempt to find Adam. I didn't need too, as Adam was waiting for me in the reception area. He saw me, his face calmed down and his eyes less angry.

"C'mon Grace" he told me and nodded his head for me to follow him. I kept my head down as I walked past the people waiting for their appointments, they surely would have heard Adam's explosion.

As we exited the hospital, walking towards Adam's car. He got in, slamming the door and waited for me to get in. When I did, putting my seat belt on, Adam immediately reversed and drove out.

"Stupid, fucking doctor. He thinks he knows everything!" Adam rants, gripping the steering wheel as he drove, slowing down as we came to a red light.

Adam looked frantically between the rear view mirror and in front of him. He never once looked at me.

"He doesn't know me Grace! He doesn't know anything about me, or you or us!" he seethes as we drove where I presumed would be home. Adam continued to rant.

I felt sick, I felt physically sick.

I didn't know why either.

"I love you Adam" I say suddenly, hoping it would calm him down. Adam stopped ranting and loosened the grip of the steering wheel. He turned to look at me. His facial features softened.

"I love you too Grace" he whispers, his voice cracked from shouting. That sickness feeling washed away and I relaxed slightly.

He did love me. I knew he did.
He didn't really want to kill himself.
He told me that.

Like Adam said. That doctor knew nothing.