The Smiles That are Ever

I never said I'd lie, but then we all lie. How can you not lie, even one tiny little white lie, still piles up into the lies. On the ground...I'd wait forever and a day for you. But how long would you wait for me?

Never? I remember when I said 'if I died, we'd be together', and I meant that. You never said nothing like that to me; one time I remember listening to conversation of yours. The words you said, 'I can't always just forget her', puzzled me. And I just stood there, listening when you then said, 'but she could try'.

I never understood what you meant, what did you mean? If we were at the end of the world-wait, we are, aren't we? What was the last thing I see? You are. What an amazing last thing to see, but then, never coming home isn't something that's good.

Could I tell you? Should I tell you? I don't know whether I should or not, but then all the things that you never ever told me are worse than this. I think. I don't know, and all the smiles that you wore, that are ever ever.... Ever what? I don't know.

Sometimes I can't help but think all the time, sometimes about the same things. And sometimes about different things, but mostly, it's all the same. Ever...ever stopped to just think? Or just get the feeling. What feeling people ask, even if they've had the feeling. But it's the feeling you're never.

You should know how to finish that saying, 'cause it's all about whether or not you understand it. And if you don't, then you are all alone. Because thinking all about it, everyone else does get it, and understand it and aren't alone.

I remember now the last words I heard you say. We were there, together, and you were laying in my arms as we hid. I know I screamed at the top of my lungs when it happened, happened to you.

The thoughts I had after that were all the same; she dies. She dies. And then it hit me; in my arms she dies.

You died within my arms, and my thoughts were plagued with them non stop afterwards. At the end of the world was the worst time in my life. And the thought, mere thought, that you are coming home breaks me into tears all the time. Because you're never coming home. Is it my fault?

Or not? Remember things, I think could I have saved you? Should I have just let myself...listen to you. All the things, things that I love and things that I know I would hate, that you never ever told me keep circling my mind. Taunting, pulling, reminding. These are all the wounds that were inflicted onto me that are ever gonna scar me.

And they were from one single action; like a domino affect it hit me. And to think of all the smiles that you ever shot at me that are ever gonna haunt me. And when I see it all before my eyelids, I think about all the ghosts that there are, and think whether you are one. Because they are never gonna catch me. Ever.

We're at the end of the world, the tip is barely up. We're going to fall. But together. And that last thing I see, well you know. And we ain't never coming home. And I'm okay with that.

But with all the things that you never ever told me, it should affect me. But it don't. Looking down at you, you in the ground. Under the dirt, and all the smiles that you gave me are ever gonna haunt me. But I don't care.

Can you feel it? I can. And this is for all the ghosts that are never gonna... gonna what? I don't know.

Fives years still hurts.