Why Don't You Love Me Enough?

I couldn't believed it happened, until I was sitting at home crying.

Had I actually done that? Had I really just walked out of his house, walking away from him FOR GOOD?

What was wrong with me? Why was I so selfish? I just walked away from a suicidal person. Had I no shame? Had I no morals?

Had I no heart?

Guilt consumed me so heavily, I wanted to be sick.

I really had done it. I had ended it with him. All because I'm a selfish, too curious for my own good type of person. I couldn't just leave him in peace? No. I had to know things because I only care about myself.

I wanted to run back, tell him I'm sorry and I didn't mean it. I wanted to run back and hold him, hug him gently and tell him I'll never leave him again.

But I didn't. I stayed where I was.

I toyed with my phone in my hands, debating whether or not to call him. I even had the number ready on the screen.

When suddenly, I realized that I was giving in again. I had to be strong and firm and just wait it out.

I had to realize that Adam doesn't need me, he doesn't want me.
I had to accept that.

I have been trying for the past 11 months and there is only so much a girl can take. I have had enough. I am tired of trying. If Adam wanted to talk to me, he knew he could do that. I wasn't going to wait around anymore.

I had to be firm, brutal. The truth hurts. Everyone knows this.

I love Adam, always have and I think I will for a very long time but Adam is a stubborn guy and there is only so much pushing to do.

I had to trust him, believe in him that he wouldn't take his second chance of life for granted and that he could overcome this either alone or with someone else.

I just had to believe.

But no matter how much I convinced myself that I was doing the right thing and that Adam needed the break between us either permanent or temporarily.

I still felt selfish.

"I have to let him breathe on his own" I said to myself.
"I have to let him go" I say again.