Why Don't You Love Me Enough?

Reaching Adam's house was the moment of truth.

"Here goes nothing" I think to myself and walk up the steps, and knock on the door out of politeness. The door was soon opened by Chris, who looked okay considering what happened yesterday.

"Grace! Thank god you're here, he's been throwing up constantly for an hour, he keeps saying it's his own fault. I have no idea what I'm doing!" Chris says, relieved and worried at the same time.

I give him a soft smile. "Leave it to me Chris, go out and get some ginger ale and crackers" I tell him and without protest, Chris grabbed his keys, ushered me in and walked out, closing the door behind him. I stood in the hallway, slowly taking my shoes off and making myself at home. I looked at all the baby pictures on the wall as I walked into the living room.

I hear loud coughing from upstairs and I instantly head for the staircase and jog upstairs. "Adam?" I called, listening carefully for a response.

"In here!" a voice calls, and the sound of throwing up is heard from the bathroom, spluttering and coughing. I sighed, almost disappointed.

I went to the bathroom door, opening it slowly and I saw Adam collapsed in a heap by the toilet, the stench of vomit was strong within the air and Adam looked absolutely awful.

"What have you done?" I ask myself almost, but Adam replied by throwing up again, in the toilet thankfully.

"How much did you drink?" I ask, stunned. Adam flushed the toilet and he shakily tried to get up.
"Stay there" I tell him and rush out to get a towel and a flannel. I come back and Adam had propped himself up and the toilet had been flushed. I grabbed a cup from the side, and filled it with water. I handed it him.

"Sip it slowly" I say gently. Adam does as he's told. I soak the flannel and kneel beside him and place it against his head to cool him down. Adam put the cup to the side and I feel him lean in against me.

I make myself comfortable, stroking his hair soothingly, and mopping his brow with the wet flannel. I dried his head gently, placing a soft kiss against his warm skin.

"What did you do to yourself?" I ask him, but he never replied. So we sat there, in the bathroom, on the floor with Adam pratically on my lap and the stink of vomit in the air.

Adam groaned in pain, clutching his stomach. "I hate alcohol" he mumbles, almost asleep. His eyes were closed as he was leaning against me.

"So why drink it then?" I ask. Still no answer.

"Grace..." he begins and I look at his face, eyes still closed.

"Yes?" I finally say.

"Please, take me to bed." he tells me and I sigh heavily, but do it anyway with a lot of struggle, I prop him up and somehow, I dragged him into his room and laid him down.

I took off his socks and helped him with his shirt and, Adam did his trousers himself. I helped him lie down and I tucked him in, like a mother would for a child.

Adam snuggled down in his bed, mumbling words which I could never figure out.
I went back in the room, and got the water and put it beside Adam's bed.

I sat down beside him and raked my hands through his hair. He murmured something, but he was enjoying it as he had a slight smile on his face.

"I love you Gracie" he mumbles and soon, he fell asleep.

I knew this wasn't over, it was by far over. I had so many questions and most of them weren't about what happened tonight. I decided that enough was enough, I was going to confront him about the suicide. I was sick of being in the dark about it. I need to know.

No. I deserve to know why. I deserve to know why my boyfriend wanted death. I deserved that right as a friend, a girlfriend, hell as human being that he cared about.

I deserved to know.

----

Several hours later, after cleaning the bathroom and wondering aimlessly around the house and Chris had come back with the ginger ale and biscuits. Adam awoke and he called for me.

I got into his bedroom with painkillers and juice, I figured he should be able to keep it down for now.

"My head" he groans as I neared and I offered him the tablets. He propped himself up and took them quickly, and sipped the juice generously.

"Thank you" he said gratefully and laid back down. I didn't know what to do at first, so I just sat down on the side of the bed, watching him.

Adam yawned and rubbed his eyes, waking himself up.

"I got drunk" he states. I wanted to slap him suddenly. I really did, the impulse, just to slap him across the face and demand what the hell he was thinking.

But I didn't.

"I know" I say simply. Adam almost laughs and it made me even more angrier.

"You're mad at me" he states again and yet, he was not wrong.

"No" I lied, but he knew me too well. Adam looked right at me. Those dark blue eyes that I adored were distant. I didn't know who this person was anymore.

"Don't lie to me Grace. You're mad at me aren't you?" he says and I couldn't be bothered to argue. So I nodded firmly.

"Yes, I'm mad with you" I repeat. Adam wans't fazed, nor seemed bothered and yet that maddened me more.

"I'm sorry" he says and even though he was looking right at me and said it properly, I knew he didn't mean it. I gritted my teeth, hoping it didn't show.

"I don''t accept" I almost growled at him. Adam was confused, his eyebrows knitted together and his bottom lip was being bitten.

"Why not?" He asked me.

"It's not just getting drunk thing anymore Adam" I tell him, with no emotion. Adam was even more confused now as he was sitting up.

"What's this about then?" he asked, worry in his tone.

Over the past 11 months, Adam and I rarely argued and I knew it wasn't healthy because he constantly bottled it up. Before he attempted suicide, I had no troubles arguing him. Hell, sometimes I'd start a fight for no reason. But after the attempt, I've always be scared that if we had another arguement, it would drive him to do it again.

So for 11 months now. I have bottled it all up. I have never spoke a word of anger or distress. It's always be calm and worry.

I knew I was going to blow, just like Adam had in the doctor's office.

Adam seemed to know, that I wouldn't cause an argument. He knew that i didn't like fighting anymore because i was scared and he used it to his advantage.

"It's about everything Adam. Everything." I tell him and I see his confusion disappear and his cold shield, his hard, brittle mask be put up. He was closing in and wans't going to come out.

"I'm sick of pretending nothing happened. I'm sick of not knowing anything. I'm sick and tired or it!" I say, raising my voice and emotion seeping through. I stand up, not wanting to be near him.

"Leave me alone Grace" Adam tells me coldly and he falls back and pretends to go to sleep.
Anger boiled...

"STOP THAT!" I shout, fists clenching. I just wanted to punch him, slap him. I wanted to do damage. I wanted to make him see that I was angry.

"I SAID GET OUT!" Adam shouted, his chest rising.

"NO! I'M NOT LEAVING THIS ROOM!" I yell. Inside, I was full of flames. I was determined to stick to my guns.

"GET OUT GRACE!" Adam screams.

"NO!" I scream back. I was surprised if the outside world could not hear us.

"THIS IS MY ROOM, MY HOUSE. LEAVE!"

"STOP PUSHING ME AWAY!" I yell defiantly.

"STOP PUTTING YOUR NOSE WHERE IT'S NOT WANTED!" he yelled, he was now sitting up again, glaring at me.

I faltered silent as I looked at him. Those blue eyes, were returning to what I use to see. I could see the old Adam, trapped inside.

The Old Adam would argue with me, he would push me and push me until we ended up screaming in other face's.

"Why do you not want me to care?" I say quietly and Adam's anger died down and turned into sadness.

"I do. I just don't want to talk about it" he tells me exasperatedly.

"Why not?" I ask, my voice quivering. Adam looked at me, looking guilt-ridden.

"I just don't Grace. Understand that." Adam says softly and it surprised me. I closed my eyes and counted to ten.

This use to work when I was 10, when ever I got really angry or really sad. I just needed to count to ten and wait.

Nothing happened this time.

"I'm tired of understanding Adam. I've had enough" I whisper, my voice cracking with emotion. Tears prickling my eyes. As I opened my eyes, seeing Adam's distraught face as my words hit him.

"Leave then" he tells me, like it was simple. I misunderstood what he meant though and headed for the door.

"Grace" Adam calls me and I turned around, wiping my eyes with my sleeve and sniffing loudly.

"Don't come back" he says coldly and I could have broke down right there. He didn't want me.

He didn't want me to come back anymore.

I sniffed, trying to control myself.

"I love you Adam. I always have. I always will. Don't think, I gave up because I didn't care, or I didn't want to care. I gave up, because you pushed me away too much and I can't get back. You did this Adam. Not me. You" I say, loud and clear but unfortunately, my true emotion showed as misery swept in.

I walked out the door, out the house and out of Adam's life.
For what I now think, was good.