Why Don't You Love Me Enough?

I laid there on my bed, tears rolling down my cheeks.

I stared up at the ceiling, trying to figure out a logical soultion to why Adam still wanted to die. I wanted to ask so many questions but I knew I'd never get any answers. I tried to ask myself the answers, but then I just lie to myself to give myself reassurance that my boyfriend was okay.

I wiped the tears, and I could feel the black mascara on the tips of my fingers but at this moment, my appearance didn't really matter.

I've loved Adam for a very long time and I always promised I'd be there for him, yes he does infuriate me and yes we've had arguements. However, no matter what he does. I'll love him.
I'm quite certain of this.

But lately, lately I feel like "Why do I bother?"

I feel useless, and ashamed of myself that I can't keep a relationship well so my boyfriend wants to take the easiest option and kill himself? I felt a sham of a girlfriend and I most of the time: I blamed myself for what happened.

I closed my eyes for second, the tears reappearing. The lump in my throat getting thicket, my lip was trembling. I bit it hard, not wanting to cry anymore.

I stared up at the ceiling again, the glow-in-the-dark stars were still there. I got them for Christmas when I was 8 years old. My Mum said they would watch over me when I slept and keep me safe.

My older brother, Jack (he's 20 now and lives in his own apartment about 30 minutes away) and I use to play astronaunts in my room. We'd lie on my bed, side by side and stare up at them with our Mum's old sunglasses on.

Jack would make all the right noises of rocket ships and I'd scream with delight as we would shake so much, the bed moved. Jack was the oldest, so naturally he was the pilot but he always promised me that when we reached Jupiter, I could take over.

Funny, we never reached Jupiter.

We'd play for hours on end, Mum would come in and watch us and giggle. Sometimes, she'd let Jack sleep in my room and we'd have a sleepover and talk for ages about when we grow up we'd be astronaunts and we'd fly around in space together. Mum thought it was adorable and she'd kiss us goodnight and whisper for us to go to sleep, ready for tomorrow's mission.

The stars were still here, ten years later. They were old and faded but they still worked. I can remember all the times Adam would come to my house. We'd get into my bed, cuddle up between the duvet and stare at them and just talk for hours. I loved it.

Adam would tell me stories about the stars and about a space princess called Grace, ironically enough. He'd tell me how she meets her prince called Adam and they fall in love and live happily ever after, forever and ever and ever.

Adam and I use to always talk about 'forever' about how when we were older, we'd get married and have babies and grow old together.

I doubt this now, when Adam doesn't want to live that long. I guess his measurement of 'forever' was shorter than mine.

As I stared at the stars, wondering if I should call Adam and apologize for running out or just wait and see what happened. Luckily, I didn't have to decide as my phone soon blurted to life with the ring tone "Just The Way You Are" by Bruno Mars played out. Adam had set it for me, shortly after the song was released.

"Hello?" I whisper into the phone, my voice was crackly and dry.

"Gracie, where are you?" Adam's worried voice comes over the phone. It'd been one hour almost since I left the house.

"I'm at home?" I mumble, sniffing.

Silence. I could hear Adam breathing over the phone.

After minutes of silence. Adam finally spoke again.

"I'm coming over." he tells me and the phone is hung up. I sigh gently, pressing the red button my phone. I get up slowly, not wanting to get a headache.

I get up and walk to my mirror, I look at myself. Makeup smeared all over my face, my hair a mess. I sigh again, walking out of my room into the bathroom and washing my makeup off. I brush my white blonde curls out, and it recoils back into shape. After making myself acceptable, I walked down stairs into the kitchen and got out two glasses of Dr. Pepper and sat at the breakfast table, waiting for Adam to arrive.

Soon, there was a knock at the door. I walked over, breathing carefully and opened the door and there stood Adam. His face drained of colour, his eyes red and his hair dischevelled.

Adam sighed with relief as he saw me, and rushed in and hugged me so tightly, I couldn't breathe. I didn't care though. He towered over me, he was 6ft and I was only 5ft 4.

Adam lifted me off the floor, his head buried in my neck. "I love you" I hear him mumble against my skin. I closed my eyes, buried my head into his neck and wrapped my legs around his body, squeezing him tightly.

"I love you Adam" I whisper in his ear, kissing his head gently and hugging him again.

The moment was so serene and so pure. I didn't want it to end but like all good things in life, it soon did.

Adam released me, placing me on the floor. I closed the door finally and took Adam's hand and led him into the kitchen. We sat at the table ina comfortable silence and sipped our drinks.

I didn't know what to say or do. Should I speak first?

Adam once again, decided for me. "I'm sorry" he says, his voice returning to normal. He wasn't looking at me though. He was staring at the wooden table with great interest.

I sighed, and reached over and nudged his shoulder, he looked up confused.

"If you mean it, look at me and say it" I tell him. Adam stares at me. His hands clutch the glass and he looks at me right in the eye, like he was looking right through me.

"I'm sorry Grace" he tells me sincerely. I nod slowly, showing I accepted it.

Adam smiled, not a happy smile but it was a smile. I couldn't interpt it but I accepted it.

Although, I accepted the apology and Adam began to return to what was now classed as 'normal'. I knew deep down inside, that no matter how many times Adam apologized and meant it.

Sorry Couldn't Fix Everything.