I Am Not Half Empty. I Am Not Half Full. I Am Half Shattered.

I haven't updated since about.. February? I am truly sorry. My life has been one huge stress after another that I have failed to write about, and I'm sorry. So here is the update.
Well I find no excuse. What I did find amazing though was that my mom has very vivid dreams like I do. I like to imagine they are not so controlled as mine. I can't really explain. I'm sorry.
Since the gap in my life I went to my home town Massachusetts and I that couldn't have been much more of a fail. I think I was too depressed to write about it for awhile. This is all I have. Should I back track all my journals or start at where it gets bad?

6/27/2011

10 Days until I go home. I can't stop thinking about Woody. (My eldest brother who lives there.) I ccan't wait to see him. I really just want to hug him so bad right now, I'm crying at the thought of it. I can't tell if it's happy or sad tears, both I guess.

To Laura (In MA)
I've wanted to ... I meant to write to you but some how if I did it would just make it official. It would comfirm that you were 2,002 miles away, that we no longer share a duplex.

Everyday I wake up unhappy, everyday I go to bed sad but for everyday I spend miserable my mom is happy, not stressed.

6/28

"People make such a big deal about looks but after a while when you know someone, you don't even notice that stuff anymore, do you? It's just the way they look." - Beastly

I was OK for a minute. i was almost asleep then I made myself believe I was a failure . It's 5:01 AM. For once in my life I wish for a dreamless sleep.

7/8

I'm on the plane right now, I'm on my way home.
Well Sorta. This plane will get me, Dylan and Aristotle to Fort worth, Texas. Then we'll take a plan ride to MA. It's about 6:50AM. I got to watch the amazing sunrise while taking off and I'm in a window seat. I got my wish -this time anyway. I can't wait to come home.

I'm too excited to write much, maybe if I get bored or on the other plane? Landing already?

On the second plane! This is nothing, nothing compared to being 39,000 feet on top of huge fluffy clouds, listening to your favorite songs . A little turbulence of course. Been on the plane for only about 10 minutes and I just want to be in Boston already. I'm not sleepy, at all... yet just relaxed but anxious... I guess. I'll write more when the sky stops being so beautiful.

Sky so blue.
Clouds so white.
I'm so tired...
but excited

7/16

"Don't speak liar" by We The Kings. My IPOD is dying, I hope it will last. I can't really explain, I've seen Megan, John, Woody, Katie, Laura and Brittany.

I haven't listened to music since I got off the plane. Never again will I go this long without it.

Everything feels weird.

I don't have it in me to write.

7/31

My mom is talking (been talking) about one of her co-workers Joy wanting me to babysit for them when I get back to Texas. In some ways I'm ready to go back now, in others I want to stay forever.

~

That's it. That was it from February to July. I don't know what's happened to me. I really don't. I don't think I'm depressed... I'll go on anyway.

8/19

Why does everything I like get destroyed? Why have my brothers so horribly predictable? Why does my mom feel so pressured to help me and make me happy all the time? Where are my friends when I need them? Whats with all my crying lately?

School starts in 2 days.
Fuck Me.

8/27

I have a very strong love/hate relationship with my high school.

8/30

The turning point in someone's life is when they forget the ability to dream and their fate becomes inevitable.

9/4 or 5

Am I the person you look at and say "Damn she is hot" or am I the girl when you pass you advert your eyes? Do five pounds really make a difference? Are cheap magazines all lies or is that what "ugly" people just want to believe? What is wrong with being me? What is wrong with being you? Why is there anything wrong? Why can't you just BE?

9/13

My day:
6:30 Wake up
7:20 Get to school/study
8:15 Take bio test
9:45 Sci Tech
11:25 Geography
12:30 Lunch
1:30 geography
English
Color guard competition
get home at 10:30PMish
My brain is SO DEAD.

10/5/11

update: Alison from Massachusetts in apparently pregnant with triplets, Brittany may have lost her baby, tomorrow I have way too much shit due, foot ball game after too. Sebastian the cat had to be put down and he was still a kitten. It's 9PM and I've done no homework. I can't concentrate. Can't. Can't. Can't.
I can't write down everything, too little time. Could I be depressed? I never really thought about it before.

10/14

My dream started with us living in a house that wasn't ours. No one was there but it just had that kind of feel. I walked into the kitchen, I think I started cleaning because I was bored and disgusted. Next to a very dark towel was this...thing. It was bigger then a dog. I screaamed your name on the top of my lungs over and over when you came down, I pointed to the thing. You came down, picked it up and went to the car. I thought it was dangerous. On our way to where ever we were going you shouted "look!" When I turned to my right I saw down hill a place of fancy playground for...cats with a big lit up sign. It looked like even a human would have fun there. I would be too small though.
"Cool" I said. You replied "No! the horse place." I was confused, you put the animal in my lap before I could get freaked out you drove through the arena and when you were going to drive through the barn there was a bump. I was preparing myself. When we were in the barn you explained about other animals you had rescued. A mother bear and so on. When we exited through the entrance we were walking. I didn't have a gecko/animal in my arms anymore. We were in what looked like a park. You said "Where did I park [the car]." You then looked over to the right and saw all the animals you had previously rescued.

That's it.

10/25

"I hope she stays the way she is."
I hear my mom say on the phone in the other room. She was talking about how she always knows where I am so she doesn't have to worry.
Today I learned how to do the basic flips on a rifle. I can only do 2. Can't even catch it right....what ever.